Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely and hello to you too Tayla

Things are so very hard for you Ely and I can feel your pain and I can also hear how tired and lost you are. I am so

[Aaronsis]

..sorry this damn laptop...as I was saying...I can feel how tired you are and that you do just want to sleep and to make it all go away. I am so sorry that you have this monster taking over your feelings and your thoughts and that you feel that the only way to get some relief is to hurt yourself. I understand...I do...I just wish I had an alternative for you, a suggestion to hurting yourself which in turn hurts your loved ones too. I am thinking of your mum, the pain that she must be feeling to see her baby in this situation, the pain you are in, that she can do nothing to help you and I am so very sorry that she too is probably screaming for an answer too.

I am glad to hear that there is some support for you and that they have got a plan for you to readmit, to take care of you and do what they can to help you through this extremely difficult time.

I wish I could sit with you, to talk to you, to hear you, to try to get some of those thoughts smashed away, the ones that make you feel so worthless and so invalid. I also wish I knew what to tell you. I wish I had the words that could make your thoughts vanish and for you to be free, but here, living in peace and with love.

I dont know what to say to you Ely and it breaks me that I don't, but I think of you every day, and I send you my strength and my love and if I could take some of the pain off you I would.

Hugs love and support to you

Sarah xxx

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

I have been thinking alot about you and trying to do some research with some ways that might actually help you when you are feeling like you need to hurt yourself. I am sure that the typical things that they mention to use as distraction are a far cry for what you need right now as I think if flicking a band or squeezing ice worked you would be doing that.

So, I am not sure if these things have been mentioned to you before so I apologize in advance if these two are stupid suggestions that are not helpful. A girl at work mentioned to be a few months ago that she is doing a program for her anger management, it involves smashing plates..this thought came to my mind that perhaps this could be something that works for you. I am thinking perhaps a trip to the salvos or something like that and getting a bunch of cheap plates and cups and making a space either outside or in a garage, also that is easy for you to clean. That when you are feeling so low and so bad you can grab these plates and smash them into the ground, to let the pain out and to also see the fragments flying, to feel the emotion leave and to see the smashed plates on the ground. Like I said, I am not sure if this is helpful to you Ely but I really want to help you.

Another thing I thought about was this Shakti Mat, I am not sure if you have seen them but they are essentially pressure point mats, the are used for relaxation and meditation. They are also very sharp and need to be used slowly to get the body used to it. However I thought that perhaps this could be something that might work for you as they are so very sharp and prickly and lying on one might give you a release sensation with out the actual damage to your body. I have put the link here and once again, I am not sure if this is just silly suggestions but I care so very much about you and want to help in a productive way.

https://www.shaktimats.com.au

Hope today is better for you Ely and I am thinking of you and sending you my strength.

Huge hugs

Sarah xxxx

[Guest_4643]

Hi Ely and Sarah. Sorry I haven't been on the forums much, I'm catching up as much as I can. I've had a bit going on myself too.

I hope you're both alright, I'll say more later since I have a GP appointment later today.

Take care both of you and I'm always here.

Tayla

[Ely_]

Hi Tayla n Sarah,

I am still in the mental health ward. I feel the chaos and volatility of this place is making me worse. Hoping to go back to the recovery place nearby soon. I was doing well there and I think I can get those last few bits of help from them to prepare for being at home. I was so unprepared for people and normality. Let alone being on my own or relationship stress.

Im hoping the drs tomorrow dont discharge me then. I dont feel safe to go home. I have been in trouble here with staff coz i been self harming.

I dont have the strength to say no to these damn drs....

I will be pushing them about the recovery place though.

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

It is so wonderful to hear from you, I am sorry though that the mental health ward is not helping but making you feel unsafe and anxious. Hopefully you can go back to the recovery place near by, I am wondering if you can talk to someone and keep talking to someone to request this? I think whatever is working for you at this time when are are feeling so fragile that they should accommodate what makes you feel safe and what makes you feel supported, what makes you feel comfortable and ultimately what makes you feel safe. I am hoping that this is the outcome for you and you do get to go to the recovery place.

I am sure things are also getting on top of you with your partner and your mother and feeling so worried and feeling like you have let them down. This is a tough space for them to be in too Ely as they do love and care for you so much. Try not to see it as pressure but more of care, you are very lucky to have them in your life.

Without going into too much detail I am surprised to hear that you are able to keep harming yourself while you are in the strict hospital environment, how is this possible, once again I am just concerned that as you said, this is not the right support for you at this time. Not that I am saying that you should have access to nothing so as you don't hurt yourself, I would like to think that they are setting you up to win and not giving you "means" to be able to hurt yourself. I am just concerned about that.

Thinking of you Ely and hope that you get a really good outcome and that you get what you need at this time.

I am so happy to hear from you.

Huge hugs to you and I hope today brings something positive for you and even something that can make you feel good and smile.

Take care Ely

Sarah xx

[Guest_4643]

Hi Ely, it's lovely to hear from you. It breaks my heart that you're struggling so much though. I'm proud of you despite all you're going through for still being here and for you still coming on the forums.

Please, please take care of yourself and don't harm yourself, I know it's hard. Try the Butterfly thing where you draw Butterflies where you want to harm yourself, the aim is not to hurt the Butterfly and of course yourself. Or get a Rubber Band and snap it in those places too, or something that won't hurt you like a scrunchie hairtie or something. You can also try holding ice in those spots aswell.

I'm really worried about you and I wish I could do something, it makes me so sad and empathetic for you. Please be safe, we're always here.

We love and care about you and we're always here to support you with anything as much as we can. We want you to be OK, we understand that it takes time and that you're going through a lot.

We believe in you, you'll be OK, even if it takes a while. You're much stronger mentally and physically than you think, trust me. You're still here and I'm so proud of you. I wish I could give you a hug. But for now, have a forum hug from me.

Hi to you also Sarah, a forum hug for you aswell from me. Lots of love to you both. Be safe please Ely.

Tayla

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah and Tayla,

Being on the ward has been very chaotic and stressful. I am going home tomorrow, and to the recovery centre next week hopefully.

I am so scared that I'll get impulsive and do something stupid, but the drs say I have to learn to try and to trust in the strategies etc i know.

Thanks for all the support.

Ely

[Guest_4643]

Hi Ely, I'm so glad to hear from you and that you're going home tomorrow, yay!

Please please take care of yourself. We're always here for you and we love and care about you and we want you to be OK, not hurt yourself. I can't imagine how bad you're currently feeling and what you're going through. I understand it's hard but please try to listen to the strategies that they told you, or search some online if need be. I'll try to find some for you aswell and let you know if I find any that you might find helpful.

Take care, and please be safe.

Tayla

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I think that is wonderful advice, to trust in the strategies and to have them ready to go at a moments notice when you feel you need to use them. They are called strategies for a reason and that is that they have been shown to work, I so more than anything hope that they at times can work for you.

I am wondering now that you are going home how you felt about some of the strategies that I mentioned to you? The smashing of plates is a really good release when you feel like to need to scream and screaming is not enough. Also the mat, let me know what you think.

I am so pleased that you are also going to the recovery place as you said that really helped and you felt good about the support there, that is great that they are going to have you next week.

Please come and chat anytime and just reach out, I am not sure if I am helping but I think of you all the time and wish there was a button I could push to make all this better for you, I am sure you wish the same.

Thinking of you Ely and we are here to love and support you.

Tayla you are a beautiful soul and we are so lucky to have you on the forums.

Hugs as always

Sarah xxxx