Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely72

That is so awesome that you have craft and obviously have a creative streak to you, that is so great and I am very jealous..lol...it can also be the perfect outlet to keep that mind of yours busy and to try to keep the noise somewhat quiet. I am not really very creative but love the idea of being able to make and do arty stuff but I lose interest quickly. What sort of things are your favorite things to create? What do you do with the beads? All together with clay and wire I am sure you could do the best sculpture, you could even do something called "self reflection" when you create something that is all the pain and thoughts and negativity all put into a sculpture for it to be out of you and ever trapped in the sculpture....hmmm interesting thought there.

I have three cats so know how loving and cute and extremely selfish they can be..lol...but do provide some cuddles and lots of love and some great conversation. I have a tabby, a ginger and a bit of a mix, they are all so different and bring me so much joy, I love how animals just know when you need some care.

I think finding help with doctors and counsellors and the like is really like making friends and some people we connect with and some we don't and if we don't connect with people who are supposed to help on the wellness journey and we don't find them supportive or their suggestions things that resonate well it is just not going to work. I hope you can get a team together of people who you do connect with as it really makes for a successful healing journey and you so deserve some peace and some happiness and some joy in life.

How are you feeling about getting some sleep tonight? Sometimes a ritual sort of helps that can start to prepare you for sleep, maybe start with a bath and some music that is calming and even things like lavender to smell and stay away from phones and things that stimulate. Even some reading or then putting in some ear phones and doing some mindfulness and relaxation techniques..there are so many awesome apps that can talk you through meditation.

Sorry if I am waffling here, I am just wanting to give you some comfort and some support and for you to know I care and you are worth happiness and worth this life and for it to be a happy one.

Chat some more soon

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

My favourite things to create are fairy garden accessories and doors. I'm learning to sculpt creatures atm, dragons especially. Miniatures. With beads I love making beaded flowers, but they can be very fiddly and time consuming.

I just got back from ED again. I contacted the chat and one thing led to another and I was back there. More tablets to make me sleep tonight and tomorrow night until I see this apparently terrific MH dr Friday. Kind of feel heard but not like there is anything that can help except to make me stop thinking some way. Idk how. Idk any other ways. None of my methods worked, are working or did work.

So exhausting fighting myself constantly. I want to do it, but i know i shouldnt. But i want the relief and release and numbness. But i know i need a healthier way.

Eugh.

Hopefully the diaz kicks in soon and i can have a break.

Feeling lost....

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Ely72

I am so glad that you took yourself to the ED, this is exhausting and this is so frustrating and I know you want out, you want peace and you want the pain and the noise to stop, that what you have done in the past no longer works and there seems no hope and no future without this beast. I hear you and I am here with you. I know that it is not much help but I am here with you Ely72 and want you to stay safe and want you to stay in this world. I know right now there seems like there is no hope, that everything is just leads to the ED and that there is never going to be anything good. I have learnt so much here on these forums, that people can and do go on to live happy and healthy lives after suicide attempts, self harming, constant thoughts about ending their life and can go on to live with depression and anxiety and still have happy lives. Reach out to us here, keep talking, call Lifeline 13 11 14, talk to them they are amazing, talk to your partner, let her know how she can help you, get that craft out and make some beautiful or terrible creation and keep that mind busy.

I care so much and I hope you feel supported here Ely72, keep typing and feel the pain leave as you get the words out.

Please stay safe my friend

Huge hugs

Sarah xxx

[Ely_]

I swear the MH team here have no clue. Just had a phone call. They've cancelled my home visit tomorrow since Im seeing the dr in clinic on Friday. They didnt think to tell me that, esp before I rearranged my GP appointment. I only know coz I doublechecked. He rang to see how Im going BUT didnt even ask beside "How are you today" "Still the same"...

It's like they dont even listen.

Its irritated me to the point where tipped me over the edge where i want to again.

I ate earlier for the first time in 3 days. Now I feel sick though.

I hate this wiah i felt empty again.

[Guest_4643]

Hi all.

Apologies for not being on here all day, I've just had a busy stressful day & only got home earlier.

I hope you're alright Ely, & everybody else. Please take care & stay safe.

Love & hugs all around,

Tayla

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely72

That is really disappointing and I am so sorry that when you need this medical support it is not there, and when it is it is less than average. I cannot imagine how frustrating this is for you and how much it triggers your need to hurt yourself. I hope you can stay strong and please use one of the help line numbers, they really are so wonderful.

3 days is a long time not to have eaten anything and I understand that you probably have lost your appetite and that food is the last thing on your mind, but it really can have a huge impact on how you are feeling and your mental state. Even if you can snack on some small healthy things just to keep you nourished that would be great. I am so sorry to lecture you and you are not a child, it is more of just a reminder to try to do what you can control to stay alive.

How do you feel about your GP in the clinic? Do you find him/her helpful? Do you think that they can help you through this time? Is there a way that you can get the home visit tomorrow back? Sorry for all the questions I am just as frustrated as you are. I am not sure why when you are so very much in need this is happening and you are feeling so very unsupported Ely72.

Have you go something you can do as a distraction for tonight? Do you think you could take a trip to the craft box and even do some drawing or some colouring in or something to take your mind off your mind and how you area feeling? Do you think that might work?

I am so very sorry Ely72 that you are going through this and that the pain does not stop and you are so very tired and over it. I am here with you, keep typing my friend.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

Im still here. In ED again. I dont remember last night. I just wanted the pain to stop. I failed. They are moving me to MH inpatients tomorrow when there should be a bed free. Then I'm going to do a few week course as an inpatient elsewhere.

So far today I've fought with my partner, hurt my mother more and avoided my best friend. I dont want them to be here or know or see.

I just hurt soooo much and I dont want to anymore.

I tried really hard to distract and do mindfulness yesterday arvo. Then flick, thoughts and feelings exploded and I couldnt handle it.

Really hope this next option can help.me coz im at a loss..

[Guest_4643]

Hi all.

I hope everyone's alright, I'm sorry for not being on here much. I'm struggling a lot myself.

Love & hugs to everyone. Please take care & be safe all of you.

Tayla

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely72

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing, let you know I am thinking of you and hope that you are very safe. The past week has been a huge battle for you and I am so very glad that you have been to ED, that you made it through the "event" of the other night, even though you probably don't agree. I am so proud of you and care so much and I hope you are feeling supported after what has surely been very emotional for you and your loved ones.

Hope to chat some more to you Ely72 and hear you are ok.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely72

I just wanted to stop in and see if you are ok and if you need some support here and someone to chat to?

How was your weekend and how did the appointment go on Friday?

Thinking of you Ely72 and hope to chat some more to you.

Your friend Sarah