Scumbag

[ok_pitch]

I made a huge mistake which has cost me dearly. I can not see a path back which is clear enough to follow.

My self hatred is all consuming. I'm at a loss as to how to pick up the remaining pieces of my life and move forward.

Ideation is real and heady. I made it clear I'm ok for the night, but I guess I'm after some direction from anyone who has been in this situation.

[Croix]

Dear Ok_pitch~

Welcome back, I read your other posts and can see you have come to this big mistake from a place where you were pretty much worn out anyway. Perhaps that might have has something to do with it -you'd know better than me.

Yes I've been in that position and my mistake cost another, and there was no way back. I felt it was all down to me and my desire to take my life intensified.

I survived (obviously:) and looking back there were three separate things going on, the first was the fact I was at the end of my leather anyway wiht no seeming remedies. Secondly the event, the mistake, happened and thirdly I was suicidal.

They all seemed to be the one thing at the time, all my failings and no way out. I guess depression and various other problems such as PTSD and anxiety reduced my vision of the world down to just those few insoluble things, leaving everything else invisible. So no wonder I wanted out, despite having a family.

My way out in fact started wiht me telling someone else I was suicidal, that lead to hospital and a break away from life and all its problems. Not an instant cure by any means, but a bit of respite -even if not pleasant. It started me on the right track.

Now I can look back on all of it with more perspective and see how narrow my vision was.

I'm not suggesting you need hospitalization, I am suggesting you do not try to go it alone, sometimes the burden can be too much.

So can I ask if you have a GP or other medical form of help, and that you have told them about the mistake and how you are feeling now?

I felt a surprising lifting of the blackness pressing me down when I did confide and had others helping.

Apart from the medical side is there anyone who cares who you can talk frankly with? I found it worth it even though it was very hard to start.

I think my self hatred left a fair while ago now, mainly becuse of that perspective I talked about. I could see I was driven by circumstances, not my inherent failures, and came to bear the mistake as something I have to live wiht , but am kinder on myself now and it does not rule my life.

Would you like to talk some more?

Croix

[Mk2692]

Hi ok_pitch,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry that you are going through a difficult time. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for what happened and how things turned out. Everyone makes mistakes, we have to learn from them and hopefully not repeat them next time, but it is also important to forgive yourself, as you are only human and learning everyday in life. It is hard sometimes to find your way up after falling and choosing a path to move forward. Give yourself the time to grieve the losses you had, the plans you had and all the goals you wanted to accomplish. I know it's a cliché, but things happen for a reason and usually if a door is closed, it might have not been the best for you. All you can do is lift yourself up and i know it is very hard and sometimes you try to but you fall again, it is ok, take the time you need to grieve and let go of what is holding you back. Getting up is very hard and moving on is harder, but once you take that one step forward, everything else will fall into place. It is so important to forgive yourself and love yourself, this will give you the confidence to move forward. I don't know if you see a professional to talk to but if you don't i recommend to book an appointment with GP for a referral to a psychologist. A psychologist can help you navigate through your emotions and through this hard time. Reach out to family and friends for support and do things you love. Things will eventually get better with time and hard work. Hope this helps.

[ok_pitch]

Croix, I really would like to speak more. I feel I have cornered myself into oblivion. My sense of self worth is less than nothing, and I'm finding myself constantly dreaming of escape.

At the same time, there is a sense that ultimate escape is weak and that I should exist for no reason other than to make amends and ensure my kids are setup in a way that gives them some kind of future.

Either way, I can't see myself living a life worth living.

Seriously, reading this back before I hit submit sounds pitiful and weak. I have hurt my family so much, that even posting this is a joke.

Seriously everyone, never put your family in a compromising position, you will regret it for life and beyond

[Sophie_M]

Dear ok_pitch,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can get overwhelming. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 

[Croix]

Dear Ok_pitch~

I'm very glad you came back. You are at the worst point right now and from there the view is cut off from most things, just like it was for me. I could see no way to keep going, and felt I did not deserve to anyway.

Yet here I am, many years later, talking to you, living a life where I'm loved and love and am worthwhile. At the time I'd have laughed bitterly if someone told me that was possible.

If there is a thought of improving your kids lot for the future then grab it and live for it. It is a good act in itself and while it may not change what you have done will show you there is more to you than just one big mistake as well as benefit your kids..

I can't undo what I did but there is a set of scales inside, and given time they will balance with the things you do that help and living a wiser and better life. That can be acceptable, and allow happiness.

If you think I'm feeding you a line I'm not, it's hard won experience.

Hope we talk some more

Croix

[ok_pitch]

Thanks Croix. It does help to understand that someone has gone through something similar.

Guilt, self degradation, self hatred, wishing myself harm, these things are some big things to move on from, but it really helps to know it is possible.

My relationship is now over, and this is actually in some way a positive in my mind. It means the good things in my life are being removed, which is around about right. I will work to ensure I have a relationship with my now estranged kids, but things won't be the same.

I was thinking today that when it comes to it down the track, I will not get a lawyer and I will insist that my ex gets everything to ensure my kids are in a good environment. I'm too old to start again, but I'm more than happy to do without for them.

Thanks for replying it means a lot

[Croix]

Dear Ok_pitch~

Nobody is too old to start again ,and there is a trap -self punishment. Do what is fair by your kids but please do not write yourself off, you are a human being and while a frail vessel that makes mistakes are not limited to that, you are much more even if you do not believe so right now.

Who knows what your kids will think of you in the future - a benevolent entity on their side I hope. Someone they will eventually come to as a person they can rely upon.

You too have to have a life, and garner self respect, please do not sell yourself short, include your own well-being your plans. If in future times you can steer your kids around the mistake you made that is a great thing, however it means you have to come to terms with yourself and realize you can be worthwhile and lead.

So while seeing to their future see to yours too.

Does this make sense?

Croix

[ok_pitch]

It makes perfect sense.

I think, though, that where I'm at is a bit different. If you look at it from a cold perspective of RoI, the investment must be the kids. I can support them in a way and that, I feel, offers me a reason to live.

It can only happen at my expense, but what dad wouldn't want the best for his kids?

As long as I can remain employed in some way, and contribute to their well being, and to their future, my life is not ended, it cut short.

you really have to take such penance to survive the hurt you cause others I suspect. There is no "me", only "us": an entity I have shattered for a few moments of stupid pleasure.

the way I see it, the only way I can survive more than a month or two is if I devote my life to this cause. Without that for direction, I feel I don't have a purpose. I feel that at a moment's notice I will end it if I can't provide this.

I'm so sorry for taking up your time for this trivial stuff, but thank you for being there. I don't have anyone at all to talk to about this, or about anything. So thankyou!

[Croix]

Dear Ok_pitch~

First off there is no need to apologize at all, you are wresting with very heavy things, and talking may well help, and lend another's perspective.

There are 2 "me"'s in "us", and while you might feel at the moment that's not the case the very fact that you are thinking of your kid's welfare shows you are your own person.

You, like I was, feel in some way penance is due, actually you are already suffering greatly from the consequences of your actions, and that is more than enough, and really can become manageable. I'd go further and say you have gained a measure of wisdom and now know what is to be valued in life.

That is something that places you ahead of many - a person to value - even if at the moment you do not agree.

OK so at the moment the kids are your purpose, there is nothing wrong with that, and if it keeps you gong for the moment -good. Actually it points out to us, reading your words, the inherent good in you.

Please though don't fall into the trap of thinking it can be the only reason for going on. Surprisingly I found listening to comedy did help, I enjoyed it, something I'd not expected to be able or deserve to do. It came completely out of left field. I'd love it if you could scratch around and find something that can take your mind away from this hard situation for a little while

What do you think?

If you can afford it I would suggest you receive counseling, something many need after compromising their family, you do not need harsh judgment, you need support. Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 is a good choice if they are in your area. They are used to people that can only see their own faults and be consumed by regret, and help move them into fresher fields.

I hope you can agree with some of the things I've said

Croix