Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Just taking a break from the phones.... a few Too many deep breaths.... I've made myself feel dizzy 1 hour and 40 mins to go.

[Catie 08]

I can breath a little easier again now, the kids are home. They are a good distraction 🥰

I just hate how torn I feel. It shouldn't be this hard. If only we had a crystal ball....

Thanks for the music inspo, you have the best taste in music.

[Richie01]

I know you hate it C. I get it, i had the same feelings. I really really get it.

Its something no one should ever have to discuss and yeah, how amazing would a crystal ball be!!!! Just take your time in making any decisions, im always here if you want to chat about it.

Linkin park is the selection for tonight. Shadow of the day followed by waiting for the end. I find motivation in the most unlikely of songs when im in the head space im in now. Its funny, somehow you can see the sun through the clouds when you least expect to. Gives me hope for the future 🙂

It will be ok C. I know i can say that and it wont change things at all but it really will be. The future is forged by the choices we now make. This is our time... That sounds crazy, i realize that but this is the time for us to do what our souls need. Whatever path you go down will be the right one as long as you listen to your heart. Our heads have kept us pretty safe in the past but we over analyse everything, we see the negatives and sometimes dont see the positives. We shelter and protect, guard and hide, its what we do, its how we had to be. Now is when we slowly let that go. Step by step, breath by breath, day by day. Slow is good for us as much as we want to steam roll through this. Love yourself and take the time to listen to your heart C.

Too full on again but hey, its my birthday tomorrow so im allowed to have one more moment as a 35 year old 😊

Weekend for you!!!! Hope you have some plans to unwind after the week you have had.

[Catie 08]

I almost told my sister tonight.
I sent her a message but chickened out.
Now I'm back to trying to breath again.
I feel like I could explode, I just don't want to carry it anymore.
I still dont know for sure if he did anything to my siblings, I just pray he didn't but I just don't know. If I say something and then find out it happened to them too I would be devastated. If it did, I could have prevented it if I had spoken up back then.
How can I go 30 odd years of dealing with it and then all of a sudden I just can't do it anymore??? It's messed up!!

[Richie01]

Its so completely messed up. Not that after 30 years you cant do it anymore but that for thirty years you have had to do it full stop!!!

Everything you write resonates so loudly with own thoughts C. I too questioned for so long if my sisters had endured what i had. The thought of finding out that they had used to consume me as the reason i stayed quiet was the threats that he made towards them. I’m still not sure about my youngest sister, her and I are very similar in too many ways that my eldest two bear no resemblance to. I could never ask her and she has never really said a great deal to me about even what i had disclosed.

There is nothing that will give us the time we have lost back but making the most of the rest of our time is something we are going to help each other to achieve. Do you think talking to your sister first might make telling your parents a little less overwhelming? I know my sisters were more supportive than my parents were, part of me thinks they like to think it didnt happen to me or that they pretend i never said it but they didnt make things hard like my parents did. I understand my parents struggled to accept it and still do, we dont bring it up but i can see the thoughts are there when we talk. Them knowing is a relief, it took a long time for me to feel that way about it but i do and I’m glad they know. I really dont know how it would have gone if my sisters were not there for me, they are all i had at that point in my life to support me.

Your so strong Catherine. you have carried this for so long by yourself, its not fair that you have had to do this alone. I cant say anything to make it easier, all i can offer is everything i am. I know you dont know me but honestly, over the last few months, you have seen more of me than most people ever will. I’m here for you, for anything and I’m not going anywhere. No matter what happens, ill support what you choose.

Your amazing C, I’ve said it a dozen times but I’m proud of you and everything you are doing.

I’m here, i understand what your feeling, i know you know that. Nothing you say will ever change the way i see you. Do what is right for you C, that’s what’s important, you are important.

Rich

[Catie 08]

"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Richie..... Happy Birthday to you" 🥳🎂🎈
I hope you appreciate how poorly I sang that as I wrote it lol.

I hope you have a great day.

[Richie01]

today im going with- Closer to the edge-30 seconds to mars. Just because 😊.

Hope you have a good day C.

[Richie01]

Thanks C.

Im sure itll be a standard day at work birthday lol. Im quite happy to have a very quiet one today. Have not actually been home for a birthday in like 4 years so ill keep the trend going.

Im trying not to picture the singing but ill go with the comical version i have going 😋

Hope you have a great day too.

Rich

[Catie 08]

I hope you enjoyed your birthday (as best you can when you have to work).

We have had the best weather, yesterday was 18 degrees 🏝 and in true Tassie style we may get snow down to sea level early next week 🥶. I've just filled up the wood box ready - just in case.

I went for a walk to the beach yesterday to try and clear my head a bit but I ended up just thinking about it more.

Today we did a fun run/walk. It was nice to get out with the kids. I has worn me out thoe, I ended up falling asleep when we got home 😳 - I'm getting old!

I think your right about talking to my siblings. I can imagine talking about it with them will be easier than with the parents but I worry if I tell them without telling my parents I'm then dragging them into my world of lies and secrets- it doesn't seam fair to do that to them. I think I'll ask my therapist to help "prepare" me to talk to them??

I hope your day is going well.
C.

[Croix]

Dear Catie 08~

I wanted to thank you for letting me know about the Disturbed versions of Sounds of Silence in the Immortalized album.

I guess one's liking's change with one's condition, or at least mine do. When I first started having the usual effects of PTSD which you know only too well then "Paint it Black" by the Stones was probable my thing, if I'd though about it. Anything cheerful of 'uplifting' I found silly, trivial and annoying. Next at the time would have been "Eleanor Rigby"

Sounds of Silence started to become a favorite as I improved a little, as did Windmills of your Mind (movie theme version), mainly becuse they did not require me to understand, but had overtones of peace, something much needed.

Your version I think is just a little blacker than mine even the the same lyrics, maybe I've grown that little bit further -maybe just my idle fancy there.

Now I also like Tom Waits "God's away on business" to round things off

Nice to meet you in such a pleasant way.

Croix