Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Hey C,

Sounds like you had a pretty good day to me 🙂Think i need to incorporate some self care into my therapy days!!

My day has been alright. Been a headache with safety KPIs and all the fun stuff but its going quick.

I havnt been writing too much, have to admit ive been feeling a bit flat really but flats not always bad. 3 days and im 36 😬 First birthday in a lot of years i would rather not have i guess. God im sounding like a total buzz kill lol.

Have you been keeping the diet and exercise on track (cake aside of course). My diets going the same but i need to exercise today i think. Clear the head a bit.

What do you have planned this afternoon?

Rich

[Catie 08]

I look forward to seeing what you choose for your self care day, I highly recommend it 😉.

I haven't done too bad with the diet considering how I've been feeling recently but the excersise hasn't been great. We are actually doing a "fun" run on the weekend (which I'll be walking with my eldest and hubby will run with the youngest). So I'd better at least schedule in a bit of treadmill time before then - perhaps not today though, I don't want to ruin the day lol.

Your still just a spring chicken! I know things aren't exactly as you want them but do try and enjoy your day. I suggest eating lots of cake 🎂 😊

I hope the excercise helps.

Catherine.

[Richie01]

Sounds like a fun run would be a good day out. I need to do things like that!!! Hope the meds dont kick in and you start sleep walking lol.

Exercise didnt help with the sleep but im not worn out so thats ok. Self care day..... Im not good at doing things for me- I feel guilty putting myself first, always have. Even now that its only me, i still consider everyone else to the point where i feel selfish for even getting help. I know its screwed up but what do you do right 🙄. Ill get there. Start small and go from there.

How everything else been going? Getting back into the swing of things with work?

[Catie 08]

I'll make sure I keep the daughter close so she can guide me over the line if I start sleep walking lol

Its not screwed up, it's what you taught yourself to survive. I had this conversation in therapy yesterday... I want to do one thing because I know it will help me but I can't bring myself to do it because I'm afraid it will hurt others. We are just to fxxxing nice for our own good. It took me a while to get into the self care but I'm hooked now. I have a standing appointment for a massage once a month (I'm more likely to go if it's pre booked). As you said, start small, you'll get there.

Work has been ok. I kept getting flashbacks today and over Thinking the future "what ifs" but I kept bringing myself back to the present moment each time. It's exhausting but I'm getting better at it. Post-therapy days often stir things up a bit.
I finally got to do my performance review (without crying at my boss) and I aced it 🏆.

Just running around organising things for the kids (their social life is better than mine!!). I never got to do all the sports and clubs when I was their age so I don't mind doing it for them.

I hope your day has been ok. Back in the gym tonight?

[Richie01]

Flashbacks...... Such a simple word for something so powerful. I have learned to just shut down to them. Well i should say i had learned but they broke through that. Its something I dont think an explanation could ever do justice to, the way they can take over i mean. I think i know i cant try to hide them and pretend I’m ok anymore but that doesn’t change the fact that every day i wish i could bottle it all up again and hide away. Its time to change that, i never really saw the repercussions of how i coped until recently, its horrible this feeling, the realisation that by trying to protect me and shelter those around me, i was actually doing the complete opposite.

Anyway, there i go, unloading me again lol. Sorry.

Sounds like a good idea, your daughter can be in your corner lol. Can just imagine her dragging you over the finish line .🤣

Ill see how i go with the self care. Don’t think a massage is my thing, im pretty guarded about being touched by anyone... Drs and dentists included. Guess thats part of it all.

I actually had a really bad experience last time i saw a dentist. Had to get a wisdom tooth sorted and he wanted to fix a chip in my front tooth. He said something that triggered me in a way i had never recalled until then. He made a comment about showing him my smile in exactly the same words that were said by the guy who started this all. Long story short, I have not been to a dentist for 7 years. I have needed to like really badly. Had a toothache that went really bad and its still there about 3 years on. Sounds crazy but yeah, its something i have not spoken about until the last three weeks. But guess what, i booked myself in the day after i get home!!! Wont say I’m feeling good at all about going but I’m making myself do it. That’s my first self care.

Sorry C, I feel like I’m unloading all of my crap onto you. You’ve been such a great friend and i just feel like i am taking advantage of that. I know I’m just in a funny place at the moment. Maybe thats why i feel that way. Ill go for a run and try and get my head straight. This always happens when i start planning heading home. Well back to the real world now, not home.

Ill leave it at that, dont mean to be a burden.

Thanks C

[Catie 08]

Don't be sorry, there is no need for that here. That's not what this space is. This is about saying what you need to say, when you need to say it. NEVER a burden, I've got you back just like yourve got mine 😊.

That's really shitty about the dentist. Its unreal how just hearing the words once spoken or smelling a smell or being in a certain place can take you back there, I get it I really do.

Im really proud of you for booking yourself in to the dentist. That is a huge step forward. Talking about it and making that appointment is all part of exposure therapy. No it's not going to be comfortable or easy but each time you do it is progress.

I could tell your starting to think about heading back. That time seams to have gone really fast. It will be great to spend time with the kids again. Do you have anything planned for them?

[Richie01]

Ha, Yeah, its shitty alright. But nice to know someone understands just how easily something small can bring back so much pain. Its always been something i never understood and felt alone in, almost as if there was something completely wrong with the wiring in my head. Nice probably isnt the right word, maybe comforting???

Thanks C, I know this place is somewhere we can express what we usually cant, its just a hard feeling to shake...The feeling of guilt for opening up about how this all feels. Its as if the worthlessness takes over sometimes and its like sharing this brings a confusion that leads to questioning everything. If that makes sense.

Your right about the stressing about going back to normal life, its pathetic really, the lack of ability to function like a person is quite confronting. I think the reality is that out here, im who i want everyone to see...In control, can handle pressure and important/reliable. My past has no place here if that makes sense. I could never explain that to Sehra, how the way i acted at home compared to how i acted when here was like two different people resided within me. How do you explain the difference when all you want to do is shelter everyone from the truth. It was never about hiding things, it was about stopping the hurt from hurting everyone else. As much as i believe that tho, im starting to feel like i was too ashamed to admit or speak about what i have been fighting with. When the ones you love find out the truth, it changes everything. I always thought and felt it was a negative, that no one could love me if they saw that in me. I mean seriously, how could anyone see past that if i couldnt. God i hate this!!!! just want to scream but i wont, i never can. So ill just hold it together as best i can and see where i end up. At least im finally getting the help ive needed. Ill get there im sure.

Cant wait to see the kids, if for no one else, im doing this for them. They put all of this into a perspective ive never focused on. Its just incredibly gut wrenching that i wasnt strong enough to do this earlier. F##k there is so much i have screwed up. Bring on time travel so i can erase the past!!!

Anyway, thanks for being here, its hard for me to accept someone doesnt judge me but i know you dont and that is special.

Hows your day looking? Glad your appraisal went well, i know your hard on yourself but its funny how what we see in us isnt what others do, we need to ease up on ourselves dont we.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Today's music inspo...
Kelly Clarkson- breakaway

[Catie 08]

It's not pathetic - you weren't the one curled up in bed sobbing like a 3 year old last week 😳

I get what you mean about being two different people. When I'm around my family I put on such a front, pretending all is good, the model child with the perfect life. I've actually been up since about 4am stressing. I feel like me telling them everything in imminent. I feel like I need to do it for me but I'm freaked out about what it will do to them. Too f***ing nice I tell you! It's all I've thought of since Wednesday. I keep trying to pack it away but I keeps creaping back in. I've got the music up loud today trying to drown it out.
I've taken so many deep breaths today I may as well be in labor again!!

We certainly do need to be a bit kinder to ourselves, it's just hard when emotions are running so high.

I won't be far away today if you need to chat.

C.

[Richie01]

Hey,

I understand your reservations about telling them. I know the reactions and repercussions of disclosing this and how conflicting the good vs bad is for you. At the end of the day C, the only choice to make is so simple yet so impossibly hard. Will telling them and the impact that will have outweigh the impact that this happening has had on your entire life. The truth is, no matter what we decide to disclose, it doesnt change what has happened but that being said, without placing blame onto anyone other than the person who the blame lies with, the discussion about what happens does sound like one that does need to happen for you. With me, it didnt make things easy with my family but at least the constant stress and fear of them finding out was gone. It presented its own difficulties for sure and as you know, for me, it wasnt my choice to tell them but at least i didnt have to walk on eggshells all of the time, well not like i had been anyway. Like i said, it presents new difficulties but they are ones we can process as an adult and have support through, not like when we were a child where the processing skills just were not there and support!!! What the hell was that again?

Whats right for me isnt in any way necessarily whats right for you but through the negatives it brought, it made some definite positives for me. This is a huge decision and one you will need the support of from those close to you. Im here in every way i can be and i will be for as long as is possible but your hubby, your close circle of friends, you need them close if this happens. If i learned anything from my experience, me being alone through that almost destroyed me. I will support any decision you make here, thats unconditional.

Dont focus on telling them C, focus on not having to hide it from them is probably my only real advice to offer. If its right for YOU then its the right thing and you know ive got your back with this 🙂

Audioslave Be Yourself. Thats my try to be ok with myself song lol.

Hope your having a good day.

Rich