Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Hey,

Isn’t it f-ing exhausting!!! Every freaking day it’s just on repeat. Sometimes you just want to be on an island by yourself just so you don’t have to put everyone else first!!!
we do need to C, we need to love who we are, I always laughed when someone would say that but it really does ring true. From everything you’ve shared, there’s a hell of a lot to love ( in a genuinely honest way).
I know what you mean about when will the happiness come, it really feels like we just swim in circles doesn’t it... tell you what tho, chatting with you sort of changes that for me, even tho things mightn’t be great, there’s support and understanding where there wasn’t any before ( and it’s free!!!!!!) and that has sort of broken that circle and given me a real senses of relief. It’ll happen, I’m not sure how it will happen, maybe it’ll be some defining moment where the clouds part and a rainbow lands on our forehead, maybe world peace will come with it! I’d settle for the person in the mirror smiling back at me every day 🙂

100 years old! I can’t even focus on tomorrow at the moment but hey, when we have made peace within our thoughts, the rest of the years will be great.
two hours left to go tonight... music is lacking inspiration for me tonight, had a mini panic attack on the way, had to pull over for an hour and get my crap back together. So over this but so committed to working through it!
hope you’ve had a good night, chat soon.
Richard

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
I hope you made it back ok and were able to get some rest before work started.

I feel the same about our chats - I would be lost without them.😊

Keep your eyes on the horizon for the rainbows ahead, they are ours for the taking 🌈😉

Ps. I need to you make me accountable. If I ever start to sound a bit low again could you please make sure I'm actually exercising and eating properly... with the kids away I've fallen out of routine (sleeping in and eating rubbish). I've realised that's most likely part of the reason that my anxiety has spiked 🤦‍♀️

[Richie01]

Sounds like a plan. As long as you do the same and we are both honest, it’ll be a great thing. Ive got your back whenever you need ok. I get a bit low some days, just remind me about how beautiful my kids are .😊

How are you feeling today? Back at work? I’m in full swing first thing so that’s bound to take my mind off of the overdrive its been in for a couple of days / years lol.

Just to clear it up tho, some days you need a sleep and pig out day. At least for a little bit of it, don’t hate on yourself for having one every now and then but don’t let it drag on I guess. I had a day on break where I stayed inside and did absolutely nothing and felt so messed up that night that it wasn’t funny, then I had a morning where I needed to just chill and get my thoughts together. After that, I had a great day but if I had continued to stay inside, I know it would have turned out to be a bad one. It’s all about moderation but sometimes we just need someone to kick us in the arse every now and then. Easier to accept it when it comes from someone who understands, I totally get that 😉

Have a good day Catherine,

Ill check in every hour or two if you need a chat.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Hi, I'm currently waiting for my computer to reload - the joys of working remotely out in the sticks.

It's a deal. Rules are as follows:
- we are only allowed 1 "pig out" day at a time two in a row is not allowed.
- we need to be honest about what we are eating and the excercise we are (or arnt) doing (not that I feel I can be anything other than honest here)
- I'll remind you how beautiful your kids are and you'll remind me that those jeans are not going to fit on their own🤣

Feeling pretty good today (it might be the redskins and sherbies talking), no but seriously,.I got up early and did a work out and I'm feeling a lot brighter. I have got pins and needles in my right foot today, I think it's a side effect of the increased meds. I rang my Dr to make sure it's ok to continue but I'm yet to hear back.

Check out my profile pic...
Perfectly imperfect and I am the storm... a couple of wristbands that I ordered arrived today. Today I'm defiantly feeling like the storm 😉⛈
C.

[Catie 08]

OMG, this was too funny not to share...
I was just on the phone to a financial adviser and my cat came out of nowhere... collected my headset and my second monitor and I just about had everything on the floor.
The best part was that the adviser had no idea I was litterally juggling my headset, monitor and cat all whilst helping her #wfhgoals 🤡 🐈 #ivegotthis

[Richie01]

Your a dork. That would have been hilarious .😂

Sounds like an awesome plan C, we wont let each other fall b the wayside I promise that.

I had a salad and small steak for dinner and should go for a walk or jog tonight but think ill pass till tomorrow. Mentally tired from everything at the moment....

It was Sehra’s other sons 21st today. God it hit hard that I’ve been in his life since he was 12 and now I miss his 21st. I never got close to him, I always feared he would reject me and I’m starting to realise just how big a fear I have about that, its like my kryptonite I crap you not. Just another regret to add to this list I am struggling to carry. Yet carry it I will. Gotta face the worst to let the good shine through...

You sound like your in a good place tonight, it makes me happy to hear you talk like that, lets focus on keeping you there and get you back into those jeans ok 😊.

Hope the cat doesn’t destroy the rest of the house tonight lol.

Take care Catherine, as always, I look forward to hearing from you.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Thats pretty big. Don't forget to use your writing, your so good at it. We carry to much on our shoulders as it is, if writing can provide you mind some rest, even if it's just for a while, it is worth a try.

I went for a walk to the beach after work. It was nice to enjoy the last of the days warm sunlight. Today has been a good day. I think the extra meds are helping. The Dr called back and yes, apparently the pins and needles in my feet are a side effect. I may be feeling them worse because of the nerve damage caused when I injured my back but he said it should be ok to keep going with it.

I hope work goes smoothly. Do you have Pearce back with you this time?

C.

[Richie01]

That’s good to hear it’s nothing to worry about. Sehra had the same thing in her legs and feet after she hurt her back, funny how a back can do so much to you! Glad you got out for a walk, I’ll bet it capped the day off well for you.
No Pearce any more 🙂 he pulled the pin, probably for the best really. If I heard one more joke about gates I’d flip!!! He even started saying pearly by the end of it.
god I’m 36 in two weeks!!! Can’t say I imagined that this is where I’d be at this age. Didn’t even realise until I remembered the 21st, knew it was only two weeks before mine.
last day for the working week tomorrow, that’s gotta be a good feeling for you. Still miss that Friday afternoon feeling I must say.

[Catie 08]

Hooray!! No more Pearce. At least that one less thing you need to stress about. Hopefully the next few weeks will go smoothly for you.

36 🎂. I'm sure the kids will enjoy spoiling you when you return.

Yes, glad it's Friday tomorrow. The kids return tomorrow afternoon so I'm looking forward to spending time with them and hearing about all of their holiday adventures.

C.

[Richie01]

Awesome, I bet youve missed them to death. I like the wrist bands by the way, forgot to mention that. I guess you wear one each day depending on the mood hey...

I wont be home for my birthday again so ill see how it goes when i get home. Just seeing them is all i want (well almost) 😊.

How are you getting on today? eating healthy and planning some treadmil time before the kids get home?

I went for a walk this morning, couldnt quite put on the jogging face lol. Havnt eaten a thing so the dietry side isnt a worry.

Hope you have a good day,

Chat soon.