Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Hey Catherine,

god, it sounds like you have had a really full on week. Sorry I’ve been out of service until now. I hope you are feeling a bit better today, I can only imagine how hearing about your friends daughter would have an impact on you, brings back memories for me, I used to do that, not any more thankfully but it’s very close to home. The association that people just say it’s a cry for help and treat it like attention seeking or something can really make it worse. I look back now and ask why I did it but even as I ask, the reasons behind it aside, I know exactly what it made me feel and I really hope she gets the help and guidance she needs. You are already helping people C, I know you will get through this and help so many more through what you have achieved. I’ll say it again and I’ll say it in the future, I’m proud of you 😊.
How has everything else been? The island was good, still a bit too focused on my crap to let myself enjoy the things like I should but yeah, getting away was nice. Caught a few fish but nothing like we thought we would ( how do I call myself a fisherman and not lie about catching heals lol).
Look forward to hearing back from you.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed your island getaway and thank you for the profile pic, the sunny blue sky is appreciated 😉.

I've had a pretty rough few days. Ive ended up having panic attacks whilst I was doing my work at home. I've been finding even the things I used to do to calm down result in panic attacks lately My Dr ended up call me back (bless his cotton socks) and he increases my meds - again.

Currently back at my parents picking up the kids so that's not doing much to help my anxiety either.

Home again tomorrow

C.

[Catie 08]

So pleased to finally be home again from what has been yet another exhausting weekend.

I've just sat down and written a 'debrief' in the hope to try and simply calm the anxiety down and make sense of why I get so worked up.

I figure that whilst I know that sharing my story with my family would ultimately help me to heal from my past I also know that I'm not strong enough to tell them and it's not so much the 'telling' that is the problem it's that I'm not ready to face their questions and I don't want to have to help them process this because I know I would feel that it's my responsibility as they are not the type of people that would seek help if they struggle with the truth.

It hurts to be so torn.

The fact that i am here and going to therapy is a huge step forward and now i need to find a way to be ok with the 'new me' without it damaging my relationship with my family.

No one warns you that when you start releasing the truth how it changes you and how you see the people around you. I didn't realise that I would also need to find new ways of coping with old wounds esspecially after dealing with it for 30ish years on my own.
C.

[Richie01]

Hey Catherine,

No one warns us. That’s so true. Not only do we face that it’s out in the open but it’s the feelings we face around those we have known for so long that never existed before. I can only speak for myself but I do feel it has changed so many relationships I have had when the proverbial cat is out of the bag. Maybe it’s all in my head but it feels like after the initial adjustment period, people act differently around me, almost like they are too scared to say the wrong thing. What happened to us hasn’t changed us, in every way it has made us who we are. What changes us is the way people look at us with the new knowledge. The hard truth is that it happened, we have lived with the pain and confusion it brings by ourselves for so long that when others know ( and let’s be honest, they will never hear the full accounts) it brings a whole new side to our already conflicted thoughts. I’m really sorry to hear how you feel that your family will Take the news. I’ll never suggest you tell them or not but as I’ve always said, if it’s right for you, then that’s what matters. You can’t burden your thoughts with how they will react or how they may personalise this. If I was your father, I would be proud of you for who you have become and although the news would be devastating, finally being a part of your journey would mean more to me than the anger and guilt that may arise. I know that everyone takes things differently but I think in the end, however they take it is their choice. We can only do what is right for us now.
how have you been today? Are the kids still on holiday? Mine went back today so I’ll pick them up at three. Back to work on Thursday so as crappy as it is, I’ll be back in a place where I cope a little better.
music for the day has been INXS and the doors. A little nostalgia From the past 🙂

hope you are feeling ok. Chat soon.
Richard

[Catie 08]

Thanks Richie,
I know if my kids came to me and told me that this had happened to them and they were unable to talk to me about it i would be devastated. I guess i dont want my Dad to feel like this. It would distroy him and I have a really intense need to protect him.
I felt so many times on the weekend that I could have just come out and told them but I need to heal me before I could even consider telling them. I know if I did tell them they will look to me to help them through this and for once in my life I just want to be the child and not the adult. So torn 😖.

My kids still have another week off so they are with the in-laws this week. I've got therapy again Wednesday.

Currently having a cuppa and eating nutrigrain like its popcorn 😳. So much i should be doing but my "be bothered" is broken so... na it can wait.

Enjoy your time with the kidlets.

C.

[Richie01]

Hey Catherine,

hows it all been going for you? Do you have an app today? I know Wednesday’s are your self care day. Hope everything’s ok. I have my six or seven hour drive today so that’ll be fun as always. Just tidy up the bungalow and hit the road for me. Has the nutrigrain habit going lol. One of my twins does the same thing.

hope all is well.

[Catie 08]

Hi Ritchie,
Yep, just came out of my appointment and the moral of today's story is that Catherine needs to be kinder to herself and stop pitting the needs of others before her own. Sound familiar?? They are hard lessons to unlearn though aren't they.
You have a long day ahead of you. What's on you playlist for the drive?? Can I suggest some crowded house?

[Catie 08]

So i should be cleaning the house (it's kind of gross) but instead I've just painted my nails and watched bad moms - I love that movie, it always makes me feel better about being a mum 😊

[Richie01]

Ha,

Bad moms is a goodie. I’ll definitely give the house some air time today. They’re timeless really.

Im on board 110% with the being kinder to ourselves call. Honestly, if something affects me, I generally try to see how it will impact everyone else first and spend more time trying to burden them less than actually dealing with what I need to start with!!! Maybe its a self worth thing, maybe its putting on a front, maybe its simply that we care for others more than ourselves. Probably a combination of all of them I guess. I am finding lately that I have a lot more focus on me and what I want rather than feeling selfish for wanting things for me, its great but at the same time, the realisation of just how different life now is when there is no need to factor the ex in is really confronting. Still hold hope that somehow things can be mended there but its completely in her court now. As long as I work on bettering myself, that’s the important thing now right????

Glad your focus in on you after today C, its overdue I’m sure and its hard to do it but at the end of the day, its what your soul needs.

Hope your afternoon goes well, I’m going to head off in an hour or so. Roma by midnight then a quick sleep and off to work for three weeks!!! YAY.

Take care Catherine

[Catie 08]

Defiantly a combination of all of those options and you know what, it's f-ing exhausting!!!! I didn't feel like I made a whole lot of progress in therapy today, we spent most of the time rehashing old ground but I obviously needed reminding of the message that my needs are important too, unfortunately it just doesn't come naturally.
Defiantly time for us to take care of us, I just hope we figure out how to do it so that the good and happiness that is promised can come sooner rather than later.
Your right, my sole does need it. Hubby spoke again the other day about living until he is 100, the thought of 62 more years living like this makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel I've done my quote of shit now, I'm ready for the happiness please 🙋‍♀️.
Enjoy the music 🎶
C.