Scary decision

Rockpaperscissors · ‎13-07-2021

I've been extremely stressed/depressed at work and home for a while now and haven't been coping much at all. Lately the smallest thing can set me off into a rage.
This morning I was at the point of a split decision, the decision I chose means I'm still here but I've never been there before and it could have just as easily gone the other way. I'm worried about having to make that choice again and if I'll make the right one.
Does anyone here have any advice?

romantic_thi3f · ‎13-07-2021

Hi Rockpaperscissors,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for deciding to join us.

I'm not entirely sure how to give advice, as the decision seems kind of vague, and I'm not sure if thats intentionally vague because of your safety, or if it's something you don't feel like sharing with us. Either is ok of course, but it means my mind is going a few ways about what that decision looks like and how you would have to make that choice again.

That said though, the very first thing that comes to mind is safety planning. I'm not sure if you've heard of that before or have done one, but for me it's helping me continually decide to be here.

There are lots of different safety plans, but depending on what you need, maybe that's being specific enough so that you aren't forced to make a choice.

I'm not sure if this is resonating with you?

For what it's worth though, I'm really glad that you decided to be here.

rt

Aaronsis · ‎13-07-2021

Hi Rockpaperscissors

Welcome to the forum and I am so very very proud of you for reaching out here today to get some support at a time when I can hear you are so very confused and also not coping very well. I want to make sure that you remain safe and that if you feel like you are not to please call 000 and have an ambulance come to you.

You made a few right choices today, and one was to stay and that was so brave of you, so very brave. It must have been so frightening to be facing this choice and I am so proud that you chose you and chose to stay.

There are some really wonderful support services available in the community and one is Lifeline on 13 11 14, they are amazing and a chat with them could really help you.

There is also the suicide call back service, they are available on 1300 659 467 who may also be able to support you through this time.

I am here if you would like to chat about how you are feeling today, what is going on for you, I am here to listen and to put a virtual arm around you and let you know that you are cared for, that we hear you and that we want you to stay, so very much.

I am wondering if you have someone who can be with you for some support also?

I hope to chat some more to you.

Hugs

Sarah

Rockpaperscissors · ‎13-07-2021

Hi rt, yes you're right, it is vague. I think because I don't want to give it life if you can understand that.

I put myself in a position where in a split second I could just as easily not been here. I'd gone through some major depression around 4 years ago and back then thought that if I did want to end everything, ... but didn't actually try anything... just thoughts in my head.

For months now I've dreaded going to work and dreaded going home and it all got to me. I was at that same spot this morning, completely overwhelmed but I suppose at the point of no return, I stopped myself. It frightened hell out of me that I could have everything hanging on that tiny decision and wondered what made me stop.

It's hard to talk about the details of this morning because I don't want it to have any credence.

Sophie_M · ‎13-07-2021

Hi Rockpaperscissors,

We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, it sounds like you have had an incredibly difficult time today. We want you to know that we are here for you if you need us. We have reached out privatley as well to check in and see what other support we can offer.

Thank you for your open and honest post today, it must have taken a huge amount of courage to write this today and so we want to congratulate you for your bravery. Telling our stories and asking for help when we need it is a wonderful thing to do. Also, you never know who will read this and feel less alone in their own struggles. Thank you for giving that oppurtunity to the community.

We think that it might be time for you to give us a call on 1300 22 4636 to talk about how you are feeling. Our team are here for you when you are feeling distressed and can help process these thoughts and feelings.

If you feel unsafe, this is an emergency and you should call 000 straight away.

Please feel free to update us on how you are feeling, if you are comfrotable doing so. This community is here for you.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Aaronsis · ‎14-07-2021

Hello Rockpaperscissors

I just wanted to stop in today to see how you are, to see how yesterday went for you? I am wondering if chatting here helped in anyway and how you are feeling?

I hope that today provides some hope, some warmth and something to bring a smile to your face.

Hope to chat some more to you.

Hugs

Sarah xx

romantic_thi3f · ‎14-07-2021

Hi Rockpaperscissors,

It's really good to hear back from you.

Ah ok, I think I understand. My thoughts are while reading your post is that these choices and decisions are suicide attempts. In that a seemingly 'tiny' decision can mean the difference between you being here and not being here. Do I have that right? You don't have to elaborate of course, just wanted to check in so that I'm not assuming.

I wonder what made you stop too; it sounds like it was a big surprise. Some of these decisions and choices we have about being here and not being here can be so seemingly small, but at the same time so significant.

rt

Rockpaperscissors · ‎14-07-2021

Thanks Sarah, rt and Sophie, it has honestly been very helpful to tell someone something like this. I feel like if I hadn't, it could stay my secret and unfinished business if that makes any sense because the things that have triggered these thoughts/decisions are still there... but I feel like I've been slapped in the face to look at it all and try to deal with it.
I went and saw my doctor who is helping me. He's changed my medications and is organising counselling for me. I told him exactly what happened but I couldn't have done that without having first told you, it's a bit like having told you opened the door a bit and made it ok to speak about it.

rt, I really don't know why either. I keep thinking about just how easily I could be gone now and that's starting to really hit home today. Know what it feels like to be within a split second has given me a deep shock. I kind feel like I have a second chance.

Aaronsis · ‎16-07-2021

That last post of yours Rockpaperscissors was full of so much hope and I am so pleased to have read it.

I am thrilled that you feel like you have been given a second chance and that you have something to consider. That perhaps there is many wonderful reasons to be here. I also am proud you are going to be seeing a professional and having some support from a counsellor also. There really are so many great things about your post and I feel so happy for you.

I am wondering how you are feeling today and how you have been the past two days?

With hope comes the possibility of joy and I wish that for you.

Hope to chat some more

Sarah

romantic_thi3f · ‎19-07-2021

Hi Rockpaperscissors,

Gosh, thank you. I'm so happy to hear from you and your words mean so much to me. I will treasure them.

I do believe in second chances; but you did this. You decided to join the forums, you decided to share and you decided to go to the GP. I hope there's a part of you that sees the strength that I do, because I know that none of this is easy.

I hope you'll keep sharing and updating us. I have my fingers crossed that you'll have a good counsellor.

rt