Scared of Relapsing and Attempting Again.

[Tiah_]

Hi. I've never posted here before but I'm desperate. These past few months I've made everyone think I'm doing mentally okay again, but it's far from true. I've been struggling with thoughts, and honestly the only thing stopping me is the fact that if I survive this one (would be my 6th or 7th within a year) everyone would be so angry with me, particularly my mother. I'm 18, and I've struggled with mental health my whole life just about. I love my family, my best friend and boyfriend, but I can't deal with any of this. I can't even really tell my therapist because of the whole 'duty of care' policy. I don't need everyone finding out I'm thinking like this again. I can't really talk about this stuff with anyone other than my therapist either, but even then I don't really tell her everything. I tell her the truth, but it's truths that don't matter. I tell her I'm disturbed, but I just use something I've already told her as my reasoning. I couldn't tell anyone the real reasons. Obviously I won't disclose them here, but my god, I'm just struggling to survive at this point. I'm so good at pretending nothing's wrong, but I can only do this for so much longer. Every day I hold on to these secrets I promised would die with me, the more i lose sight of why I'm here. I'm running out of reasons to stay. Everyone uses love as a reason, and as much as I love my family and that, I'm not entirely sure love is enough to save a wreck like me. I like such an attention seeker; posting shit like this isn't me (like at all), but I have nowhere else to turn. I know I need to tell my therapist but as I said, DOC exists and I've been burned like that before. I'm begging for help. Please. 

[Croix]

Dear Tiah_

I'm sorry things are not good with your dad. Parents can do so much if they love and try -and not think of themselves. Look at it this way - he is wasting his life.

I was separated from my parents as they were toxic. How sad after a long life they were missed by nobody.

Frankly nobody who knows you would ever think you were seeking attention - though if a person does they need something and they should get that attention anyway.

Anyone who has tried to take their life and has thoughts of doing it again is in a serious position and their problems cannot be taken lightly.

By telling you psych the unvarnished truth I would suspect she would consider occasional admission in a different light to when you were minimizing. The fact it helped you is a huge factor to take into consideration.

Please go for what will be best for you , not what others want. I'd really like you to have a happier life.

BTW I like the sound of your best friend

Croix

[Tiah_]

Unfortunately people have tried to tell my my attempts were purely for attention before, and it's even sadder to admit that those things came from the mouths of people who were supposed to love me.

I want more than anything to tell her the truth, and I feel this newly found knowledge has given me the confidence to take that first step. I do worry though, I need to get another referral as my sessions with her have run out and getting to the doctors is proving to be quite difficult as I live in a one car household. 

I love my best friend, she's always been there. 

[Croix]

Dear Tiah_~

Some people simply do not understand. It is too far from their own experiences of life and so they fall back on what they know, things like attention seeking and all the rest. Try to see them as smaller less experienced and less capable people .

Getting to the doctor may be a bit of a problem however insisting on a visit to the doctor should not be beyond you, that's if your friend is not in a position to take you.

If you think your doctor needs reasons to send you back to the psych simply write down everything you feel and have had happen over the next few days in point form and hand it over in the consultation. I've found doctors and psychs like this list to work from and I've had to explain less. Easier all round

It's not a bad way as it gives you plenty of time to think of everything, and also (at least in my case:) makes it too late to minimize, or leave out embarrassing or frightening things.

Sometimes a doctor or psych can explain the seriousness of what  is happening to a concerned family member and get them to see attention seeking simply does not come into it.

Please let me know how you go

Croix

[smallwolf]

hello.

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with people invalidating your struggles and pain. Being accused of "seeking attention" when reaching out for help is extremely hurtful, especially when it comes from those who are supposed to care for you. You deserve better than that.

I hope you're able to get a new referral soon. Trying to access care with limited transportation is an unfair obstacle. Your struggles are real and deserving of support, no matter what others may say. Wishing you patience and kindness as you navigate this journey.