Scared of Relapsing and Attempting Again.

[Tiah_]

Hi. I've never posted here before but I'm desperate. These past few months I've made everyone think I'm doing mentally okay again, but it's far from true. I've been struggling with thoughts, and honestly the only thing stopping me is the fact that if I survive this one (would be my 6th or 7th within a year) everyone would be so angry with me, particularly my mother. I'm 18, and I've struggled with mental health my whole life just about. I love my family, my best friend and boyfriend, but I can't deal with any of this. I can't even really tell my therapist because of the whole 'duty of care' policy. I don't need everyone finding out I'm thinking like this again. I can't really talk about this stuff with anyone other than my therapist either, but even then I don't really tell her everything. I tell her the truth, but it's truths that don't matter. I tell her I'm disturbed, but I just use something I've already told her as my reasoning. I couldn't tell anyone the real reasons. Obviously I won't disclose them here, but my god, I'm just struggling to survive at this point. I'm so good at pretending nothing's wrong, but I can only do this for so much longer. Every day I hold on to these secrets I promised would die with me, the more i lose sight of why I'm here. I'm running out of reasons to stay. Everyone uses love as a reason, and as much as I love my family and that, I'm not entirely sure love is enough to save a wreck like me. I like such an attention seeker; posting shit like this isn't me (like at all), but I have nowhere else to turn. I know I need to tell my therapist but as I said, DOC exists and I've been burned like that before. I'm begging for help. Please. 

[Croix]

Dear Tiah_

I'm glad you came here, now you can talk without that pretend mask, and do so to others who have been the same.

Having so many attempts in one years is a good indicator of how bad things are for you , and it is only natural you would be fearful of making another. You are not seeking attention, so don't see yourself that way, see yourself in a hard place, it's the truth.

I used a mask, told everyone all was well, minimized matters to my doctor and generally downplayed everything. For while it was sort of OK, with no hard questions, but in time I got to feel the was a huge distance between how I really felt and what other people expected - it was terrible isolation -all by myself - so of course no real available help either .

When I did set out exactly how I felt I wrote it wrote it down and handed over the paper, it worked well, plus I'd had time to put down everything and when I handed it over it was too late to downplay the frightening or embarrassing. I was only asked ot amplify, not start from scratch.

Yes I too was frightened of 'duty of care' and losing control, however not all doctors are panic artists and you do have a measure of control and may discuss matters. You may even see the wisdom of being treated for the real problems - not some pretend minor matter.

So with duty of care what's the worst that might happen? It is certainly not worse than how you feel right now, I know, I've been there. I got different meds and a voluntary stay in hospital then. It was not a pleasant experience but I came out feeling better  - plus now I had a real backstop to rely upon if things got worse again.

How do you feel about the above?

Croix

[therising]

Hi Tiah

My heart goes out to you so much as you struggle with secrets that have obviously become just too unbearable and far too depressing to manage alone. I wish there was someone you could tell them to, someone who could help you vent all the pain and upset that comes with them, while also helping you alter your perception when it comes to the way you feel them. What would it mean to you, to be able to finally let them out and have someone help guide you through managing them and their impact on you?

[Tiah_]

I 100% agree with ever word you said, however the fear of everyone finding out how i'm thinking is still overwhelming. For example, if my mother found out i was thinking this way again it would start a huge argument. I've had voluntary stays in psych wards before and to be totally honest they're the only experiences I've had that have helped. Sometimes I do feel like I should go back, but it would cause so much conflict wth the people in my life. 

Under different circumstances, duty of care would not even be a factor in this whatsoever, but it's just the tension between my mother/family and I when it comes to the topic of mental health is a lot. If she found out I was going back to psych or doing anything related to getting better that inconveniences her will upset her greatly, and when we argue it's always bad. 

[Tiah_]

It would be such a weight off my shoulders. To have someone just listen to what I have to say with no judgement and my best interests at heart is a dream to me. I hate feeling scared to express myself or try and seek help that seems to 'annoy' others. I want more than anything for someone to support me when and if I go back to psych, or something else along those lines. I don't want the only thing keeping me alive to be solely because I'm scared that if I survive people will be angry with me for attempting again.

[Croix]

Dear Tiah_

OK, I can well understand the pressure that is on you to "be well". And when you feel so bad then you sort of believe you are trapped. A horrible situation to be in and it does need to be made better so life can start to be more enjoyable -and less dangerous.

First off let me ask you how your boyfriend and best friend feel - do they know your desperation - and want to help -or be like your mother and just basically order you to be well by arguing?

You can see why I'm asking, I'm wondering if either of them can be an understanding support. Not fixing things but the sort that will listen, not pressure you, the sort that would transport you to a psych or a hospital if you needed to go?

Your mother sounds a right pain and is frankly ruining your life. OK, you love her and I'm sure that  will not stop. However even people you love can be completely wrong and need to be ignored -not fought, ignored.

I wonder what sort of person your psych is. I realize you have been minimizing how you are, I suspect any psych with experience would be well aware this happens and can take it in their stride when the facts do come out - do you think you might find an ally?

One of the most significant things you said was "in psych wards before and to be totally honest they're the only experiences I've had that have helped"

That is really encouraging, and actually fits in with my own experiences. Being away from the world for a while is a real tonic.

Even if your BF and best freind are not the sort to help -and you might be surprised there  - then hopefully your psych will be and you will have an ally in this world to lean on.

I know from my own experience even wihtout arguments the temptation to keep on minimizing and fear of what people will think lead to attempts and it is basically luck I'm here and talking with you. Please try to see that fear in proportion.

It is not nearly as bad as you have built it up to be and if there are adverse reactions you can find the strength to deal wiht than and head towards the treatment that helps.

I remember the first time I was in a ward my big fear was what people would think. When I was discharged I found most did not know - or care, they just treted me as they normally did.

It can work out, and I'd really like to keep on talking with you

Croix

[Tiah_]

My best friend would support me, and if needed I'm sure she would transport me to a hospital or psych ward. However I know that she does not completely understand me, just as I will never fully understand her. My boyfriend is supportive, but if i'm honest sometimes I end up giving him more support than he gives me. 

I understand your take on the maternal portion of my life. She is good to me a majority of the time, but emotionally she's very absent. She has severe mental issues of her own, which is understandable but frustrating. I always wondered why she doesn't really support my mental decline if she herself feels it too. I love her, but it's tiring. Our relationship is a very complicated thing to explain. 

I love my psych, she has always been supportive, I first started seeing her when I was 15, then I took a break for a year after my second psych ward stay as I went to live with my dad once I was discharged. I'm back with my mother now, and have been since January. I'm freshly 18, and I resumed my sessions with her earlier this year. I'm not afraid that she will judge me, but I do not want her and my mother conversing about this whole thing. 

Psych wards helped me greatly. I've been to two, and both were refreshing and helpful. To others, it's seen as imprisonment and unnecessary, but to me it feels like the opposite. I had help 24/7, whenever I needed it. I was able to talk to people who wouldn't villainise my mental illness or habits. I didn't feel belittled or insignificant. I still think about readmitting myself to be honest, but as I mentioned before I'm not sure that's much of an option.

I would also enjoy continuous correspondence. Thank you.

[therising]

Hi Tiah

I'm not sure if it will of any help but I find a helpful mantra, which allows me to be much kinder to myself, is 'I don't know how to live under the circumstances'. Basically, no one's shown me how to, so how would I know? If you've found what works for you, such as staying somewhere that feels supportive, offers relief and lifts your spirits in some way, you could say that's what works under the circumstances. Maybe it's a matter of 'What else works under the circumstances, coupled with staying or having stayed in a ward that's saved my life in the past?'. Maybe coming out with the intention of developing a new skill set or some kind? Maybe coming out with a determination to develop a greater sense of self understanding? Perhaps coming out with an altered perspective?

Might sound a bit cheesy but I found defining what 'love' means to me to be of help when it comes to changing my perspective in some ways. Once I defined what love means to me, I found there were really good reasons for why I could and couldn't feel it at different times. For me, love is found in evolution. If someone is leading me to evolve, I feel loved by them. If they are keeping me standing still, with a lack of progression, or they're leading me to feel like I'm going backwards because me standing still or going backwards serves them in some way, I will not feel love or loved. I should add that some people don't mean for us to stand still with a depressing lack of progression. Sometimes us moving forward in some non conventional ways leads them to feel like they've failed us in some way and a sense of failure can be too hard for them to manage. So, while you wanting to evolve beyond this time (by going to stay in a place where you'll get support and relief) is you loving your self, to your mum you going there may mean she's failed you in some way, perhaps even leading to some overwhelming sense of guilt. Being someone who's managed the ins and outs of depression over the last few decades, I've always said to my kids 'If you find I'm not the best guide for you when it comes to managing your mental, physical and soulful wellbeing, your job is to find the best guides for yourself. If you need help with that, I will help you'. 

Tiah, your job is to find the best guides for you. Doesn't matter what anyone else says. As long as that guidance serves you in constructive and progressive ways, you need to trust what you feel as being the best guidance and support under the circumstances. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what we call it (our inner sage, divine guidance or something else), if something is saying to you 'You need to do what works for you, in order to manage, in order to save your life', you gotta trust that.❤️

[Croix]

Dear Tiah_

I'm glad you have some confidence in your best freind. I found it was not necessary for someone to understand exactly what was in my head to be a real support, just listening and caring without judgement does an awful lot.

At 18 you are entitled to have complete privacy with your psych. I'm glad you like her and she has been around for a long time. If you are open wiht her then your treatment can be more effective as it is not treating something you pretend but the real problem

If you say to her "you do not have my permission to say anything to my mother" then she is obliged to remain silent. In a life-threatening  emergency that might be a different case, however being honest with your psych should not be regarded as an emergency, after all you have been living with all these horrible things, it is simply now they are in the open wiht her.

As I said, like you I find being on a psych ward has its down-sides but overall does me  lot of good. I remember this ward was on the 4th floor and I'd look out a window that opened just a crack down to sets of bushes wiht birds flying between them, then looking over to the street and seeing people way down htere getting on wiht thier individual busy lives. It was so peaceful not to have to deal wiht them.

Although it might create friction with your mother do you think being open wiht your  psych and maybe having respite in a psych ward now and again might be worth it?

Incidentally is your dad someone you can talk to?

Croix

[Tiah_]

With my best friend, she's always been there for me. She's supported me at times where I was wrong. She's not an affectionate person, but she's held me at times where I've broken down and just needed a shoulder to cry on. 

Hearing that my therapist can't tell my mother anything I don't consent to (emergencies excluded of course) is greatly comforting. I feel like I will be able to be more honest wth her moving forward. 

I totally see where you're coming from with the whole gazing down at people living their own lives thing. In my experiences, it felt so good to disconnect myself from people for a while. It gives me time to think, which is dangerous but can be very peaceful at times. It's hard to describe exactly why psych wards help me as much as they do.

Yes, it would definitely create conflict with my mother, but possibly going back to psych is not off the table for me. In fact, I think I would highly benefit from it. I do worry though. As people who have been in the mental health system for a while, we both know that they avoid hospitalisation, which for me can be frustrating. I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to get admitted so that I can get attention or whatever, it just worries me that my therapist might not see it the way that I do. I don't want to come across as a 'pick me, choose me, love me' kinda girl. 

My father is not someone I can talk to. Things with him didn't end well and now we don't really have a relationship anymore.