"Hangover" after Suicidal Thoughts

[ImaMommy]

I have recently been feeling really deep, sad and suicidal thoughts. Thoughts, I had never experienced before. I feel like I have managed to feel more like myself after a week of crying however I feel like my tolerance for nonsense has lessened. Not in a negative way so much but I miss being nonchalant and focused on the positive. I feel like I have been traumatised by my thoughts. 

I am safe today and have wonderful support. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar?

With love 🙏🏽

Thank you 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Sad to here about your thoughts and I can relate. Ive got a family that's been hurt by suicides and attempts including myself.

Im 70yo now and due to my lived experience  ive become much wiser about the symptoms, the traps and why motivation sometimes won't work.

In my 20"s prior to any mental health diagnosis,  I became extremely motivated and positive after a light bulb moment at a motivation lecture. I broke through any negativities of my family. But, often a cycle of sadness and depression gripped me whereby no positive thinking could stop. It was caused by the later diagnosis of bipolar, depression,  dysthymia and anxiety.  Im likely also under the autistic spectrum. 

So, what ended up as the best action to do with any cycle like that? How do you survive?

1. Visit your GP and pursue any referrals,  diagnosis and medications 

2. Accept yourself including your quirks, personality and faults. Learn to like yourself

3. Convince yourself that bad days come and go. During that period its counter productive to fight it or try to motivate yourself ... wait until you begin to feel better then do so.

4. Identify anything or anyone that is a burden to you

5. Reshape your life By removing toxic people and planning your future eg financial improvements. Goals are good.

6. Hobbies and sports are valuable

7. Distractions are beneficial when intrusive thoughts begin. 

8. Career and employment- reconsider every aspect of your life to eliminate suppression of happiness.

I hope that helps.

If you want tell us what you think.

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi ImaMommy

I feel for you so much as you try to make greater sense of an incredibly challenging time in your life that has left you questioning so much. The quest to better understand ourself comes with many questions. 

Personally, I'm a 55yo gal who cycles through periods of depression. Took me a heck of a long time (some decades) to finally wake up to the fact that I cycle up, to greater levels of awareness or consciousness and self understanding. I used to think 'What's wrong with me? Why can I not stop becoming depressed?', until I came to realise the cycle repeats in exactly the same fashion every time. While the emotions and challenges may differ to some degree, it goes a little like this

• I begin to struggle with a certain aspect or certain aspects of life
• I then start to head down into a depression, where my feelings and thoughts begin to take a noticeable turn
• I then meet with the deepest part of the depression. Here, there can be many tears, a lot of self chastisement, a sense of hopelessness, incredibly challenging inner dialogue and many more things along those lines
• Now, the cycle begins to take an up turn, as a variety of things begin to come to light. At this point, I may become intolerant and even angry in some cases
• As I begin to fully wake up to things that I've been tolerating (angering things which I shouldn't be tolerating) or things that have been depressing, before they became obviously depressing, I hit on significant revelations. I come to understand what the cycle has been about before returning to some state of ease 

When I say things return to some state of ease, it's not always a complete sense of ease. What tends to happen is...a new challenge arises. How am I going to now manage what I shouldn't be tolerating, that which I've always pushed myself to tolerate in the past? Whether that involves another person's behaviour, a situation or set of conditions, a certain environment, a particular belief system I have that's gotta go or it's something else, how am I going to now manage what's now come to light? 

Something else I've found and I'm no sure if this will be of any help to know but I'll put it out there just in case: Every time I come out of a cycle, I find some new part of me has come to life. If we've been tolerating a deeply depressing or almost soul destroying lack of adventure, the adventurer in us may be brought to life through our revelations. If we've been tolerating a depressing level of criticism and judgement from others, an incredibly intolerant and upstanding part of us may come to life. If we've been tolerating a depressing lack of guidance which has led us to and left us in the darkest parts of depression on our life's path, the sage in us may begin to come to life (while we begin to ask the deeper questions). In the darkest of times, there may be some part of us that is champing at the bit to come to life or come to light. Of course, it doesn't necessarily feel like something's coming to light when we're in the dark.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ImaMommy,

I am just wondering if you are entering perimenopause? Some people who have never experienced depression or suicidal thoughts before start to do so for the first time in perimenopause because of the way increasingly erratic fluctuating hormones affect the brain.

Before perimenopause I had experienced some suicidality due to chronic pain and trauma issues. However, in perimenopause it was suddenly through the roof and something totally different. The thoughts were especially dark, relentless and out of control. I started on hormone medication which led to a rapid improvement. I was on a cyclical regime (where one hormone is dropped fortnightly). The cyclical regime was too destabilising and sent me backwards so I went onto what is called a 25/3 regime for that hormone and now take it continuously along with the other one. I later had to come off the hormone medication because of histamine intolerance issues but those issues have now subsided and I'm back on it. It's given me my life back and my mental health would be in a much worse place without it.

This may not be what is affecting you at all, so please ignore this info if it's not relevant. However, if you are entering perimenopause and also have not had these feelings before, it may be worth looking into. A helpful resource is Dr Louise Newson's podcast which covers many issues related to perimenopause and menopause including mental health and suicidality. There is also an app she has developed called the Balance app which includes an online community where people share their experiences. Feeling like you have less tolerance for nonsense is something so many women typically describe in perimenopause, like things you either put up with or felt ok about before you just suddenly don't anymore.

I go to a hormone specialist doctor at a clinic set up especially for menopause/perimenopause. She is very good and understands very well the associated mental health presentations that often happen. There are some regular GPs that also specialise in these hormonal issues. Some other GPs are poorly informed though and also behind the times with the latest knowledge on hormone medications. So if it is a hormonal issue for you, finding someone with up-to-date knowledge in that area could be helpful.

In any case, I'm glad you have wonderful support. Remember to reach out for support whenever you need to and that helplines are available too.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray