I am losing my battle to my mental health

[Guest_88424249]

I am losing the battle to my mental health in silence. Today I was at the back of the bus feeling so, so incredibly empty, my depression drowning me. Tears poured down my face in silence as I begged one of the strangers in front of me to turn back and ask if I was okay. I am part of the mental health crisis. No one in my life cares. Not my family. I don't have any friends. I am all alone. Truly. No one ever checks up on me. I am just another random saved contact on people's phones. I don't matter to anyone. 

I just want to go to Europe, lay in a field of flowers, and never wake up. I want to disappear. The pain to stop. Ive never truly been ok. I cry almost everyday. Ive struggled with major depression and anxiety since 13 years old. My existence is just carrying this mental illness, suffering, and trying to make it through not even the next day, or hour, but next minute. Ive not been happy for a very long time. I have not felt myself for a very long time. I dont even know what the aforementioned means - feeling like yourself. 

The moment you're born you're expected to want to live. To want to have goals. To want to make yourself something in this world. What about the outliers? What about those who naturally don't? What about those like me who truly wish on a star they were never born in the first place? I sadly had no choice in my existence and here I am to carry the burden of myself. I understand and do not blame people who end their lives honestly. I blame and chastise society and those who never check up on them then when they hear the news say hypocritically, "Oh if only they had reached out to me I would have stopped what I was doing to help them."

Well here I am writing this. Never written on a forum. I cant deal with this anymore. I cant do this. I am slipping away each second. These are my honest thoughts. 

[Guest_38066330]

Hi there,

I’ve never written on a forum either. I thought about how I could disappear from this world a few times today, but I couldn’t quite figure out how to do it without creating a fuss, (besides your wish upon a star you mentioned). So lately I’ve just settled for just withdrawing my self as much as socially acceptable and hardening up my heart as much as possible. I figure the less of me and my emotions I put out to people, the less opportunity I have to burden them or hurt them, which I feel I do a lot. But as much as I’ve been trying to turn myself to stone - reading your journey has made my heart bleed. I can’t change anything for you sorry, but just know that even though the stranger on the bus didn’t turn around to ask if you are okay, a stranger writing her first post on a forum is hoping your okay or will be sometime sooner than later. If that makes any sense sorry. 

[therising]

An incredibly warm welcome to you at what sounds like such a torturous time in your life. I feel for you so much.

There are definitely times in life when so many of the deeper questions start to demand answers. Some of those questions I've been able to relate to have included

• Why am I here? What am I meant to be doing (other than suffering)?
• What's the point of this life, what's my purpose?
• How am I meant to live if I don't know how to do it?

and the list goes on. While they can be deeply depressing questions at times (depending on the answer), they can also be deeply philosophical questions and even soulful ones. Without fellow philosophers or soulful people to explore them with us, we can be left asking them alone. Personally, I've found that's the toughest part, when no one's wondering with us, leading us to to any sense of answer/solution or vision.

I've found 'feeling like myself' comes down to gaining a better sense of who I really am. Am I someone who develops in greater or easier ways with guides of sorts? Yes. There are some things that are impossible to achieve and navigate alone. Am I someone who is able to sense what can be depressing? Absolutely. On the spectrum of feeling or sensing, I'm familiar with one extreme right through to the other. Btw, feeling stuck at one extreme long term can feel brutal, soul destroying and exhausting. Been there, done that. Am I someone who knows how it feels to being flying blind through life, winging it, with no sense of direction at times? Definitely. I think all this is about gradually waking up to who we really are or naturally are, bit by bit. To say it's not easy to 'wake up' or become more conscious would have to be an understatement. While on occasion it can feel joyful or like a relief, at other times it can feel like a form of torture, it can feel depressing (in the lead up to certain revelations) and it can feel incredibly lonely when we're waking up or trying to wake up to a whole variety of things on our own. 

I'm glad you came here to share your your thoughts, your feelings, your heartache, your sense of desperation and your longing for a difference. I hear you and I feel for you.