Hi, welcome
I will try to help. We have members here with their mental health issues and community champions also with the same but with lived experience that like me, try to reach out with some ideas that can help you along this sad path you find yourself in.
So, briefly, I'm 70yo, spent my life in security work, Airforce, warder etc. But as it turned out went from job to job and had high emotions, eventually diagnosed bipolar, dysthymia and likely autism high functioning plus anxiety etc. It's relevant to mention I split from my 1st wife after 11 years when we had two girls 7 and 4yo. I had visiting rights until the youngest was 18yo. So I do know the pain or separation from ones children and the loss of full time parenthood.
So what got me through those lonely nights alone missing my children? Well I had a suicide attempt just prior to leaving her and had a few minor self harm episodes then it dawned on me... can I save myself for my kids sake? I thought - "what is the worst case scenario for me? I realised then that if for some reason my ex wife made up stories and I no longer was allowed to see my children at all I would wait until the day came when my kids were old enough to visit by themselves, I would effectively be delaying being a father for many years but one day I'd be a father again... until my last breath. So I had a plan.
As it turned out as mean as my ex was I continued with the visits. When my eldest got to 12yo she came to live with me. Her mother never forgave her as if her motherhood was more important than my fatherhood. My now wife is her "mum" and my daughter hasnt seen her borth mother for 18 years.
So what does this mean for you? 1/ that I suggest that no matter what you try to become as stable as you can and acting normal wont be easy so just try to make some improvements in that regard. 2/ No matter what dont give up seeing your children even if it takes many years. Its very painful but never give up. 3/ seek legal advice through family lawyer to attempt to get supervised visits. If that is approved you'll at least see your kids maybe in a park with a neutral person supervising. Or you might be approved to talk to them by phone4/ keep all mental health documents in particular those that show how you've improved with your stability and response to treatment. This might help you in an application to court for supervised visits. 5/ keep busy, so busy you'll collapse in bed and sleep like a baby. It might mean lots of exercise or activity. I found this worked when I built my own house I was exhausted so much so I thought less about the situation. 6/ Always send birthday cards or letters to your kids. But remember they could be stopped, that is out of your control so ignore that if it happens. You can always tell your kids one day that you wrote to them. Put a return stamped envelop in the letters so they can draw pictures and put them in the post box themselves.
I hope that works for you. You have no other option but to be brave and one day all this will be over when your child reaches 18yo or sooner. Those years go fast, in the blink of an eye.
Reply anytime, I'm here daily
TonyWK
