Over it all all too much

[ktac1689]

I am in such a bad place right now, I know you are not a crisis service and not expecting crisis support. But I am done.

I was going to end my life last week. Stupidly told my therapist when she texted me that morning that I was going to do that. The day ended with me taken to hospital by police and undergoing assessment. I was scheduled but luckily managed to convince someone the next day that I was no longer feeling that way and was allowed to leave with follow up. I should have not have told my therapist what I was going to do. Then police etc would not have known and been chasing me.

I talked to lifeline last night and told them about recent events and plans I have. Thankfully not completely immanent or they would have called police too! But no more police, no more hospital and no more anything. I am tired of putting people through all this and just want to get it all over with. This has been dragging on for so so long and I am tired.

[ktac1689]

Hello,

I want to share some things with you all, if you don’t like that feel free to scroll on. 🤷‍♀️ I will be careful not to write anything that might trigger or upset others also.

I was until not that long ago resilient and able to withstand life’s problems, I have dealt with stuff on my own with fairly limited support since I was a child as my parents were never there for me or my siblings. Lucky we had a few good people who were there for us although my parents never let us be as close to them as we would have liked. Losing two treasured family members last year hurt beyond belief.

I have as an adult withstood many many storms and came out still fighting, I always thought I was strong and could do it all. And I did! For a long long time. I mean I never thought I was good enough at anything but I managed to get through. I brought up 3 kids on my own even my daughter through her awful teenage years! Through my older son’s battles with anxiety and depression when he was a teenager. And now through my lovely youngest’s teenage years.

But the last year has worn me down and I don’t know why it has affected me so much! I have moved house before, lived rurally before and had work challenges same as anyone else. I faced challenges head on and found solutions.

Now though I often feel I am at my absolute limit and finding it really difficult to cope. I suppose everyone has their point where their mind says enough. I am not saying that to get sympathy or to get people feeling sorry for me as I hate that. If I say something, if I open up like I have here it is simply to share these facts with you so you know me a little better. I am not looking for you to fix things or fix me. Now that would be impossible!!

To anybody I have annoyed or upset here I am sorry. I have really been trying to hold it all together. Thank you to everyone here for your support I appreciate it.

[Croix]

Dear ktac168~

You have not annoyed or upset anyone with your posts. Nobody likes to read of another having a hard time, but that is OK, it give an opportunity to empathize and help (both necessary human needs). More important is the fact you get the change to talk, explain, vent and generally put thievery down on paper - a process that helps me, so I'd expect it helps others too, It makes you feel less isolated in this world when you hear from others who care.

We may not all be greatly skilled in making you feel better, so you'll get no instant jolt of 'wellenss' but the intent and good will is very much there and will percolate though. Even Sumo cat was moved to change from one blanket to the other (a major upheaval for him).

You have your offspring (and cats) and like may have found the teenage years can be difficult all round. No surprise, but there is an up-side. If you can maintain some sort of relationship past that time and show understanding -maybe from your own younger years - then you have set the groundwork for their adulthood.

This does not just mean moving away, getting job, boy/girl friend, marriage and kids, but an adult with whom you can discuss your and their welfare seriously with some hope of mutual understanding, perhaps even a willingness to help

Do you think that might be the case here? Hearing gossip from your brother is not pleasant, and one has to remind oneself it is gossip and based upon lack of understanding, probably not malice. Same with your sister I expect.

With your kids as their share of responsibility grows you may find support - I hope you do. Having kids should be a two way street, not just all giving.

Waiting on employment is horrible and I've said so before. Please treat each day as fresh, and always have a large portion of the day devoted to things you (and hopefully your kids) enjoy. You need to train yourself into believing you are a person well worth enjoyment and treats -which you are.

One of my favorite thoughts is "I've been here before and survived", it applies to suicidal thoughts, horrible circumstances, to dealing with difficult people, dealing with your own deep worries. It gives me a smattering of courage and hope.

I may be wrong about your kids, but coming from you I'd expect the same qualities of resilience in inside them too, also love and and a fondness for felines.

It will work out Ktac, in some ways I've traveled a similar path and and now find life can get stable and good.

Croix

[ktac1689]

Thank you Croix,

I agree putting things down on paper helps a lot. You made me smile mentioning Sumo’s move from one blanket to another! And I really really really needed that.

Thank you for your kind words. My kids are doing ok, although the youngest needs some serious guidance. They really are great people but I worry I have screwed them up. My employment situation is still ongoing, still waiting, no rush with this organisation. I know I have survived everything in my life so far. Occasionally telling myself that actually does help. Thank you, you are awesome.

I feel so unbelievably lost right now though. Empty too. Sad. Don’t want to be here. I don’t want to say too much here as I do not want to upset you or anyone else reading this.

I hope you and Sumo are well.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ktac,

Thanks for reaching out to the community today. We're sorry to hear how difficult your employment situation still is. It's good to hear that you acknowledge how much you have survived thus far. We think you are really stong.

We can hear that you're feeling lost and tired right now. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

If at any time you become an immediate danger to yourself, please remember to always contact 000 (triple zero).

Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you're feeling up to it. We hope you can find something to bring yourself some comfort this afternoon, whether that's in watching a movie you love or taking a bath or long shower.

[ktac1689]

Thank you,

I feel that the sheer length of the uncertainty around my employment is really a big hindrance to ever getting well. I am in limbo and have been for months. I have looked at other positions but given my recent battles with mental health I worry I am wasting my time applying. Yes discrimination is illegal but proving it is the hard part. I feel to have a definite outcome would give assurance whether that outcome be good or bad. Without it I feel I am slowly crumbling away.

Thank you for saying I am strong, I really don’t feel it especially lately. I am only strong though because I have really had to be all my life. I have never really had anyone totally in my corner looking after me.

This afternoon I slept. I feel numb and that sadly life sucks. Sorry that is my opinion. I really wish I was not here.

[Croix]

Dear ktac1689~

Sumo cat has retired to (his) bed, one in which Mrs C and I allowed to scrunch up so he is not disturbed. Actually Sumo only acquired his name in recent years. When he first came to us his name was something else. If you would like to read of his arrival and transformation have a look here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qltLoXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

It is in a thread

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-

I have where anyone can record their happy memories, everyone has some even if they are fleeting, or just about impossible to remember. The idea is that it gives both the writer and all the rest who read it a moment's respite from the grimmer part of the life they are leading

In time you might like to jot something down yourself, no pressure, and no prizes for spelling etc:)

I think, looking at my self, that I've been a-sea, hopeless and nothing I can do when I have had to much on that part of my brain for too long. The part that deals with life and makes decisions. It magnifies any mistakes and diminishes self worth and self vale to virtually nothing. I suspect which is why you worry about how you brought up your kids, you did good, giving them a secure home with love and protection- NOBODY can do more.

Frankly all the material things don't really matter nearly so much if there is that foundation there.

Life will keep on throwing things at you so there has to be a way around it. To cope can come not only from handling something in the past ("I've been here before and survived") but also from the part of the brain that will absorb the things one likes and is distracted by. This gives more strenght to cope, dunno why.

One time I was in hospital and was not doing well, I'd come in suicidal and the other patients plus surroundings has made me worse. On kind nurse went home and brought me back adolescents' fantasies, a whole heap -his own books.

I managed to get enough concentration to read, and from then on was able to retreat when necessary and return a little more refreshed.

It made all the difference, I was then able to take advantage of being on the ward away from ordinary life and the stay did me good.

So I'd say your reading can help you, it is not time stolen from others or being selfish, it is food for your soul.

Do any of your kids read?

Croix

[ktac1689]

Hi Croix,

Two of my kids like to read and I agree reading is food for the soul. Luckily the two times I was in hospital and couldn’t have my phone there were books. Not so many at the first but enough to keep the boredom and fear and uncertainty at bay.

I agree I have survived all my days so far, sadly though I think many of those days were about basic survival. I will definitely read your thread about Sumo thank you. He is awesome.

I agree writing about feelings is a good thing to do, thank you. I write quite a lot in various platforms which is sometimes helpful.

I don’t think I fit in anywhere though in this world, I don’t feel that anyone really wants me in their life. I have always felt this way. That’s probably why I like reading so much because I don’t have to interact with other people then and I can escape to other places through the books.

Tonight I feel very down which came almost out of the blue as the last couple of days haven’t been too bad. The down times are so bad and when I am in those times I just want

[Croix]

Dear Ktac1689~

Maybe I should stop being so formal and call you just Ktac, the number is a bit depersonalizing I feel.

It's a fair few hours since your last post and I'm hoping that real down episode has started to lift.

Kids are a two way street, can you ring eihter of your two eldest and simply say I'd like to talk, it will give me a lift? No need for details, but if they know there is a need they may well make the effort. They do not have to say anything profound, simply let you know by word or deed they care.

My offspring for many years connected me when down, I never said much of worth, more listened. If I got the chance I"d try to have a joke to pop in. Frankly I felt useless at the tme but was later told that was all that held the offspring together.

I'd like to point out something from that. You don't really know how much you are needed and are important in the lives of others. Often nothing is ever said, but being the foundation is necessary, I'm sure you are loved.

Yes books do give you retreat, and can be a way of life, however it is good to step outside when you can. You have a pretty good mind and I suspect if you thought about it might well come up with ways of having contact with others. Some will wither on the vine, others into uncharted territory. Hard to start thinking in those terms when down, perhaps a set of plans and maybe even actions when the down lifts -as it will.

Your youngest may be a source of new adventure.

Sumo is not over-adventurous, he has this rout around the perimeter of our garden and one neighbor's too, but goes no further. He did have a fight with a black cat from up the street , maybe that is why he is content with his territory and does not look further.

Actually he was lucky, his coat is so thick we did not notice a wound, but took him to the vet anyway just to be sure, and there it was, a couple of punctures . A few antibiotics and no harm done. He did not seem concerned about anything during the whole episode. I've no idea how the other cat fared.

Some days are basic survival, it happens and you have had the resources inside you to survive them, as apparently do I.

Croix