Over it all all too much

[ktac1689]

I am in such a bad place right now, I know you are not a crisis service and not expecting crisis support. But I am done.

I was going to end my life last week. Stupidly told my therapist when she texted me that morning that I was going to do that. The day ended with me taken to hospital by police and undergoing assessment. I was scheduled but luckily managed to convince someone the next day that I was no longer feeling that way and was allowed to leave with follow up. I should have not have told my therapist what I was going to do. Then police etc would not have known and been chasing me.

I talked to lifeline last night and told them about recent events and plans I have. Thankfully not completely immanent or they would have called police too! But no more police, no more hospital and no more anything. I am tired of putting people through all this and just want to get it all over with. This has been dragging on for so so long and I am tired.

[ktac1689]

Thank you Sleepy21,

Sorry to hear you have been back recently too and that it was not good. Staff were pretty good where I was although I really didn’t like one of the doctors much.

Really feeling down tonight, so sick of all of this and just want it all to be over. Thank you for caring, it means a lot.

[Guest_1643]

hey ktac - write any time. You are in a non-judgemental space and an open one - where you can just be where ur at.
I'm glad the staff were pretty good -that makes a big difference. Sometimes they can inspire hope.

Don't worry about taking time a bit away from your sister. I'm sure ull call her when ur ready. Hpe u can enjoy some time with ur sons. Here to listen and support any time. I think it can be very hard when u discharge especially if it wasn't so good - but thats a good sign that u have ur sons and also that you were picked up from the hospital. They must really care about u.

[ktac1689]

I had an appointment with community mental health today which was essentially just a follow up since I have not long been released from hospital. It consisted of a quick history and her asking what I wanted them to do for me and advised I can call them in a crisis. I felt it was a complete waste of time and I would be unlikely to contact them if in crisis.
I really wish I wasn’t here and that I had never been born. I am going through the motions but have no faith in anything getting better.

[ktac1689]

Hi again.
Seriously 2020 is the gift that keeps on giving. I am still on sick leave with no clear timeline to return. No pay. I keep getting conflicting information. I feel I am a failure because of my mh issues. I really am tired of fighting and really am ready to just give up.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ktac, thanks for reaching out to the forums today. We're sorry to hear how difficult work is being at the moment. We acknowledge how frustrating and stressful it must be to have no clear timeline on when you will return. We think you are stong for taking time from work to look after yourself. We want you to know that you are valuable for more than your work output, and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
 

[ktac1689]

Thank you,

I made it to Christmas and tomorrow is the last of the family things. It has been lovely to see them all even though there had to be a few different meetings as there is so much friction between family members.
I have received some updates about work but still feel very unsure and really the only thing that will put me at ease is when things are clear. I really wish that none of this was happening and that I had been successful earlier in the year.
Don’t get me wrong I am happy I was here for Christmas and had time with everyone. I just don’t feel hopeful though, feel numb although I put on a happy face to the world. I don’t want them to know that I am ‘still’ in the dark hole and still am ready to give up. I feel like such a hypocrite.

[ktac1689]

I need to vent. Now that Christmas is over I feel somewhat deflated. I met my brother and he told me that some things have been said about me and my mental health issues. This I didn’t have an issue with but, as is usual with gossip, some of it was untrue and hurtful. My mother as usual acts like a victim as I haven’t talked to her but honestly why would I open up to her when she can’t be bothered with me.
I feel alone and that I can’t open up to anyone. I am so anxious about what is going to happen with work and whether I have any sort of future. I don’t feel that anyone understands how I feel. Even my GP doesn’t get it. I don’t want to do it anymore. I have had enough. I really don’t think anyone would miss me if I wasn’t around.
Anyway enough ranting from me, thank you anyone who has read through to the end.

[ktac1689]

I really am not sure why I keep posting here as I don’t feel anyone is listening to me anyway.
I feel so down right now and so tired of trying. I got to 2021 which I was not sure I would. Since Christmas it is like a huge black cloud has descended on me and I can’t get out from under it. My mood is getting darker and darker, yay. I just don’t care about anything right now. 
I have some family and friends but I don’t trust easily and I find it very hard to share my feelings with people that I know. Here I find it easier as It is online and in writing. I appreciate that I can reach out to people here and I thank you all for that.

[Croix]

Dear Ktac1689~

It has been a while since I dropped in to see how things were, and I'm dismayed to find that things have not improved as I (and you ) would have liked.

Can I ask first if you made it back to Qld and if you are still there. ? If I remember you wanted to go there but were unable to as you had left your bubble for medical treatment. Were you planning on returning permanently?

With the job it is the waiting, and that is something I still really hate. There is no easy way to short-cut matters. I try to do two thing, and it can help. The first is distraction. I think you liked books and I use them all the time. Fortunately my state library allows books to be downloaded, which is great as I go though them at a fast rate of knots (and could not afford to buy them all, even second hand. )

Actually second hand has another shortcoming, I like series, on the principal if I like No1 then I would like all the rest. Secondhand I'm lucky if I can find the complete series.

The other thing is the free smartphone app Smiling Mind - have I mentioned that one to you before? I have an attention span measured in seconds, and this program keeps on reminding me to keep on track (ie I'm still at beginner level after a couple of years:(.

Amazingly it does the job and takes my mind away from my feelings and worries and leaves me calmer.

I remember you said you love to read too. Do you have any favorites?

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/

I'm writing this during the day, so Sumo cat is sitting on the front step (his usual haunt) observing all that goes on in our front garden, which is a complete jungle. Lots of birds and the occasional other small animal. Sumo just watches, too well fed to be inclined to catch anything.

So how are your three getting along, did you take them with you to Qld?

I'll look in more often now

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Kt~ac1689~

I'm posting rather than just reading, so you know I do pop in, nothing fresh from my end except I've decided eBooks are great for doctor's waiting rooms, places I've been seeing far too much of recently 🙂

Did you get a chance to try Smiling Mind?

Croix