obsessed with psychologist

[Mich87]

I’m 36 years old female, mother to a 3 years old daughter and wife to a good caring husband.

First I entered therapy for anger management and get rid off suicidal thoughts from my mind.

One day I missed my appointment and she rang me. I apologised and I was willing to pay the cancellation fee. But she stated I don’t want to pay if it’s happened again they will charge cancellation fee next time. This is the first day I started to search about her. I just wanted to find who is this good person. I found her and her family on facebook. I spent hours looking at her photos.

Then after I started to develop romantic/erotic thoughts about her. I’m totally obsessed with her. Every single second she Invaded my mind. I couldn’t forget her.I never ever felt about a woman before. I worried about my sexuality.  

I decided to speak with her as I thought she would be understanding and help me to cope with this situation. Instead of helping me she suggested to transfer me to an another psychologist. I didn’t want to lose her, I did my best to control my thoughts. I went to a retreat and started doing meditation and It was helpful to stay in the present moment. Unfortunately I had a car accident. I was so shocked panicked and couldn’t sleep. Then after those thoughts popped up again. I wanted to speak to her but couldn’t get an appointment. Then I sent an email to her asking help. She didn’t reply to my email.

Then after I had a panic attack. I wanted to get suicide. I didn’t want to leave my daughter alone in this world without a mum. I thought if I terminate therapy it would be easier to forget her. So I requested to terminate therapy. Then she rang me again and asked to come for one more session. I was so surprised, I didn’t expect a call from her. I went and when I see her I felt so good and I didn’t want to terminate the therapy. But she wanted to terminate the therapy. She suggested me two places to find another therapist. My whole world collapsed down. I didn’t know how I walked away and drove to home.

Then after she blocked my fb account.

It was so painful and I cried a lot I was out of my mind. I looked for options to get sucide. I started to drink alcohol.

My condition got worse. I felt I was rejected or abounded by the person  I mostly trusted. I really missed her. Her presence always made me happy. Then I started with waiting and watching her as she left her office in the evening. Then following her home. stalking her on the internet., invading her privacy. This eventually consumed my life. One day she caught me when I followed her. Then after I didn’t follow her. I’m afraid to break the law. I’m a good lawful citizen. I was filled with shame.

Then my psychiatrist increased my medication dose . It helped me to settled my depression. I permanently deleted all of my social media accounts. 

We wanted to have an another baby. I spoke to my psychiatrist and requested to reduce the dose and we did.

But now those thoughts are popping up again. I feel again I miss her. It’s extremely painful. I fight with my thoughts. The pressure builds up in my mind drives me in to suicidal ideation. I searched the options in the internet to get sucide.

Can’t I have an another baby? I’m afraid, i will regret in 10 years because of these thoughts I couldn’t have an another child.

I’m afraid,one day my daughter will hates me. She will question why my mum loved her psychologist than me and why she left me and committed suicide .

I’m totally obsessed with my psychologist. I can’t get her out of my head. When I entered therapy I had no idea any of this would happen. It’s so painful,humiliating, disgusting and disappointing. Please somebody help me.Please tell me how to get her out from my head.

Thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Mich87~

I'd like to welcome you here ot the forum. In here are other people who have had hte  same problem, and that's not surprising, in fact it is quite common.

A therapist may be the one person you tell hte most intimate facts to, and if they are skillful will have helped you with the reason you went to them in the first place. 

It is a very small step from such intimacy to treating it as a real relationship. In fact the  harder things were before you met the deeper the feelings can be because htey have offer intimacy and help. You get to not only depend on them but love them too.

Psychologist -and other medical professionals - often have to deal wiht this and yours was professional,  kind and sensible. She saw you one more time and suggested other therapists, then broke off the treatment and contact.

As I'm sure you know it was treatment, a paid relationship, not a true friendship as such. I'm also sure it is hard to accept now it is over.

Although it may not feel the same one of those alternative therapists may be able ot help you, Both with the original problem and also wiht your obsessive thoughts.

I think it is good that the psychiatrist's prescription helped you reduce the thoughts and behavior you had towards the therapist, it shows improvement is possible. As you want another baby I guess gaining the same improvement from therapy instead could be your aim.

The other thing I'd suggest is if you do have another child it may well be that your thoughts and affections are taken up with the new arrival and old thoughts will fade.

You know you are welcome here anytime, if you do come back we could discuss how to deal with suicidal thoughts, very distressing and frightening and something I'm personally familiar with.

Croix

[therising]

Hi Mich87

While I imagine you to be such a deeply feeling person, I wonder whether you can answer 'What do I feel makes someone so incredibly attractive?', from your perspective. If you can name as many factors as possible, would you say she fits the bill when it comes to a lot of those factors?

While the most attractive person we've ever met can be physically attractive in regard to their posture, they way they walk, the way they dress or in the way they smile etc, they may also have mentally attractive features. They may be attractive in regard to their intellect, their philosophies and sense of wonder. And then there are the soulful kinds of factors. Their level of compassion, guidance, inspiration, consciousness, gentleness or peaceful approach can tick just a handful of the many boxes. Do you think figuring out why the attraction's there is something that might help you make better sense of it in order to manage it?

There can be so many triggers that trigger others to feel attractive or beautiful to us and if we can sense a lot of those things (being extra sensitive) it can become challenging in a number of ways. Whether the less obvious stimulants we sense or feel are

• visual (their choice of colour or pattern in the clothes they wear),
• olfactory (their choice of perfume, aftershave or the choice of oil they use in their aromatherapy diffuser),
• audible (the gentle tone of their voice) or
• relating to a sense of touch (their choice of comfortable furniture they offer up to us to sit on),

there can be so many stimulants/triggers. Then there's the sixth sense kind of stuff that we can sense or feel at a deeper level and if we can feel at that level, that soulful kind of stuff can often be the most attractive.

Whether we want those qualities in a partner, in a friend or we'd simply just love to have all those attractive qualities for our self (for them to become a part of our own nature), the need to have such qualities in our life can become obsessive, often because they're the qualities that can bring the most joy and satisfaction. From basic admiration, to deep attraction, to an obsessive compulsive form of attraction (to the degree of causing great disorder in our life and even in the lives of others), attraction comes at many levels, in many forms for many different reasons. A strange question perhaps but would you say this feels more like a soulful kind of attraction?

[Mich87]

therising, Thank you for your reply. Yeah, I feel like I have the soulful kind of attraction (as you describe) towards her. I don’t know why I’m so attached to her. I just went 8 sessions then after we discussed and terminated the treatment in July 2023. But still I can’t get her out from mind. 

I was so emotionally opened up to her and released all of my pressure stuck inside my head. She was incredibly kind and actively listened to me. She did her job. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to give her hard time. She doesn’t deserve it. She is the most kindest person I ever met. I’m trying my best not to disturb to her life. But my impulsive thoughts are so strong and can’t control. 

[Mich87]

Dear Croix, Thank you for your time. I’m happy to discuss how to deal with suicidal thoughts. My only reason to live my daughter. I want to give her good childhood. I’m aware about everything. I know she did her job. But the thing my impulsive thoughts are more powerful and I can’t get her out from my mind. It makes me so distressed and drive me into suicidal thoughts.

[Croix]

Dear Mich87~

I've had planning thoughts and impulsive thoughts and really found the impulsive ones were hte easiest to cope with. True they can come on unexpectedly and when they do fill the mind so proper thinking is impossible.

I found htat inability to think was a real barrier, but started using a smartphone app called Beyond Now, which is free and I've found very effective

You can find how to download it here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

The idea is you fill it up as best you can in advance, then when overwhelmed it is easy to reach for, no decisions necessary.

It is divided into several sections, in 'Reasons to Live' you might like to put in your kids. It's a bit different for myself, it took me 6 months to fill in that line, but in the end I realized what fitted- "You have been here before and survived and things have improved, at least for a while". I find that very comforting, it shows I can cope with it.

I'd say the most important section is "Things I can do by myself" as I find it the most effective. Often by the time I've used at least part of this section the urgency has gone down.

It's a hard one to fill in when down, and if you get the chance get someone to help remind you of things. Things you have enjoyed in the past, things that maybe distracted you and made you forget your feelings for a little while.

You no doubt would have different things to me however listing some of mine might give you the idea. I have to be exact, it is no good saying 'listen to music' as that requires thoght to make a choice, so I have "listen to the Stones 'Paint it Black'". I have 'get outside the  house or room so the walls do not seem to echo back dark thoughts', read a chapter in a book I've enjoyed, talk with a friend (you do not have to give them a reason, just talk about ordinary things), go to a coffee shop, even if alone, a particular comedian on Youtube.... there are umpteen more.

In time you will build up your own library of things

I think if it works for me when highly distressed it may well work for others, including you. The hard part is filling it up and you do not have to do all of it at once.

I hope this helps

Croix