Hello all.
I have noticed that i'm not right at the moment, prob not a moment, it's more like a few years or so. it all starts with one time i had argument with my family member, i was in anger and the rage made me hit the table (i think or something near) the pain brings my feelings back, i was extremely upset and angry but after the pain everything start to feel better. At that time i wasn't aware of the term "self-harm" so it like a prefect treatment for me when i'm feeling down and depressed. and it's gets worst when one time i was crying and self-harmed. It was a really bad start like a pandora's box.
typically i don't have anything big to make me self-harm, because i read about some relating articles, my life was just normal and sometimes quite good, i'm sorry, this sounds that i'm a picky person, but that method seems to be the only treatment i have as i got older, my temper also gets bad in times. Based on my symptoms i thought i could be having bpd or something, but i know i can't just self-diagnosis these just because i have a bad temper. my family is really traditional, they don't want their kid to be mentally ill, and i don't have the money to go up to a mental doctor. I barely have a suicided thoughts but it disappear when i think about everything i've got now. i used to have minor evidence on self-harm on my arms, it's really light so no one ever noticed it, but one time my family member asked what happend and i have to deny nothing but random scratches. than i think it's worse because i start to self-harm on my thigh, and i'm hematophobia so i'm under extreme sad was released by self harm and a strong dizziness.
i won't suicide, i know myself. just wanna find somewhere to share my feelings, i have no friends to share my struggles, they prob think i'm weird, used to a have a friends online that i told about it implicitly, they give me good feedbacks and comforts but i don't wants to keep annoy them with my negative feeling everyday. About the bpd thoughts, i have a bad temper when i was little, i thought it's generally passed down from one of my family member, but for now i'm not too sure about it...i wrote this down because i'm in another extreme emotional downhill, the only thing i can do is self harm and keep crying, really don't know what to do. Thank you if you read my whole complain and emo little paragraph, i will try my best 🙂
