Not coping today

[KindSoul88]

Tw strong suicidal ideation urges and intent

how does one cope with all these things going on at the moment… I have chronic suicidal ideation but today is different. I’ve started having episodes of dissociation and vivid images of what I would do to end my life… it’s that vivid that I seem to feel what I would be feeling whilst I’m doing it… I tried to do some tools I’ve learned so far and nothing seems to work… I’ve tried reaching out to lifeline but couldn’t get thru… im running out of options and it feels like this is the end of me… I can’t handle any of this anymore… it’s hell right now., hence why I kinda thought that the voices are right, why try when I’ll fail anyways. Why try when it was destined for me to end my story my way. Why try when no one wants to help anyways… why try when I’ve been longing for freedom which I’ll get once it’s all over… why try when all your doing is prolonging the pain and suffering I’m feeling… so what to do?.

[Sophie_M]

Hi KindSoul88,

Firstly, we are so grateful you have felt brave enough to share your journey with us, here in the Beyond Blue Community. We know how difficult it can be to discuss and it is so important you have done this today.

We’re also sorry that things have been so difficult for you, and that you've tried to reach out for support but not been able to access it. We are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need, so you've made a really good step in making that call and starting a discussion here.

Our Support Service team will be reaching out to you via email to connect with you, we hope that's ok. If you'd like to reach us directly, we're on 1300 22 4636 or you can reach out online. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Thanks again for opening up here and letting us know what's going on for you. Please check back in and let us know how you’re going when you feel up to it.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[KindSoul88]

I feel like I’m at a losing end of this stick., no matter how hard I try it seems like it doesn’t change anything anyways, I still get stuck in this vicious loop over and over again… the only solution to this is to cave in., it’s  simple and very enticing to do because the end result will be freedom from all the pain and suffering that ive been on for awhile now… just the idea of it now makes me cling more towards to just let everything go and just that leap hoping that it will be the last one… nothings tying me down here so I got nothing to lose really…

[KindSoul88]

Where do I go or seek help from when those I’ve told about my problem and the new issues seems to not see all these the way I do.. it feels like it’s not as bad as I am feeling it., so I dunno what to do or say to put across the severity of the problem… I feel so alone in all these even though I probably got a good enough support workers and mental health professionals around me… I also feel that I’m talking in a different language or my message is not going across to everyone…. What do I need to do to get my message across to someone? Do I then have to engage on the urge and thoughts and let these voices take over me just to get my message across to everyone’s head and for them to see that I’m in a bad place atm? It does feel that everyone just wants me dead than them helping me., all they have to do is tell me if that’s what they as I surely don’t want to live in this world already, it has been for many years…

[KindSoul88]

I’m at a breaking point right now.,I woke up anxious and have this nagging urge to self harm to an extent that I will end my life... im having episodes of dissociation (seeing myself thru someone else’s eyes) I’m afraid that I’ll lose control over my physical self that it might be too late for me to stop myself from acting on the urge., i know I should talk to someone and get help but if you constantly been treated like a piece of crap or no one is taking you serious or they just don’t assess you properly or they see you as someone who is seeking attention, you’ll be reluctant to seek help... it’s still amazing how I can freely write here without judgement... I’m alone at home, sitting with all these thoughts and urges to both self harm and actually end my life... what to do now? I can’t bear this agony I’m In right this moment I’m leaning towards actually just st caving in and hope for the best I guess....

[KindSoul88]

I forced myself to sleep all day just to avoid the intrusive voices and negative feeling. I know it’s not fixing anything but merely avoiding feeling like this… but what can I do to help myself? I feel I’ve done all I could on my end and got nowhere but here…  I need some relief from this pain I’m in… I can tolerate physical pain but the emotional and mental pain are the ones I can’t handle… No one has to live like this.

[therising]

Hi KindSoul88

Hope you're not being too hard on yourself for sleeping through what had become intolerable. I've found sometimes the only things that work aren't ideal but, at the end of the day, they can get us through to find what serves us in more constructive ways.

Being a gal who's managed depression for some years, I've come to see it from a biological, psychological and natural or soulful angle. Having faced long term depression from late teens through to 35 and bouts of depression from 35 to now 52, there has always been good reason for each depression. Managed to also make sense of why nothing worked at times...

Physically/biologically, if you don't have the kind of chemical energy being processed in the body that leads you to feel connected to life, it can be depressing. Doesn't matter how much you may try to change the way you think or how hard you try to find motivation, relying on energy's that just not there is challenging. Can tell you the lack of chemical energy that results from depressing levels of sleep apnea or b12 deficiency is brutal. The inner dialogue makes it worse, 'You're so lazy. What good are you to anyone? You're hopeless' etc.

Mentally, inner dialogue's definitely a form of torture at times. If nothing or no one can lead me to an altered perception beyond the kind of dialogue that dictates 'There's no point in you being here, you're a waste of space who's destined to suffer forever', that's the mindset I'll stay in until something or someone leads me out, typically through some mind altering revelation.

Naturally, if no one is leading me when I seriously need a guide and if I'm getting zero highs in life and/or if what I'm facing is naturally depressing, I'll feel it all. Naturally, I'm a feeler who doesn't just feel the highs but the overwhelming lows too. Can feel my internal dialogue, people's impact on me, when I'm functioning in 'flat battery' mode etc. Felt the horrible depressing quest for the right anti depressant in my earlier years. Can feel when people tell me to stop analysing (the hell out of life), instead of them sitting with me, helping me find some heavenly revelation/s.

[KindSoul88]

I’ve had it! … saw dad today, instead of him being happy to see me instead he’s disappointed… everywhere I look I only see disappointments into their eyes… im such a failure even I would be disappointed at me too. I’m tired of getting some hope up just for them to crush it… … I can’t honestly be in this loop over and over again… Coz I’m done trying I’m done hoping and I’m done disappointing everyone…

[Eagle Ray]

Hi KindSoul88

I relate to what you describe as I’ve been struggling with similar feelings, including dissociation and suicidal ideation. One way of looking at it is understanding that it can feel comforting almost as an option when we’ve just had to deal with too much struggle, but often it’s not so much wanting to die, but just not suffer and struggle anymore. When in the midst of it it can be so hard to see any way out.

But knowing that life is in flux and things pass over time can help. Sometimes distraction can help, doing something we enjoyed in the past, such as rewatching a favourite tv series or spending time in nature. Sometimes it’s trying to remember those things that we have found comfort in previously. But I know it can feel hard to do this.

Only yesterday I was in a really bad way, but I had some positive interactions today that lifted me. It’s somehow knowing that you can feel uplifted again, as hard as that might be to see at the moment. Remember it is like being stuck in the moment, by that moment is not the whole of you and your life. It’s what you’re going through right now but things can and do change.

It’s great you have the courage to communicate here. Sometimes it can feel that we are disappointing loved ones. This may or not be the case as often when we are feeling at our most vulnerable we can feel like we’re letting others down. But they may also be worried or have their own issues they’re struggling with which may make it harder for them to know how to be present with you. If you are not feeling supported by family it’s important to reach out, and sharing here or contacting the Beyond Blue helpline mentioned above or Lifeline can be a way of feeling less isolated. If you call and don’t gel with the first person you speak with you can always call back again. I did that one time and spoke to exactly the right person on my second go and it really calmed me when I was feeling desperate.

 I recently got the BB safety plan app too which, when I remember to look at it, helps to remind me of the things I can do to help myself and the people I can engage with if I need support, as well as my reasons for wanting to live and the things I care about.

With a name like KindSoul there is obviously a lot of good in you. You and your life are worth taking care of. Sending you kindness and support.

[therising]

Hi KindSoul88

I can't help but wonder whether you're experiencing something that feels a little like an observer effect. It's kind of like waking up to observe your experiences from a different perspective. Say I have a sage in me, a people pleaser in me, an adventurer in me, a warrior princess in me who takes no prisoners etc etc. I also have an observer in me that observes how all those aspects of me behave and how life around me plays out in relation to them. For example, I could be pleasing people all the time through either serving them and/or simply not rocking the boat. The observer in me, offering me an outside looking in kind of view, led me to see how depressing things can get when I'm in constant people pleaser mode with few to no people serving me in some way. It was a shocking and depressing yet deeply revealing perspective. As a consequence, this seriously triggered the warrior princess in me to come to life. This part of me sounds less like 'You're not doing enough to please people. You're a horrible person and a failure of a human being' and more like 'A lot of the people around you need to get their s*** together and stop serving themselves so much. They need to pull their head out of their rear end and practice compassion and service to others, yourself included!'. The warrior princess in me can be highly intolerant and occasionally fueled by sheer fury when she comes to life 😊. This aspect is a fierce upstanding protector of the heart that can dictate in one way or another 'Don't worry sweetie, no heartbreak for you here. I'll handle this person'.

If the observer in you is possibly coming to life, what are you observing? Are you possibly observing how hard you try while also observing others not trying hard enough?