My story

[Haggard]

To introduce myself simply I am a male high school student approaching my final year.

Since the age of roughly 7 I have felt like my life worthless. I’ve never had a defining trait aside from being the person there to fill in space, one of my biggest grievances is that I lack hope. I don’t expect to own a house nor do I expect to have kids, get in a romantic relationship, find a job, find a hobby, or even simply feel content. This doesn’t mean I do not want these things it is just the fact that these things will likely never happen.

I’ve struggled with self harm through my life even at that young age, I struggle to manage my frustration, I struggle to get tears out when I’m feeling down, I struggle to find the good inside myself when I can see it in others, I struggle to take criticism, I struggle to take compliments. This is just the tip of the iceberg that makes up me as a person.

To me self harm can range from things like substances, self-injury, isolation/‘bed rotting’, repeating self deprecating thoughts, etc. yes I’ve done it all but yet I find myself too scared to take my life. 
 

my home life I wouldn’t call rough, yes we’ve had plenty of problems which I won’t go into but the stage my home life is at now would be considered good in comparison to some of the stories I’ve heard and seen.

i don’t have a clear understanding or grasp of what is exactly causing this, i just think it’s me.

To finish off I will list a range of things I feel and do on a daily basis so whoever willingly reads this may get a grasp on how I feel and who I am. Restlessness, Depression, Anxiety, Paranoia, Stress, Hopelessness, Constant feeling of choking, Lack of appetite, inability to speak, self isolation, poor memory, fatigue, self deprecation.

[Picture]

Sorry you are having such a difficult time Haggard. I think it is important you see a GP to discuss medication and counseling. Medication can make such a huge difference to some people. If you are feeling like you need to talk urgently the crisis lines are helpful. Can you raise going to the gp with your parents? If not, could you see a school nurse or psychologist about the issue and have them raise it with your parents? 
It is possible to feel better than what you do now. I think it is important to get the ball rolling to get you the support you need (I acknowledge this is not easy when you feel so down). There is hope for a better tomorrow 

[therising]

The warmest of welcome to you at a time in your life that sounds so full of torment and self questioning. 

I'm a gal who's definitely a self questioner and have been for decades. While initially this trait was depressing (based on me asking a lot of the wrong questions), over the years I've come to see it as being on some monumental quest to better understand myself. All great quests come with a heck of a lot of questioning. Some of the questions can be along the lines of 

• Why am I here?
• Why do I suffer so much at times?
• Why can't I work myself out?
• Why do I feel the way I do?
• Who the hell am I, really? or Who am I, naturally?

and on it goes.

Not sure whether you can relate but I believe one of the biggest challenges we can face in life is not knowing how to feel or how to sense? When I say 'how to sense', what I mean is if we're a sensitive person (with the ability to sense), who shows us how to develop and use this ability. At times we can have a little of it but just not enough or not as much as we'd like. Kinda like 'I get a sense I'm feeling completely lost in life but I can't gain a sense of direction or a sense of why I'm suffering so much'. 

While great guides can help us 'come to our senses', they can also act as leaders in the way of leading us through visions that can greatly serve us. We could have the most brilliant imagination but if no one's leading us to see what we need to see through it, we're not necessarily going to see anything. So, no vision/s. No visions leading us to feel or sense hope, no visions leading us to feel or sense the way ahead, no visions leading us to make sense of the struggles we're facing and so on. The key question becomes 'When I can't see and I don't know how to feel or sense, who are my guides in life who are going to lead me to become more able in these specific areas?'. There have definitely been times in my life where I've hit on the revelation 'Oh my god, I have no significant guides or leaders in my life right now. No wonder I'm struggling'. 

With the self harm factors you mention, I can relate. Took me decades to finally work out what all that was about for me personally. Looking back, I could say 'I didn't know how to feel, so I felt through alcohol. I didn't know how to feel, so I felt through self injury. I didn't know how to feel, so I felt through self isolation'. While I've always been able to feel through thought and inner dialogue especially, managing inner dialogue requires next level ability. It's one thing to hear our inner critic's brutal nature, it's another to get it to shut the hell up.😊

By the sound of it, you have a lot of incredibly natural abilities or you could say super natural. While you mention you come from a good home, I question whether it was one that helped you develop your natural abilities or perhaps left you to work them out for yourself. You have the ability to hear what comes to mind, see what comes to mind and feel what comes to mind, just to name a few. I suppose the question becomes 'Do you want to become a master of these abilities or suffer through a lack of self mastery?'. Btw, would you say a depressing level of a lack of energy would be one of the most challenging things to be feeling?