In a psych ward for nearly 4 weeks but still suicidal

[Guest_07187260]

Came in to private mental health ward after an attempt.

Been doing the program they have in this place which isn’t amazing (compared to others I’ve done) but my meds seem to be having an small/average impact.

Family supportive. Gf being a patient saint.

but my brain just ideates incessantly on some days and I feel incapable of connecting with people in here. That so many people are coming in and feeling better, laughing and connecting makes me feel worse and isolate in my room outside of groups they have (no group therapy, just lectures on mental health).

Doctor has diagnosed bi - polar 2 which I question but who knows…..I don’t even know why I’m writing this I just feel lost in a place I’m supposed to be healing.

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here at the Forum, warmer than you've been given on that psych ward by the sound of it.

I remeber one I hated, instead of the other patients been active and happy, they were miserable, and that got to me so I just wanted to avoid the lot.

There were not many exercises, which you did in a circle sitting on chairs, and no mental health instruction at all. I was half bored witless, and half unhappy with myself. Nobody realy to talk to on my low level.

Do you have anything you particularly like? books, movies, special TV series, artistic things or coloring in? Making or drawing something for your Gf? There's always poetry (no matter how bad) I guess.

The only way I got though  was by hiding in a book, in fact lots of books. I like sword and sorcerer stories and was given a while load of them by a nurse. 

That changed the whole thing. I just read and escaped.

If you continue to get suicidal thoughts I guess it might be an idea to tell the doctor or psych their treatment is not working, and ask for something else. You never know, it might work.

Eventually they let me go and to my surprise I found that I felt a bit better. All that time isolated from the world had done me good.

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that sounds incredibly challenging in so many ways.

Croix touches on something that's so important to consider and that is how we relate. How we relate to other people, certain situations, particular ways of thinking or feeling etc can determine whether we hit on much needed key revelations or not. Also, how we relate to a diagnosis can be another factor. Take being a '1% person', for example. If 99% of the population can relate to certain factors, certain therapies and certain ways of thinking but we're in that 1% category, we're most likely going to be thinking 'There's something wrong with me' or some part of us may lead us to the kind of inner dialogue that can sound a little like 'See, you're so broken to the point where nothing works'. But if you apply everything that works for that 1%, suddenly a lot begins to change in ways that would never work for 99% of the population. Could you be in the 1%, amongst an incredibly unique group of people? 

'The perfect recipe' can be another factor. You could have all of the key ingredients, that are going to lead to significant change, except for one. Without that one key ingredient, it's no longer the perfect recipe for change or transformation. The missing ingredient could involve

• A greater overall understanding of the major energy shifts that can be felt, from extreme highs to extreme lows
• The ability to address specific parts of ourself, as opposed to an overall general understanding of ourself. For example, knowing exactly how to talk to our sometimes brutal and deeply depressing inner critic can help in knowing how to manage it, while also helping us gain an understanding what triggers it to life and how it leads us to feel when it's in full swing
• Finding people who can relate to challenges that can come with heightened sensitivity. What happens when the muse we're so sensitive to 'hearing' (while on a high) suddenly goes quiet? What happens when that inner dialogue of inspiration and excitement stops and it's like we've gone 'deaf'? What happens when the visions we can so easily see, while in a state of clarity, suddenly stop and we can't see a damn thing? It's as though we've gone 'blind'. And what happens when we suddenly lose the ability to feel, in the ways that drive us, motivate us and give a strong sense of connection to life itself? It's as though we've gone 'numb'. Finding no one who can relate to that sense of hearing, sense of sight or sense of feeling can leave us wondering whether we've lost such abilities for good. There's no one to say 'Don't worry, they come back online. It's just a temporary thing, under the circumstances'

I've discovered it can be far more helpful to wonder, as opposed to jumping to conclusions. For example, as a gal who used to question 'What's wrong with me?', I'm now more inclined to wonder 'Why is this not working?' or 'Why am I feeling this or that person or situation as being completely unrelatable?' etc etc. If you feel the need to question the Bipolar 2 diagnosis, don't keep your sense of wonder to yourself, wonder at the doctor.