Looking for someone who can help or relate.

Cheesecakeable

For around longer than a year now, I have been self-harming. I haven't told my family, and only a few close friends know about this. A few months back, my best friend was trying to help me feel better, and it was working. I was doing it less and less, my self-esteem was improving, and I felt happier. Recently, the thoughts have been coming back, and for some reason, even though I promised I would tell them when I self-harmed or had those thoughts, I can't bring myself to let her know. In fact, the thought of talking to people leaves me feeling drained. It's no help that I force myself to get out of bed in the mornings to go to school, which I hate. I feel like I'm back where I was last year, in a place where I wanted nothing to do with the world, yet the world wanted everything to do with me. I don't really know what is wrong with me. Some days I wonder if I'm just being dramatic or seeking attention, but the times where I feel emotionally exhausted are moments where I realise that I'm stuck in a dark place while time keeps ticking away. I know I'm just fifteen and barely understand anything about the real world yet, but seeing how things are going now with my life, I don't think I want to know.

I apologise if I wasted your time by reading this, but I think I need someone to help me find that happiness again, or to at least understand how I'm feeling.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I actually know exactly how you feel. It's like you're in a place all alone and life's challenges seem too hard to fix. I've also self harmed in the distant past.

I'm 70yo with several mental health issues. I've been here for 13 years as a champion. A short story-

In my 20's I left home 5 times to ride my motorcycle up the mountains with the intent to never return, maybe I'd be a hermit, homeless, maybe I'd hunt for food or steal it, whatever would happen to me would be better than living in the city. But I'd always return why? Because I was no hunter, no hermit nor thief, I just wasnt at home in the city. On my way back the last time I saw a lovely little house on a farm and realised that I needed a home in the country with little contact with people. So I had one goal- move to a small country town and seek out the help I needed from a GP doctor and mental health professionals..

For you, I can see that you aren't happy and self harm is a desperate act usually for the reason that you blame yourself for things that go wrong or you aren't fulfilled. It is also a strong indicator that you need help and not ignore these signs that tell you that you require professional guidance. That sounds daunting doesnt it? But it really isnt, I've found that it doesnt take much advice to discover the real reasons for a lapse in mental health. For example- many illnesses come and go in cycles like depression, bipolar and others. Yours has returned like a cycle. Professional help can treat that cycle to be far less effective. Treatment can draw you back to the boundaries of normality so that you fit in with people better and behave normally. I can tell you that once there is a diagnosis and treatment eventually you'll be a different person , happier, helping others and you'll look back at self harm and wonder why you did it.

In the meantime you can self help but it really is a case of loved ones being aware and being included in your journey to freedom of these acts. So I'd encourage you to include your parents in this process or someone you can trust like a relative or the school counsellor. Then they will have more tolerance and understanding.

With mental health issues we have 2 main issues- that friends and family dont understand it and also that the patient isnt aware of the magnitude of the illness and where it can lead.

You write well, you might be more mature for your actual age, pat yourself on the back often, praise yourself and choose friends wisely. Get to a GP and you can even take a copy of this thread with you rather than explain it all with talk.

I hope that help. PS... keep being amazing because one day you'll realise just how fabulous life can be.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

Cheesecakeable

Thank you for the response! I'll be revisiting this a lot so that one day, I'll have the courage to tell my family about this. My dream is to become an author one day, and I believe that if I can get past these current mental challenges, I'll achieve more freedom and inspiration for writing books. Thank you again for your kindness and understanding. Have a good day!

therising

Hi Cheesecakeable

For someone who has the ability to feel/sense, the most important question to ask is not 'What's wrong with me?' but instead 'Okay, what exactly is it that I'm feeling/sensing at this point in my life or this point in time?'. Is it something draining, something challenging, something that's setting off my nervous system, something depressing, something questionable (that requires strategic questioning), something missing in my life, a need of some kind etc etc. It's definitely not always obvious, what we can be sensing or feeling, and given this fact it definitely pays to find people who are going to wonder with us (regarding the answer/s).

As a 56yo gal, it took me literally decades to finally work out that there's never been anything wrong with how I feel or sense, what's wrong was always based on me not knowing what the heck it was and therefor how to manage it. We can sense a lack of direction when we're experiencing a lack of direction or lack of guidance. We can sense a lack of self understanding when we're experiencing a lack of self understanding. We can sense an energy zapping and sometime depressing lack of vitamin B12 when we have an energy zapping and sometimes depressing lack of B12. We can sense a lack of excitement or inspiration when not enough excitement or inspiration is there. I lost track of the amount of times I thought 'I just want to feel better'. Technically, I was always feeling exactly what I was meant to be feeling, based on the challenges I was facing.

Absolutely nothing wrong with attention seeking. In fact, it can be the most logical thing to do at times. The question comes down to how we do it. We can do the equivalent of 'Excuse me, over here, I need some help figuring out where the hell I'm going in life' or the equivalent of throwing ourself on the ground while screaming 'THE WORLD IS UNBEARABLE!!!'. Gaining the attention of others who can possibly offer us some keys to unlocking the way forward makes absolute and complete sense. Nothing wrong with grabbing someone's attention. Btw, I can relate to how you feel school. While it's been a long time since I went to school, I can recall it feeling like a full time job I couldn't wait to retire from. Twelve or thirteen years is a long time to be in a job we don't particularly like and don't get paid for. While grateful for the opportunity for an education, still doesn't make it an easy job. Besides loving Art and English, the rest was way too challenging or boring for my liking.😊