Just need to vent in a safe place.

[Skippy_07]

Hello,

Why does this fight feel like it’s a battle that can’t be won, I’m tired, I’m not sleeping well at night, guess I just want to share as text as I find it hard talking by voice physically or virtually

This nightly nausea (that fuzzy uncomfortable feeling you get seconds before vomiting but for hours) I have had since I was a kid and been stupid I use to hide it from my parents until my late teens and even now they only know about it when it’s really bad.

then sensory issues on top where the sound of people eating, coughing, yawning, sneezing or heavy breathing makes me so uncomfortable and agitated, even after that sound is over I can still hear it as clear as if it was still happening for a range of time after making me even more agitated

I seen my GP (he kept making a sucking sound between each sentence I wanted to say something but was to scared, by the end of the appt I was extremely edgy) yesterday to explain I’m starting to feel scared Im going to lash out as I have already started snapping back with no control it happens so fast I don’t get the chance even stop my self from doing it by mimicking the sound but in a really aggressive tone. The GP recommended me a few things like breathing exercises, grounding and even using a rubber band to snap on my wrist I know it’s not been long but the rubber band snapping sort of helps me but I find my self getting really snap happy if the feeling is bad then it stings for awhile after

I struggle to focus on things I want to enjoy or did enjoy like programming, drawing I just lose focus within a few seconds to a minute even if I really want todo it then I get really agitated and upset at myself

People say if you are unsafe to go to a hospital but my last experience was traumatic I know what I heard, a nurse saying I wasting there resources and if I was going to do it I would just do it, but now I’m questioning if that was a delusion from not sleeping in over 48 hours and that’s making me question if I’m attention seeking even though I hesitate to tell anyone how I feel, hospital investigated the complaint my GP lodged and they ended up apologising for how I was treated but even with that I don’t think I could ever go to one again even for a physical emergency, eg I was choking 2 weeks ago I forced my self to clear it my self was really scary but I’d choose that option over asking for help. I try to plan my words and actions carefully to avoid a hospital visit at all costs now

thanks for reading my vent

[Skippy_07]

Well things have taken a turn for the worse.

I passed out at a friends place was taken to the ED and after a little time there one thing lead to the next and the psych staff thought I was to unsafe to go home and put me on a inpatient treatment order something I have never had before.

I was okay with it until they moved me to the ward (I have only ever been in a short stay before) but the psych ward was so different and I wanted out the second I got there it was sensory issue and OCD trigger nightmare. 

I then started to think was tricked/coerced into letting the psych make the decision and they put me on the inpatient treatment order.

They let patients play a piano, patients scream and yell bloody murder randomly through the day, They have the TVs up loud, lots of loud talking the ED seemed so much quieter, So much simulation to send anyone crazy.

I’ll be only using the bathroom if I can’t hold any longer and I will refuse to shower as my OCD is not going to let that happen, as they are shared bathrooms and are ridiculously dirty, one of them even had poo everywhere.

The room I’m in is next to the smokers outdoor area and when people are out smoking the smell goes into the room even with a sealed window, when I said something they acted as if that’s normal/okay. Surely there is laws around DOSA’s and patient bed rooms…

I have not eaten in 4 days and only fluids is the little bit from given meds, at least they don’t care and don’t push me to eat. I don’t feel safe to go and eat around others or in my room as the room is not that clean, and I have been super nauseous with some vomiting so a little touchy in wanting to eat.

Just feel so overwhelmed, overstimulated and scared. Found it hard to talk to staff about everything after having what I feel is important key concerns dismissed or played down. So here I’m posting here.