Living only for others

[Rupes79]

I spend most days thinking about ending my life. It provides some comfort knowing I can end the perpetual cycle of pain and negative thoughts when I need to. The only thing that stops me is the pain for those I leave behind and for that I find myself resenting them. 
I find myself living only for others and I don’t want that. I want to sever ties and end it on my terms. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Rupes79,

Thank you for sharing your story here. We're really sorry you've been thinking about ending your life. We think sharing here is a really powerful step towards getting some support through this.

We’ve reached out to you privately to check in, offer some support, and to thank you for your openness. We really strongly encourage you to talk these feelings through with us. Our lovely counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 and online here. There's also our friends over at Lifeline, on 13 11 14.

At any point if you're feeling unsafe, or feeling like you may be unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).

We also want to encourage you to think about Safety Planning. The Beyond Now suicide safety planning app is one resource that can really help you with staying safe while dealing with thoughts about ending your life. You can read about how it works and download it here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone - we'd highly recommend doing this. 

We can hear that you don't want to live for others. Is there anything you think would make you feel like you're living for yourself again? If anything springs to mind, we think the community would be really interested to hear it.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. Hopefully, some of our lovely members will spot your post at some point and we'll hear from them.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[smallwolf]

hello Rupes79,

thank you for sharing your story. What I hear from your story is that you live and likely do things for others which in turns is making you resentful and thinking about the value of your own life. You are very important and you do matter, even if it seems those thoughts are not mentioned to you.

If you don't mind me asking ... when you said that you live only for others, are you feel as though you are a people pleaser? what are you like with setting boundaries?  Do you allow time for yourself and to do things you like?

The reason I ask the above questions is these are things I had to think about when in a similar position to yourself. Of course there were other things as well, such as gratitude journals and finding things to look forward to - with the help of a psychologist. 

Again, you matter and if you want to chat some more.

[Rupes79]

Hi,

Thanks for your response. No I wouldn’t call myself a people pleaser. I’ve more of less cut myself off from most people I know over the last 18 months. 
 

I guess what I’m trying to say is the only reason I hang around is so I don’t cause grief to family and friends. I could end it so easily and not care but I know there are some who would never get over it so I sort of hang around for that reason. 
 

It’s part of the reason for the detachment. I’m trying to detach myself from people as much as possible.

[smallwolf]

what will happen if you can detach from people?

but it sounds as though there are people you still care for or about - which is nice! 

Perhaps a better question would be ... what things do or used to give you enjoyment?

[Rupes79]

I would say simply being at peace with myself used to give me enjoyment or meaning. I haven’t felt that way for a long time 

[therising]

Hi Rupes79

Wondering if you've ever been led to define peace, in some way. In its absence, what is it or was it? Why's it not there? What does it take to obtain it and feel it again? What does it feel like? etc. Seeing that peace ceases to exist for a number of reasons, do you feel better understanding it might help explain why you can't feel it right now?

Wondering if you're a bit of a philosopher. Personally, I've found that it's a sense of wonder that leads to certain philosophies and revelations. While once wondering what peace is, I came to realise it's a lack of conflict. There's no peace in the torment/conflict involved in changing jobs, having to end a relationship, in facing a lack of guidance and inspiration from others etc. Even the feeling of being in limbo can be tormenting. With no forward momentum, no motivation, the question can become 'Why am I here, what's the point of it all?'.

Not sure whether you'd be able to relate but I find 2 of the most depressing factors at times can be 1) A mind altering depressing standstill and 2) a depressing lack of energy. While a basic standstill and a basic lack of energy are not so impacting, a depressing lack of forward momentum and energy (especially long term) can take me to some dark places if I'm not fully conscious of what's going on.

At the moment, being in a state of internal conflict, I find I'm giving most of my energy to this challenge. I'm wondering whether you're facing some serious conflict yourself right now. Do you feel stuck? Does it feel like everyone around you is kinda in 'neutral' mode? What I mean is maybe while no one's obviously depressing you, is it possible they're not inspiring you in ways you need and can really feel? Is no one really helping you evolve beyond conflict, in order to find/feel peace? While people can offer us a host of 'solutions', they're not solutions unless we can fully relate to them. If we can't, they simply remain things we can't relate to or manage. Sometimes the smallest of stepping stones become what's manageable.

My heart goes out to you ❤️

[Rupes79]

Thanks for your comments and support. A lot there to digest. At the moment I’m probably just struggling with the basics and trying to get through as best I can. I guess searching for some sort of answer and hope. Will keep trying.