Just need to vent in a safe place.

[Skippy_07]

Hello,

Why does this fight feel like it’s a battle that can’t be won, I’m tired, I’m not sleeping well at night, guess I just want to share as text as I find it hard talking by voice physically or virtually

This nightly nausea (that fuzzy uncomfortable feeling you get seconds before vomiting but for hours) I have had since I was a kid and been stupid I use to hide it from my parents until my late teens and even now they only know about it when it’s really bad.

then sensory issues on top where the sound of people eating, coughing, yawning, sneezing or heavy breathing makes me so uncomfortable and agitated, even after that sound is over I can still hear it as clear as if it was still happening for a range of time after making me even more agitated

I seen my GP (he kept making a sucking sound between each sentence I wanted to say something but was to scared, by the end of the appt I was extremely edgy) yesterday to explain I’m starting to feel scared Im going to lash out as I have already started snapping back with no control it happens so fast I don’t get the chance even stop my self from doing it by mimicking the sound but in a really aggressive tone. The GP recommended me a few things like breathing exercises, grounding and even using a rubber band to snap on my wrist I know it’s not been long but the rubber band snapping sort of helps me but I find my self getting really snap happy if the feeling is bad then it stings for awhile after

I struggle to focus on things I want to enjoy or did enjoy like programming, drawing I just lose focus within a few seconds to a minute even if I really want todo it then I get really agitated and upset at myself

People say if you are unsafe to go to a hospital but my last experience was traumatic I know what I heard, a nurse saying I wasting there resources and if I was going to do it I would just do it, but now I’m questioning if that was a delusion from not sleeping in over 48 hours and that’s making me question if I’m attention seeking even though I hesitate to tell anyone how I feel, hospital investigated the complaint my GP lodged and they ended up apologising for how I was treated but even with that I don’t think I could ever go to one again even for a physical emergency, eg I was choking 2 weeks ago I forced my self to clear it my self was really scary but I’d choose that option over asking for help. I try to plan my words and actions carefully to avoid a hospital visit at all costs now

thanks for reading my vent

[Skippy_07]

“Have you considered revisiting a professional this year to continue the journey to heal?“

After spending all night and all day just laying in bed not sleeping at all just letting my thoughts run on there own accord, I have had enough time to think about it and I don’t think I will healthcare has enough to worry about with Covid since our state opened its borders, and at the end of the day I probably don’t deserve help, it’s a fight I need to win or lose on my own.

[Chris_Tas]

It might be helpful to find a new GP.

I wish you the best mate.

[Banksy92]

Sorry to hear you've had trouble with sleeping and constant thoughts. Those types of nights are really difficult. Please remember that you are absolutely worthy of support and care from our system and there are lots of professionals who would like help if you want it. The BeyondBlue line is always open: 1300 22 4636

What have you been up to lately? How is the drawing going?

Have you been using your self-care and goals app recently?

Thinking of you.

[Skippy_07]

Hello,

Thought I'd come back and update how things have been traveling I ended up seeing my GP on the 12th as I was really struggling and I might of tried to hurt myself so he sent me to the Hospital (The one I had a bad experience at last time but they really did listen and done things with the feedback my GP and Psych sent them as it was alot different and way more supportive).

I was there from 12th to 18th in that time the psychiatrist, psychologist and the doctors changed my medications and added anther diagnosis on top of my already existing ones. once they explained it to me it makes alot of sense even from things I was punished for when I was at school age. The hospital sent a treatment plan to my GP but when I seen him that following Monday after been discharged He could not start that plan as he was leaving the practice and the medication the Hospital wants to put me in requires a government approval, So I see a new GP that I picked out who I felt I would be the most comfortable with and see Tuesday to start the process for that.

On Discharge they said I would be connected by Mind Connect after a couple days I have not heard back from them I did get a number to call if I did not hear back but I'm sort of scared to call the number 😕

I still need to work on my self-care its been a mixed bag some days I just can't no energy, goals app I deleted and changed to a paper book and doing more a bullet journal with a feeling gauge I use stickers and colour pencils on make it a little more fun todo. I have not really been doing much with drawing and other things as my avg 30 second focus just kicks me in the gut but with the new diagnosis hopefully with the meds if approved by the gov and with therapy hopefully that will improve.

Been a few tough day here and there since the 18th but I ended replacing my koala teddy with a new weighted one that has a removable pack that can be put in the freezer or the microwave and I found while doing breathing exercise cuddling Coolah the koala it helps me clam my self and the thoughts down easier then just breathing exercise on there own.

[Banksy92]

Hi Skippy_07,

It's really nice to hear from you and about all that's been going on, thanks for filling us in. Loving the Coolah in your display pic and learning about this great soothing toy - I want one! Glad it's helpful for you.

That's also really interesting that you were able to revisit the same health clinic and they have treated you with more care and consideration. I'm so pleased, it's what everyone deserves.

A new diagnosis can be a big step but if it feels right and helps you understand things about yourself more clearly I hope this has made you feel like things are moving in the right direction. How are you feeling so far on the new medication? I hope the adjustment is okay.

I'm sorry to hear you had been through such a difficult time leading into this. You are so strong and resilient. Every time you fight for yourself and your wellbeing you get a bit closer to where you want to be.

If you haven't heard from Mind Connect soon I wouldn't hesitate to call the number they gave you - I'm sure they will be a great support and help link you with what you need. Let us know how you go with it.

Bullet point goals/journalling sounds like a good way to keep up the self care too, simple stuff like this, done consistently, can make a great difference.

We're all thinking of you and sending positive vibes, please keep us in the loop and stay well.

[Skippy_07]

Hello again,

its been a while things started to improve a little having a little focus and eating healthy.

But like every time things start to improve once I start to get projects to a workable point I start questioning is it good enough, it’s not clean enough, then I start restarting projects over and over as I just can’t get happy with how they are, I start to just eat junk some days not eating at all.

I have been doing daily-ish bike rides along the local bike trails it’s clears my head but after a few hours I find my self just laying in bed again listening to music.

Spending so much time in bed through the day listening to music, cuddling my weighted kolas plush and wondering what the point of going on is, while laying there I get this deep hollow feeling in the stomach and I feel like I’m shaking/trembling inside my body not physically trembling.

I have also started to wonder is there really a point in seeking help I have an appointment next week with my GP to redo the mental health plan and get a new script for meds as im almost out and on last repeat but thinking of canceling it with my reasoning been I’ll always end up in this crappy frame of mind as I’m never happy with anything I do it will never be good enough and I don’t think anything can change that I’m just to far gone to relearn to be happy with my own work. So I’ll just be wasting everyone’s time.

I’m sorry I’m just rambling on.

[Croix]

Dear Skippy_07~

I hope you don't mind if I post to you. I've read your thread here and really feel for you as life has handed you a very hard time. Still you have made probably more progress in dealing with things than you realise. Sometimes it takes someone else lookng in to see things as they realy are

In my own case my thinking was too limited and far to inclined to put everything down to being part of me and therefore unchangeable. So no hope for improvement - I was wrong as I found out.

So I'd like to make a suggestion that's helped me, but before I do I'd like to say that you have it inside you to get better. After all you did say

"Its been a while things started to improve a little having a little focus and eating healthy."

So it can work. The trouble being on the one hand you take very sensible steps, talking with a doctor and a psych, having an elastic band to help when you are triggered in your mind, going for bike rides and trying to east sensibly. Plus taking medication.

The other hand is the downside, when things are going ok -even if they show promise - you have a tendency to shut them down, saying it's not worth it, or you are wasting people's time -and things like that.

I don't know why you do that , perhaps you are like I have been and are afraid to go on becuse you think it is going to fail. In my case that frightened me and I didn't even start. Better to do nothing, that cant fail, and at the same time I've still got the thing to try another time.

Does that make any sense?

I found it was important to see my doctor and psych, and get their treatment. In fact it made all the difference in the long term, now I'm in a good place. (Stopping meds can be bad.)

So your elastic band is a means of counteracting all those triggers. Maybe you could consider i a means to counteract those thoughts that nothing is worth doing - right when they start?

I use a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. It takes practice. However I've found the effort has payed off hugely. I can be in a stream of negative thoughts and it can now take me out, break that stream and leave me calm.

It is very flexible with exercises for just about everyone, even me who has an attention span of a goldfish:(

If you would like to give it a try it is here:

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/

You sound a sensible and thoughtful person stuck in a bad place - well worth your being assisted to get better.

I hope you could say what you think of this suggestion

Croix

[Chris_Tas]

Skippy you aren't rambling on all.

Rather the exact opposite ' you are expressing yourself which is important to us, but crucially it's important for you.

If expressing how you feel is "rambling" them I'm the King Rambler! (hope makes you laugh)

You express yourself whenever you need to as we can't help you unless you talk to us.

Chris

[Banksy92]

Hi Skippy,

It's really nice to hear from you again and see how you are doing. Thanks for keeping us in the loop on your journey.

It sounds like you are having some moments of clarity and joy, and some moments that are much lower. Sorry to hear you're struggling with this and with the other challenges around getting things ''good enough''. Something I think we can all relate to from time to time. A good thing to keep in mind I think is that life isn't perfect and things often feel messy. We set high goals for ourselves and strive for the moon, but even if they don't work out how we imagined, the fact that we tried and are trying is really what progress is all about. I think you're being hard on yourself and that you are doing really well given everything you have on your plate.

Well done on the regular bike rides, that sounds like a fun and positive activity. Perhaps there is another activity you can add into the mix to keep you stimulated. Have you thought about getting back into drawing again? Relaxing with music on sounds nice - do you also like podcasts? I sometimes find these a bit more engaging in my down time.

I really encourage you to keep your appointment with your doctor and get yourself onto the MHCP, Skippy. I understand you're hurting and struggling in these dark moments, but please know there is support out there and light at the end of the tunnel. Your wellbeing and happiness is worth fighting for and you are stronger than you think. We are here for you and want you to get through this.

Look forward to hearing from you on how you're going, thinking of you.

[Skippy_07]

It’s been a little while. It’s been over a month since I done any exercise/bike rides.

I started to get back into programming but my OCD, ADHD etc means I don’t really get anything done as I keep getting so far then fully rewriting from scratch as I’m not happy with how it works/looks I have rewritten one little program over 10 times in the last 2 weeks, what’s the point I’m just wasting time as I’ll never finish it as I’ll never be happy with it.

I have also put on so much weight in the last month and a bit as I’m just comfort eating and not moving around and when I think about exercising or eating healthy I just end up feeling disgusted and disappointed with my self and eat more junk food.

From feeling nausea at night, nightly nightmares, low concentration, not been happy with anything I try and create/do, feeling tired. I don’t know what todo with my self or even if I want to try and get back on the horse or what ever that motto is.