It's all I can think about

[Tomsgone]

I think a lot of the time about suicide. Fantasies mostly. It could be any time or any place.

I hate these thoughts. I hate myself for having them. I hate myself for being so weak. I often dream of suicide. It's something which permeates my thoughts. It's never far away.

A lot of the time I don't feel like I am worthy of treatment or kindness or patience. I feel like I deserve to feel this way. I should be punished. I don't know why. But I know deep down I am not worthy of love or care. I shouldn't be taking up people's valuable time when they could be helping people who are worthy and actually would respond to treatment and follow through.
I am an abject failure.
Welcome to my pity party.

I am really having a bad day. Have made calls to mental health services in my region. Appt booked with psyche for 10am. Just got to make it through the night. So long as I don't end up sleeping in the shed I think it will be ok.

[smallwolf]

thank you very much for letting us know and kind words. I also hope that you might get to read my reply and only because I see some positives in what you are doing - you went out the brekky for fathers day; it sounded like you might have enjoyed the time you were there; you are getting support.

Healing.... whatever that looks like and/or accept... takes time. For some it might be quick and others a lot slower (that's me!). And maybe ... each day (or time), am I better than I was a week, month or year ago.  You've got this!