Waiting caused me to slip
I had been waiting months to see a psychiatrist, when I was finally told that my referral had been accepted and that I'd be contacted for an appointment soon.
That was five weeks ago. I have no idea if or when I'll have an appointment, and the constant waiting has become too much, I've been left without help for too long.
Tonight was the last straw. I self-harmed and I barely got anything out of it, and yet I'm also now committed to long sleeves for weeks, which is a pain in the ass
I just want answers as to why I am the way that I am. I want to find out if I have a diagnosable condition so that I can understand why I struggle in the way that I do, and so I can manage it, instead of feeling like a broken failure of a person.
I'm so glad you came here as a way of making it through such an absolutely torturous time in life. I feel for you so much as you do your best to manage what is unbearable. No one should have to go through such times alone or wait so long for help.
I think there is one thing the mental health care system is not prepared for and that involves the developing senses of the current generations and perhaps the ones to follow. I've learned if you want to find where all the faults are in this world, ask the most sensitive people because they can easily feel them. They can feel depressing wait times, feel anxiety inducing work loads at school or in the work force. They can feel the dismissiveness of insensitive people, feel a noisier world, feel all the depressing news reports we're bombarded with that promote a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, feel being left alone to work things out for themself, feel harsh and superficial judgement in today's society (which is largely about measuring up) and so so so much more. With the saying 'You gotta feel your way through life', such a mantra is a challenge in today's world, especially when what we're feeling is intolerable.
Being a mind/body/soul kinda gal, I've learned over time that feelings aren't always so straight forward. Whether what we're feeling or sensing is internal dialogue from destructive belief systems that have been put in our head (that've gotta go) or it's based on some brutal facet of us that's triggered to life on occasion (such as the inner critic), such are the mental challenges that can be felt. Whether what we're sensing are depressing or anxiety inducing shifts or deficiencies in our chemistry or issues with our nervous system or some other system/s, such are the physical challenges that can be felt. Whether what we're sensing involves a soul destroying lack of inspiration, guidance and vision or a lack of liberating self understanding, such things can also be felt. How to manage being able to sense all that kind of stuff (perhaps all happening at once) is definitely a challenge for someone who has the ability to feel so easily and so deeply. Finding others who can relate is key because then we're not alone in how we feel life in such a unique and sometimes torturous ways.
You're right that I feel a lot of things. I try not to because it seems other people don't and I know that I can't change any of it anyway. It feels like things are always getting worse instead of better. I can't make the world better. But I can't seem to stop feeling.
I had a good long cry last night, mixed in with a little sleep, and while I still have little hope that I'll get the help I'm trying to access any time soon, I do feel a touch more stable.
Thanks for the thought out response. It's good to have been heard by someone at least.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish I could help you. I know that what you're going through is tough. I'm in the same position you are in. I know it can be hard waking up every day just to experience more pain. I know it can be frustrating and defeating when you call for help but get ignored. I just want you to know that you're not alone. Life can be such a pain in the ass, especially when feel like a failure. You are not a failure. You're the complete opposite of a failure. You are brave enough to share you're emotions with strangers. You may not believe it, but you are a strong person. I genuinely hope that you get the help you need, so you can find peace and joy.
Not sure if you're much of a reader but an insightful read, in my opinion is 'Sensitive Is the New Strong', by Anita Moorjani. While I used to live in hope that a single book was going to change my whole life and pull me out of a depression, over the years I came to realise resources (books included) are simply 'stepping stones' through a mind altering experience. While a book won't completely change my life, some facet of it may hold the potential to change or open my mind to what I was never conscious of before. One step at a time.
It's amazing how things begin to change when you find the tribe you vibe with, as they say. Imagine you're in a room filled with 99 other people plus some inspirational speaker up the front getting the crowd all excited. Everyone comes out of the lecture all high vibey and you're the only one who didn't particularly like the speaker. You think 'What's wrong with me?'. Now, imagine you're in a room filled with 99 other people and 10 of you are highly sensitive. All 100 people come out of the lecture. 90 are all hyped up praising the speaker but 10 (yourself included) start to chat. Someone says 'Did you feel something off about the speaker' to which another says 'I thought it was just me who felt that' and then another says 'You could just feel they had an agenda', to which all of you agree that's what you were sensing, an underlying agenda. All 10 of you could sense what the other 90 couldn't.
Definitely agree with Shaeyun. You're a strong person and you are not a failure. You are on a quest for answers and greater self understanding, a quest not for the faint hearted. Takes a strong person to undertake such a thing and as far as the failure aspect goes, it took me a number of decades to finally work out that I'm not a failure, at times I'm simply failing to find the answers I need or failing to understand how my sensitivity works or failing to find the best and most effective guidance etc. It's hard work, coming to better know yourself. As I say, it's work of the strong. Much easier for some to cruise through life arrogantly while never questioning themself at all (narcissistic types). Plenty of people take that easy path and they're typically the most triggering people of all. 🙂