It's all I can think about

[Tomsgone]

I think a lot of the time about suicide. Fantasies mostly. It could be any time or any place.

I hate these thoughts. I hate myself for having them. I hate myself for being so weak. I often dream of suicide. It's something which permeates my thoughts. It's never far away.

A lot of the time I don't feel like I am worthy of treatment or kindness or patience. I feel like I deserve to feel this way. I should be punished. I don't know why. But I know deep down I am not worthy of love or care. I shouldn't be taking up people's valuable time when they could be helping people who are worthy and actually would respond to treatment and follow through.
I am an abject failure.
Welcome to my pity party.

I am really having a bad day. Have made calls to mental health services in my region. Appt booked with psyche for 10am. Just got to make it through the night. So long as I don't end up sleeping in the shed I think it will be ok.

[indigo22]

Hi Tomsgone,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for having the courage to reach out.

The place you are in is really tough to ride out, it's dark and incredibly lonely, but you can do it, you just need to hold out for a few hours.

One thing I want to impress on you is that you can talk yourself into just about anything when you get to that low point. It comes from years of programming into thinking you are hopeless, worthless and leads to the self loathing you are referring to. The real truth is that you are just as important as any other person on the planet and deserve to feel supported, cared for and have a brighter future than you can see right now. Just take one step at a time, you have reached out for help, which is not the action of someone who truly hates themselves, there is still a part of you in there that does not want to feel like this and that is the part I want you to cling to for now.  Small steps will make a big difference over time, so for now just take the next step, after that take another. If you feel comfortable, please let us know how you are going.

My best wishes for a good night of sleep and an even better therapy session tomorrow.

Take care,

indigo22

[Tomsgone]

Thank you for replying and your kind words.

I have taken myself out of the house. I needed to be away from my family. (Wife+3 small boys) I am trying to drown out the intrusive thoughts with even louder music. I will have to return home soon to help with bedtime routine. I am a mess. I am sitting in my car on the side of the road crying. 

[indigo22]

Try to focus on your little boys and the love between you, they do not deserve to lose their dad so it you cannot hang on to anything else, hang on to that. Get all your tears out in the car and then give your boys a big hug.

Hang in there 🙂

[Tomsgone]

Home now. Kiddoes successfully put into bed. Eyes are dry. I think I can make it. There is a Father's Day breakfast at Kindergarten tomorrow. That's something I need to be there for. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I just want to pick up on something in your initial post. You said ...

I shouldn't be taking up people's valuable time when they could be helping people who are worthy and actually would respond to treatment and follow through.

I would have similar thoughts to you - as you said above. And then someone replied to one of my posts, and that person I would have said had it worse than me. You know... the ones who really needed help. This person said to me (slightly paraphrased) that it does not matter what events cause you feel this way ... if you are low where you question the value of life then you are deserving of support and help. 

Lastly, and I don't know what has happened in your life, and I also noticed you a psych appointment... if you can give yourself some time you might be able to work out some of the thought and feelings you and find a way forward. After all, you have also posted here, and that in itself takes courage.

Listening if you want to chat some more ...

[Tomsgone]

I made it to my appt. Late of course.

[indigo22]

Hi Tomsgone,

Thank you for updating me, I had no doubt you could do it.

How did it go with the fathers day breakfast?

I sincerely hope you got some constructive help at your appointment with handling your intrusive thoughts.

Take care,

indigo22

[Tomsgone]

Hi smallwolf and indigo

I feel I owe you some small closure. 

I felt extremely awkward at the father's day brekky, too much happiness and business, noise and people. I do struggle with crowded social settings at the best of times. However I was determined to make the most of my time with my boy. I stayed as long as I could and still be almost on time for my appt. It's kind of funny though, as my son is very socialable and pretty much ignored me so he could play with his mates. It was nice to watch, and gives me hope I haven't passed on my neuro-divergent and poisoned psyche.

Anyway. I have another appt with a psychiatrist in 4 weeks, and I have requested that the psychologist/s at the clinic I m attending call me throughout at least this week, daily. 

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thankyou.

(If something's worth saying, say it thrice!!)

[indigo22]

Hi Tomsgone,

You are most welcome, it is why we are here and should you need us again, we will be here for you, you are not alone, not one of us is a stranger to the struggles associated with mental health.

Please look after yourself and your boys.

Sending you a big hug,

indigo