Struggling after loss

[blueeyedanxiety]

I’m really struggling after losing my dad a month and a half ago. He was the one in my family who made me feel included and that I belonged there and now with him gone I feel so alone. The suicidal thoughts (which I’ve had in the past) are now creeping in! I would I hope never act on them as I have lost my youngest sons dad 11 years ago as well and he has no one if I was to leave too but to be honest that’s probably the only thing keeping me here. My sisters promised to include me more but that has not happened in the end. My mum is grieving herself and doesn’t seem to want me around she actively seeks others out before me yet me being there for her most of the time ! Dad taught me family is the thing that matters the most so I’m trying so hard to be there but I just feel so alone! I understand everyone is grieving but it was like this before he passed. When dad passed my relationship got better with my oldest son (20 he long story but after youngest sons dad died I gave my older three boys to their dad as I was grieving so hard and he feels like I abandoned him which I understand) but yesterday he hugged my mum and didn’t even say hello to me ! That broke my heart as I thought we’d made progress! My anxiety lately is debilitating I can’t seem to do the simple things I feel so stuck. I feel like I can’t breathe properly and I struggle to put one foot in front of the other ! I have complex PTSD and have worked so hard to be a better person and I have been the best mentally up until dad died I have ever been ! I’d have my bad days but they wouldn’t take me as long to manage . I just feel like I don’t matter my feelings don’t matter I’m not wanted and I’ll never be enough for anyone. I feel like everyone would be better off without me and I feel like I’m just a hindrance! Again I’d never act on these feelings my youngest son is enough to pull me through anything and I know if that wasn’t going to pull me through it I would get more help! I have a psych appointment tomorrow but this is a new psych and I’m feeling like he isn’t getting me however I’m going to give it one more shot before I stop ! I have a lot of health issues (heart and stomach ) and I can’t even get in to see the dr for mental health plans as a single mum on jobseeker I can’t afford to go see one. Anyways that’s all I can think of for now ! I just feel so sad and I’m so sick of feeling sad and feeling like I’m not enough and I don’t matter ! 

[Sophie_M]

Hi blueeyedanxiety, 

Thank you for sharing and welcome to the forums. We’re sorry to hear that you’ve so recently and lost your dad. It may be quite hard to express what you’re feeling, at the moment, but please know you’ve taken a really brave and commendable step in sharing here.  

Are you connected with any bereavement or mental health support currently? This is obviously an incredibly painful time, and it’s really important you and your family are supported through it. In case it's useful you can find advice and directories on the Beyond Blue website here. We'd highly recommend talking to Griefline, on 1300 845 745 (6am to midnight AEST every day).   Please know that you're not alone with this, you can call the Beyond Blue helpline at any time, on 1300 22 4636. They can help you talk this through and will also be able to help you plan what's next so that you have that support in place.  We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you've been so kind in sharing your experience here. You never know how your story might help someone else, so do feel free to share more if you're comfortable to. We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums, where other community members might be able to relate to what you’re going through.  

Kind regards,  
Sophie M  

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Reaching out takes courage, and I commend you for seeking support during this painful time. This was something that people said to me and that message needs to be passed around.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Grief is such a difficult process and is not complete at some pre-defined time, especially when it brings up old wounds and feelings of abandonment. It's completely understandable that you would feel more anxious right now. 

Your feelings absolutely do matter - you matter. It's obvious how deeply you care for your son and family. While the relationships may feel strained right now, you clearly have a huge heart. Your father would be proud of your strength and resilience.

With time and compassion for yourself, the intense pain you feel will slowly ease. For today, be extra gentle with yourself. Take things one moment at a time.

Sending you comfort and encouragement as you walk through this difficult season. And if you want to chat some more, I am listening ...

[blueeyedanxiety]

Hey there thank you for your kind words I really appreciate any person who reaches out to me! Today was a better day the suicidal feelings quieted again (even though they are still there they are more manageable and I’m able to talk myself through them ) ! I had an appointment with a psychologist today but he was one appointed to me by my workplace provider so he is limited in grief counselling but suggested I get a mental health plan from the GP which I will try to do ! Just doing little things like ringing someone makes me feel like I’m stuck though….it’s like I just freeze so we will see! 

[blueeyedanxiety]

Thank you for taking the time to reply I really do appreciate it and you ! I think sometimes that people who have seen the lowest of lows are the most caring empathetic people because they know what it’s like to feel like that and they wouldn’t wish it on anyone! Today was a better day the thoughts weren’t as loud today I did see my psychologist (see above reply ) so I do have a plan ! I feel mentally drained today I feel better but absolutely exhausted ! I miss my dad ….I hate that the last time I saw him was when I was sitting there holding his hand as he took his last breaths . I felt it was only fitting I held his hand as he passed considering he was the first person to hold mine when I came into this world. It was a total unexpected passing too so that’s been tough! I just feel like I have no support around me ! I mean I have my youngest son who is such a good kid (he saw me crying yesterday and dropped what he was doing and came and cuddled up to me) but I feel bad for laying it all on him when he is grieving himself ! 

[smallwolf]

I'm glad to hear you had an appointment with a psychologist. Seeking help can be a courageous first step. A mental health care plan can make continued care more affordable, which is wonderful. My own psychologist helped me develop a safety plan, which I've found very valuable.

Losing a loved one suddenly is profoundly difficult. There's no way to truly prepare. Please don't feel you need to hide your grief from your son. Letting him see you cry shows it's normal to express emotion openly. His instinct to comfort you reveals his caring heart. Even though he's young, sharing your grief can help you support each other during this hard time.