Is my mind fabricating sadness?

[annabel111111]

hi, to the kind souls reading this, im annabel and i am very thankful that you are reading this, sorry that its a long one

im 16 turning 17 in a few weeks, and i promised myself that i would not exist past 16. Ive had this thought since i was 14. but in between 14-16 i was happy as in i did school well, befriended my best friends and grew more confident (thankful for the people in my lfie). But for the past few months ive started to feel fatigued or ive just felt hollow, like all people view me is a shell or a mask ive put up and not the true me(if i even know who that is)? But it wasnt a mask before; its as if ive changed drastically and ive lost who i am. I heard its called an ego death? - loss of identity and truth in one self. Then i found out my parents are going to have a divorce once i become financially stable and only stayed together because i was born an accident. Thus ive been a burden. I wont get into too much detail.

It just makes me feel down for some reason. But to my core i dont even know i feel it - kind of hollow feeling, as if i haven’t existed or my existence is pointless in that its ok if i dont exist? It will end my “suffering” if i leave, and will cause little pain for others, cause how can they miss a picture of myself i put up? How can they miss someone they dont know? Maybe im being overdramatic or this is all fake. Nothing ive done is successive so is my sadness amounted to physically nothing? Maybe all i want is a label for how im feeling because all im doing is spirally everynight but i feel like im begging to be diagnosed depressed and not truely it? Like its all fake? I cant do my school work, i get tired moving and i have no joy in things i like anymore. I dont have motivation to get better, or maybe i find comfort in this. My head is becoming a war and all i want to do is cry. I am a happy person, i can change this, its all fabricated versus this is who i am and i want to keep being in this sadness.

My question is; is what im feeling normal? Does everyone have these thoughts? Should i go get help? (maybe im scared that doctors will say that this is normal and i will get over it.?? Whenever i open up i feel like im lying just to have soemthing medical (“a proper reason”) to justify my sadness, i sound like a really awful person sorry)

im sorry 

[Sophie_M]

Hi annabel111111,

Thank you so much for reaching out in the forums. We’re so sorry to hear how you’re feeling right now. It sounds like you have gone through a lot, and we can imagine how difficult this would be.

We can hear how much of a toll these issues are having on you. Information, strategies and ongoing support are important ways to help you navigate through self improvement, and it is great that you have had the strength to reach out.

For your own well-being, there are several ways to start the process towards the ongoing support that you feel is right for you.

Your GP is a great place to start. Talking to your GP about how you are feeling, what you are going thru and what you feel would be the best way to help you, is a step in the right direction. They have wide range of resources at their fingertips.

If you feel that speaking to your GP is not something you feel comfortable with, the following is a link to support the specialises in helping teens and young adults. They have professional support available to help you work through what you are going through.

Headspace is a confidential service.
Headspace 📞 1800 650 890 🌐 https://headspace.org.au/online-and-phone-support/

Please remember you can reach out to our lovely counsellors, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email 24/7

Thank you so much for having the strength to reach out
Please try to be kind to yourself

[therising]

Hi annabel, the warmest of welcomes to you 🤗

You sound like such a beautiful deeply feeling person who is feeling and questioning so much. While I find this is not 'normal' or typical for the average person, it's normal for someone who is incredibly natural or super natural. I suppose the question becomes about 'What am I sensing, as a sensitive person?'. I've found there are basically 3 areas in life which can lead to the question 'Is what I'm sensing physically based, mentally based or does it feel more like a natural deeper issue than just purely physical and mental?'. As a 55yo gal, I can relate to the 3 separate categories based on my own experience over the years. For example, a depressing level of B12 deficiency is definitely depressing (physical). A depressing level of inner dialogue, perception of life and set of beliefs can also definitely be depressing (mental). A depressing sense of where I'm at in life can also be depressing at times, relating to my ability to feel where I'm at (natural). I should add that physical, mental and natural can all come together as a combo. What's naturally depressing can mess with my head at times and impact my dopamine levels, for example. We're definitely complex creatures. Btw, sometimes it pays to get blood tests done, to see whether there's a significant chemical deficiency causing our low energy vibe (B12, iron, thyroid issue etc).  

While I experienced obvious long term depression from the ages of 18 to 35, what was not so obvious at the time was how I was teetering on the brink of depression at around 16. While there are plenty of adults out there who went through what they regard as 'normal for a 16 year old', not all of them stop to question what it's really all about. Why is a 16yo beginning to ask the kinds of questions the greatest philosophers in history have asked? 'Why am I here? What is the point? What is my purpose? Who am I? Why do I suffer? What are these feelings about? What is the meaning of life, including my life?' and on it goes. So many deep questions mark the beginning of the ultimate quest in life, the quest to come to truly know ourself and our connection to life. If life is a landscape or kinda map, there are two must haves while navigating, 1)the ability to feel where we're at (our inner compass) and 2)some really great guides along the way who can help shed light on the darker parts of our path while helping us gain a solid sense of direction at times. I've found some of the best guides are 'sensitives', those who can sense where I'm at and sense exactly what it is I'm feeling when I have absolutely no idea myself.❤️ 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear annabel111111,

You have written so beautifully and clearly and with such mature insight about how you feel. You definitely don't sound like an awful person, quite the opposite. With regard to feeling hollow and like you have lost who you are, we can sometimes feel unreal when our system is overwhelmed for whatever reason. I am wondering if at some level you have been feeling the uneasiness in your parent's relationship, so even before you knew about the divorce perhaps it was affecting you? If you are a sensitive person, and it seems you are very sensitive and intuitive, you may have been picking up on their feelings and energies. The unreal feeling can be how our minds and bodies cope by distancing ourselves from what is otherwise painful, so it's like a protective mechanism. This is actually a way your mind and body seek to protect you, so the unreal feeling is there to give you a kind of buffer against difficult emotions and feelings. However, it can feel very strange and like you have lost yourself. I have felt that too, especially in certain circumstances where my sense of stability in the world has been shaken in some way.

It would likely help to speak with someone, such as the suggestions mentioned above. Just that in itself may help you to feel a bit more real again, as I imagine you are dealing with these feelings on your own at the moment. Do you have a school psychologist at your school and would you feel ok about talking with them? 

I had feelings at your age too about feeling like I was a burden based on the dynamics with my parents, but I want to assure you that you are not a burden and you are a gift to the world with your sensitivity and insight. At the moment it seems there is part of you that has been the happy self, interacting with your friends and living life, and there is a part of yourself that is feeling the difficult emotions and has separated off as a coping mechanism, and that's where the hollow feeling comes in. So I think it is an adaptive response in your situation and there are ways to work on regulating your system to feel more grounded and connected again - to integrate the parts of self that are disconnected at the moment. You can definitely reconnect, and meaningful human interaction with a caring person who understands is a great starting point. If you could find a counsellor such as through your school, GP or a support line such as Headspace, someone you feel comfortable with, then that can help bring you back so to speak so that you feel more whole and yourself again.

I can hear you have been struggling for a while but with the right support things can get better. It's wonderful you have reached out for support and it would be great to find someone who can help you work through your feelings. Just keep reaching out when you need to. I have found myself that staying engaged and continuing to reach out is important in healing whatever is going on internally. Take care.

[pearlgirl]

hi stranger,

i’m 15 and i totally understand what you mean. i relate to this deeply. i think the beauty of our situations is that we can feel so deeply, which sometimes can betray us and accentuate bad feelings. but that also means we can highlight good things aswell. idk if any of that made sense but i’m hoping it did. if it’s becoming too much then don’t carry this burden alone and speak to somebody else about it, preferably a counsellor or someone who’s experienced with things like this. then i guess i’d just suggest starting off small and doing a little bit of homework at a time.