hi everyone, i’m writing here because i am too ashamed to keep speaking to my friends about the same issues that they think i’ve ‘healed’ from.
i’m a 15 year old girl, and objectively my life is not that bad. from the outside i get good grades, i’m told i’m pretty, i even get hit on, i have lots of supportive friends and a supportive family. however i have been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts my entire life and recently they have only been getting worse.
i’m not going to write my entire life’s story but generally i am ashamed of my past (depression and self neglect) and it feels like these depressive episodes are plaguing my entire life. last year was a mix between suicide attempts and self harm and a fun, memory filled year. i was getting told on a daily basis that i am beautiful, i would get asked for my socials, i would experience people envying me, i even got awards and certificates for my grades. however i would come home just to hurt myself and wish i was dead. i will never forget the time i came home from a school day full of laughter and fun, taking funny pictures with my friend and only 2 hours later i was in urgent care with my self harm fully exposed and wounds that are permanent. it just never feels enough. i am not ugly but i am not stunning enough, i am not poor but i am not wealthy enough, i am not dumb but i am not smart enough, etc. i don’t feel enough, and i often feel like i have nothing going for me at all. there’s a girl at my school 2 years older than me who i am terribly envious of and people say we look identical all the time but i don’t see it at all and feel incredibly inferior to her. she is skinnier and prettier and i feel like a knock off of her. i have been feeling so ugly recently especially now that i am not at school and not surrounded by compliments or gazes like before anf that has led me to reconsider suicide like always. people have called me beautiful, rich, smart, funny, social, kind, talented, etc. so why can’t i feel any of it???? i feel trapped in a perception i can’t change. it is so exhausting feeling ugly and stupid and being invalidated when i open up about it just because people have a different perception of me. i just want to be and feel beautiful.
i understand i may come across as shallow or ungrateful but i genuinely cannot see myself as anything but hideous and i find no point in continuing to live if i have to live with this body and this face. i don’t want to settle for less. i just want to have all or nothing. i want to be the girl people see me as. it feels like everyone is deluded and seeing me with rose tinted glasses and one day they will realize i am actually hideous and poor. living has become simply unbearable and i see no way out. i’m writing here in an attempt to find a different solution because right now i feel like i could only opt for death
