Ignoring this any longer feels like lying to myself.

[Lunaluz]

I think I have a good life, I've been so "blessed", yet being mentally ill won't let me actually feel it.
I know people love me but I just hear words, the only times I feel valuable is when I do something for someone and they thank me.
I wish I could stop thinking for a moment, to not have to feel some type of pressure. I'm very lonely today, the only person I truly I can be myself with is very sick right now and I had not realized how he keeps me from falling apart.
I don't want to ignore this thoughts anymore, I can't make them go away, its like unless I hurt myself or actually die, people around me wont understand to what low I feel I have gotten; but also, I just don't think I'll ever be able to let it go.
2020 I hurt myself, but after battling with myself, I decided to give it another shot; and I cant explain how much I regret not doing it then. The more I grow the harder life gets, the more burden and pain I leave behind.
I'm just so fucking tired of carrying with the burden of my existence, not even my parents could be bothered making space for me in the world, why would it be anyone else's job?

I just wish I could let someone look after me, but going to a hospital or psych ward is taking the space of someone who probably has it worse than me. 
Wish I could go somewhere nice and quite 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It sounds incredibly tough, and your pain is valid. It's clear that you're going through a difficult time, and it's okay to seek help and support. You don't have to carry this burden alone. I know you mentioned there is one person you can talk to but is ill. Is there anyone else you could reach out to? A friend, family member?

 You also said "I know people love me but I just hear words"... Can I ask a question - is this like when someone says something positive to you. You heard the words, but don't believe in your heart what they are saying? I am not very good at accepting compliments. This is because of my past experiences. I hear the words or compliments, but struggle the believe what is said. And that's tough, sad, frustrating!

Finally, your parents not making space for you, but it does not mean you are not important or valuable. If you want to share more of your story I'm listening ....

[therising]

Hi Lunaluz

My heart goes out to you with you being someone who feels life so much at such a deep level. For someone who feels so much so deeply, some challenges can feel incredibly overwhelming and also confusing. 'Why do I feel the way I do?' can become such a familiar question.

With the 'love' factor, it was a few years back when I discovered for myself why I just couldn't feel love at times, especially during periods of depression. The revelation came when I questioned, for the first time, 'What does love really mean to me?'. When I thought 'Why and how do I love my kids so intensely?', I realised I am invested in them evolving through many challenges, in ways that serve their mental, physical and soulful wellbeing. In their evolution, you will find evidence of my love for them. I came to realise in evolution there is love. Whether I am raising them to evolve, someone else or even myself, I am actively loving people. And that is why I can't feel love at times, even from those who express their love for me. If I cannot feel them raising me when I'm depressed then I cannot feel them loving me back to life. I may simply be feeling them waiting for me to come out of a depression. I may simply be feeling them hoping that I do. While actions often speak louder than words, actions also speak louder than simple forms of waiting and hoping. Lunaluz, if you were to raise my level of consciousness by leading me to understand what I could be struggling with and why I can be struggling with it so much, I would sense you raising me (my consciousness and spirits) while leading me to evolve. I would easily feel you being a loving person.

Your friend sounds like a solid guide and support for you, someone who raises you in a number of ways and someone who you can really relate to. I feel for you so much as your guide and support in life takes time out to fully focus on their own wellbeing. A tough time for the both of you. I wish them a speedy and full recovery. Completely understandable how you'd be suffering without your #1 guide and support. 'How can I evolve through this?' (aka 'How can I love myself through this?') becomes the question. If you loving yourself through this incredibly challenging time involves going somewhere that offers full support (a hospital, some retreat or something else), sounds like a direction worth considering. So hard to see the best path for our self when our usual seer, who sees what's best for us, is unavailable to us. 'Alone in the dark without the ability to see and with no sense of direction' is definitely a feeling that can be deeply felt at times. Even someone who's typically a guiding light for others (a guide/light like yourself) needs lights to guide them on occasion.