If I can so can you

[T-C]

Well I'm new here and well I don't really know how to do this, like speak my mind, you know what I mean? I want the pain to go away, I really do, I hate my life, I know I do, I don't like who I am. I have recently, in fact just yesterday, cancelled my psychiatrist appointments, of which yes again P have only managed to complete one of. I have tried over and over again, to find the trust to confide in someone else, but it really isn't me. I don't know if its the fact that I don't know the person, not having trust in them, or not having the trust in myself, because yes I want to get better, and feel happy, but I feel like I don't deserve that, I don't deserve to be happy. 

Or is it just that I don't know how to put my feelings and thoughts into words, I mean how can I when I don't even understand any of these thoughts and feelings myself.

sometimes, well actually a lot of the times I want to die, I know the world would be better off without me, and that no one would care, let alone realize that I'm gone. But at the same time I guess I don't want to die, sometimes I self harm, not with the intentions to die, but with the purpose of it feeling like a way, a thing that I have control over, a way to defeat this depression, a way to simply let go of some of it.

However I am now 3 months sober of self harm, yes it still crosses my mind, but you must know that the worse of these thoughts provenly only last 90 seconds, as my therapists told me, so just think of something that will distract you for those 90 seconds. I know you've got it in you 

[white knight]

hi, welcome

What a wonderful post!!  That came from your heart in a sort of celebration- 3 months without self harm is remarkable. Inner thoughts aren't easy to express and when I read them I feel incredibly humble for that privilege.

And now you have it in you!, . As that urge will still come and go, ebb anf low, it will become easier. We have to be prepared though, that bad day, that personal clash with someone else and so on, to be ready to not be tempted. Then you can put your distraction to the test again.

A therapist once told me, "those people that dont have a passion need our sympathy because without an interest they are focussed on the wrong things." That means they havent got the distractions we talk about. 

I also like how you remembered that 90 second teaching.

BLACK CLOUDS DANCING

It takes a special kind of man

To sense the hurt and grief

Unlike other ‘mates’ I see

Smiling in the street

They beat their chests all day

But never see the harm

Conquer another nameless lady

Then return to farm

No wonder we hurt ones cry alone

Beside us an empty seat

Few mates take the time to know

Nor take the time to greet

You took the time to trust

You took the time to ask

It wasn’t easy for me to admit

That I couldn’t do the task

You saw the black clouds dancing

Just above my head

Tinted it grey then blew it away

By using tact instead

It takes a special kind of doctor

To sense the hurt, the harm, the grief

Thank you for not being like the others

-that smile in the street….

TonyWK