Hi Guest_1091
Like smallwolf, I consider how incredibly exhausted you must feel while having managed depression for so long. Long term depression is such an incredibly brutal thing. While I only faced it for about 15 years or so, that was enough to lead me to fear it (returning to it). It's the breaks in between periods in depression that come as relief and offer an opportunity to reflect on things while in a different state of mind.
I've learned over the years that there are so many different reasons for depression and serious down shifts. From psychological reasons through to purely physical reasons and even some soulful reasons, whatever it is can demand some serious detective work. While constantly trying to manage stressful and depressing inner dialogue and emotions can become exhausting, what can also mess with energy levels (to the point of becoming intensely depressing) is sleep apnea and a serious B12 deficiency. I had no idea until I experienced them for myself. Can't hurt to get some blood tests done, to eliminate the usual suspects for seriously low energy (B12, iron, thyroid, vitamin D etc). Also can't hurt to look into a sleep study even if it's just out of sheer curiosity. There are some home sleep studies around that aren't too costly. It can be so easy for people to say 'The low energy is just a part of depression' but sometimes there can be other issues going on within the depression that can add to the existing challenge, making it so much worse all of a sudden.
If someone was to ask me my definition of what it means to feel fully alive, I'd have to say 'Having loads of energy'. It's like feeling life itself running through you. So, from a more soulful perspective I'd say feeling next to no energy is the experience of not feeling fully alive and that can become incredibly depressing. Only people who know how that feels can relate to how unbelievably challenging it is. It can feel like trying to function in 'flat battery' mode, almost impossible. How to become 'in charge' (in more ways than one) can feel like a monumental quest. The first step or the first question on such a quest could be 'Could blood tests possibly reveal anything?'.
Btw, not at all stupid to think 'If I look thin, I'm happier'. As a 53yo gal who seriously needs to lose some weight, when I stand in front of the mirror in the mornings after a shower, a part of me says on occasion 'Does that look healthy and fit to you?' (my body). My honest answer is 'Hell no!'. I know I will be happier when I appear healthy and fit to myself, upon reflection.
