I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[Croix]

Dear April~

OK, the assignent season is over and you have more time to think about things

You sounded puzzled you now had freinds but still felt alone, or nothing. Thats not unexpected. I was lucky, at the 8 schools I went to I was never bullied or given a hard time and knew people, and could maybe hang out with them if I wanted.

I did not freel anything particular about them, as in real life they were aquantnces placed there by circumstances. Sometimes I'd find one and have a deeper relationship -freindship in fact. Then I would feel something, even if only being pleased to see them and happy in their company. Like minded people are hard to find.

Pets are easier, unconditional love, and undemanding (welll, mostly)

Many people like pets, that does not stop them from being unique people any more than you. True some past events have had their effect on us, both good and bad, but you were also born with some traits too, hair colora and more. This does not stop you from making decisions, though it can help guide, That's called expereince

Those masks again - "Are you ok" - "Yes I'm fine". Well, it stops you haveing to think deeply about how you are and also is easy, no complicated questions to answer and no risk of someone geting bored or overwhemd by your answers.

Not altogether a good strategy -fine for casual aquantantances but not for those who either care, or are in a positon to try to help your feelings. Masks isolate you, you are the only person that knows you and feel you have to hide who you really are.

I know, I know, all road lead in the end to parents, except maybe places like here, and we can care, offer some advice and say how we have felt, but cannot help with the matter like your professionals -can't even offer you a chokolate.

Incidentally there is nothing you have said in this thread that is weird, so no councilor will think that .

Maybe at some stage life will prompt you to open up to a councilor, doctor or whoever. By all means say your parents have to be handled and educated, not just given the bare facts.

I understand how it can seem pointelss to get up, how holidays may just seem more of the same. In fact it does not have ot be that wy. The road out is not easy, and small victories can become the impetus that keeps you going, but the world can be better -even enjoyable, as I found out.

Hang in here April

Croix

[hellohi]

Hi April,

I understand and please don't apologise. Assessment season is really hard.

How is assessment season going?

My school didn't do many assessments during remote as they knew people would cheat but they put a large chunk of assessments in term 4. Did your school do that too? Do you have exams this year? I have a source analysis on Tuesday and exams in 2 weeks. Do you find it hard to concentrate? I always find myself staring at a wall and then realising what the time is, I don't even know what I think about.

You are right, the flexibility of remote learning was really good. It was nice to be away from people.

I understand how you feel, explaining everything is really difficult and stopping yourself from crying and emotions rising up. Do you feel like when someone asks, the things you want to forget about come back up?

Waking up in the morning is really hard. It's like as soon as you walk out of the house, you automatically put on a mask every day.

I am really glad you have good friends at school. But that does sound really conflicting and hard because you still don't feel anything and scared to open up. It is a really scary feeling, to open up to your friends and then see them change and see them at school every day, maybe it is because you don't know them completely yet to trust them. I understand how you feel, a friend in my class who our friendship has started to, idk I guess be stronger and now we hang out with every day, they do tell me things in their life but I have never been able to talk about my life. Hanging out with my friends, still makes me feel lonely.

At least during the holidays, you will be able to be by yourself and not go through the school stress. I think its about 3-4 weeks till holidays.

You are so right, as soon as you even mention suicidal thoughts or self-harming they tell your parents and then they wonder why you don't talk to them or reply to all of their questions.

I am really glad that you are talking to the psychologist on Monday, I hope you feel a bit better after seeing them.

I agree it is impossible to be yourself and even the mask you wear keeps on getting stronger and stronger that gradually you start forget who you were beneath the mask. It is horrible.

I am going ok I guess. Things at home and school and just life, in general, hasn't ok lately.

How are you?

I am really lucky to have a friend like you. Thank you for being my friend.

I hope you are doing well,

Your friend,

Neerja.

[____]

Hey Neerja,

How are you?

I've been worse than usual lately. I'm a lot more depressed and I'm finding it difficult to do small things. I spent most of the day in the mental health guys office on thursday because i couldn't bring myself to do anything. I still have some assignments due which I have no motivation to start lol.

Most of our assignments aren't exams but they're still meant to be done in class time. It's impossible to cheat really unless you just copy someone else's work. I am absolutely terrible at concentrating. I focus on the spots on the wall and the sounds of people writing but i can never seem to concentrate on the actual work.

I don't think I would ever open up to friends about everything. People are judgmental and sometimes quite mean.

My appointment with the psych was good but I can never really talk about things in-depth. I only talk about my small problems because if she tells my mother anything I'm kinda screwed. I have another appointment in two weeks so I'm hoping I'll be able to open up more then.

The whole 'be yourself' thing just seems like bs. I don't know what ' myself ' is and i think it's made up. I act so different around everyone and I don't know which one is my authentic self. I care too much about what others think of me.

Sometimes i remember that everyone around me is kind of the same. We all are just stuck in these bodies with no idea what we're doing. Some people seem quite good at living but we're all just winging it. I do wonder if other people are depressed too but are just good at hiding it.

At the moment the main thing I look forward to is going to bed but at least it's something I like. It's definitely better than nothing.

I hope you are doing well

Thank you for everything

Your good friend

April

[Guest_4643]

Hello _____ .

Just came across your thread, I hope you're doing OK?

- Tayla

[hellohi]

Hi April,

Sorry for replying so late I had exams.

I am really sorry you are feeling worse than usual, that is not good. Were you able to finish your assignments? I

t is really hard to get motivation to do things, I still haven't finished this humanities thing I was supposed to do lol.

Do you have a favourite subject at school? I don't think you are terrible at concentrating because I bet when you are baking you are giving it your full focus.

Does your school give really hard tasks sometimes that impacts concentration? In my school, they just give task sheets and expect us to do them by ourselves. At school, I have the same problem with concentration, when the teacher is gone I just play games on my laptop lol because most of our work is on the laptop or I scribble in my book.

Was it helpful being with the mental health guys? Do you have to tell your teacher to see them?

In my school you do, which really defeats the purpose of getting help as you may not want to tell your teacher. But I think it was last week, a teacher asked me if I was doing ok and it was the first time someone did that. I ended up telling him about my suicidal thoughts and surprisingly he didn't call my parents. It was the first time I felt safe actually talking to someone about this, but I regret doing it because now I feel like he avoids talking to me now.

I agree people are judgemental and mean, also two-faced too.

I agree the be yourself thing, is bs. I understand how you feel about caring about how others think, its so frustrating not knowing whether they actually like you or not.

I am really glad that your appointment was good :). I understand what you mean how if she tells your parents you are screwed, same thing here. Do you have to fake being happy at home?

I really hope you open up more in your next appointment.

I love how you said 'We all are just stuck in these bodies with no idea what we're doing', it is so true. I wish we could tell how people were actually feeling, maybe we would feel less lonely.

The past few weeks haven't been great, I got rejected after another interview for a job, things at home and school are the same, I have to go to transition things for the new school that i hate and I gained more weight. I am sick of all this.

How are you? How is school?

I hope you are doing well.

Thank you for being my friend. I appreciate your friendship beyond measure.

Thank you for everything,

Your friend,

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi April,

I just wanted to ask, how are you going?

Your friend,

Neerja

[Croix]

Dear Neerja -plus of course April if you are listening.

It is a surprise and gladden one's heart when someone asks how you are, listens to the answer and then reacts sensibly without hitting the panic button.

If that teacher is one you particularly like or value why no tell him exactly that -you felt better after he asked, he was a good listener and that made you feel better too, and he did not go overboard in reacting -something that stops you talking to lots of people.

You could say you are still the same person, and still here, and you would be sad if your frankness made him wish to avoid you as his presence can be something you value.

Do you think this is too much to say? As an educator over very many years I would find that approach mature, non threatening and feel pleased to be of help.

For both of you, Neerja and April, being isolated and not able to talk frankly with others is not a good thing, you feel separated from others and alone

Sumo Cat is sort of nodding, though if that is in agreement, or just going to sleep is had to tell. He had a bad time chased by a dog the other day but now seems no worse for the fright, still heads for his favorite cushion and takes up his supervisory duties.

I have no idea why but he insists on sleeping on my feet on the bed cover at night. He weighs a ton and one certainly knows he is there. I try to nudge hm to one side, but he always wriggles back. I guess I'm stuck with squashed feet

Always, you are welcome here.

Croix

[Guest_1643]

Hi April - I will read through ur thread to see how u are - just wanted to say hello and see how ur doing with end of school

Hi Neerja, I'd love to read more of ur poems if u have new ones 🙂

How is ur Summer going, and the end of school? Done with that horrible cousellor? Thinking of u,

Sleepy

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

it does feel quite nice when someone does not hit the panic button because that just makes you feel worse than before. No one at school had ever asked me how I was doing so it felt nice.

You are right going overboard in reacting is something people are definitely afraid of. Like the school counsellor.

I would not be able to talk to the teacher again because the school I go to was prep to year 9 and everyone has to move to other schools near this one.

That is terrible that Sumo Cat got chased by a dog. But it is good that no matter what he is loyal to his supervisory duties.

Hahaha that is really funny how Sumo squashes your feet and won't move!

How are you?

I hope you and your family are doing well.

Thank you for everything Croix.

[hellohi]

Hi Sleepy,

I have given up writing poems for now

But I would really love to read your poems!

Holidays have been ok. I got a call for a Target interview and after the interview, I got rejected right after. But today I found out that I got accepted for McDonalds. At least now I will have something to do that will distract me from everything, but I am scared to work because I know I am going to mess up and then get fired. I now have to play basketball because my parents paid for the season that got cancelled due to Covid during the end of last year and start of this year. I don't want to play anymore, I don't have any energy to play now.

I'm finally done with the school counsellor and I never going to talk to a counsellor again after this. I am really glad that it is over.

How are you?

I hope you and your family are doing well.

Thank you everything Sleepy.