I want to ask for help
We're so glad you were able to think of a happy memory. That's so important at a time when it's clear you're struggling and we know it isn't easy. As we've mentioned alongside others here there is always help available to you and we'd encourage you to reach out to as many of the supports mentioned as often as you need.
Here's a quick list to remind you of some of then:
BeyondBlue support service: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service (for if and when your concerns relate to the pandemic restrictions): https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/
And of course, please keep reaching out to us here whenever you feel up to it.
Hi April (hi to you too Neerja and a wave to Croix)
I have been reading your posts and have not really felt like my suggestions were helping, the wonderful support that Neerja and yourself are giving to each other and this is so heartwarming and is the very essence of this forum.
I can see that Croix has given you really awesome support, I have just read what you wrote about why should one be taken or go to emergency when they are dying or planning to...I wanted to just share some of my thoughts with you, I really do care about you April and I know you don't agree but you matter, you are so very worthwhile and we can see this and we believe in you.
I think that life is mostly a journey of wonderful, interesting, sad, horrific, questioning, evolving events that make up a time of one person. I think life is precious and when there is a threat to that life we have a duty to intervene. I hear what you are saying in that if one wants to die, why don't we just let them? What if in that moment when they are very close to dying they realize it is not what they wanted at all. What if in that moment they realize that they do have people who love them, people who they love, that life can get better. People care very much about others and this is why we have emergency services, to come to people who are in crisis, who are feeling so much pain that they only see one way out. There is help and support, it does take time to move from a place of total darkness to a place where you can see hope and you can maybe consider that there are better days ahead, I have not been there but I have learnt so much here April, your life will not always be this hard, this painful and full of this much hurt, so why should we say goodbye to a life that can get better, that will change, life constantly changes. I have also read some books about people who have survived attempts on their lives, one thing was common in that in the moment when they did realize it was soon going to be over, they didn't want it to be, that they were regretful and didn't want death.
These are just my thoughts and opinions April and I am just so beyond sorry that you are in so much pain. I hear you in what you are saying in that how can things get better when the very thing causing you pain is living with you, your feelings about yourself. It takes time to learn to love yourself, please afford yourself that time, to find out who you are and to love every bit of it, you deserve that, you are worth that.
Wow! Singing classes sound so cool, your happy memory does not sound dumb and I am really happy to hear that you liked feeling this sense of a safe environment.
That sounds like a lot of assignments, I hope you get them finished and take breaks. I have an essay due on Monday. Then more assignments are coming up next week for me.
I know what you mean about failing and your parents finding out, that is the same reason that stops me too.
I am really glad you feel that you did okay for your maths test. Wow, drama classes sound so good, I used to have them in primary school. I bet your drama film, was really good.
Do you have a favourite subject? Are you still able to talk to your drama teacher?
I am trying to be included and socialise because in my school people gossip if you sit or walk alone, which is really annoying and painful. Last year, my 'friends' used to brag for going on holidays and their weight, scoff at me, take my answers, use me, leave me out in conversions and more. So, I tried to stay away from them and played basketball by myself, that didn't go well for me. I don't what to do, I don't like most of my 'friends' and I can't be alone and 2 people that I actually get along with, have other friends. Today was alright I guess, the school counsellor had a meeting with me, talked to me about my death thoughts, friends and homeschooling stuff, which wasn't that helpful, made me feel worse actually, she told me I wasn't alone because I had friends, but she didn't even consider how they treat me, I played games in school (we had a free session today), left out with friends and don't how my friends actually are and have a headache again today. Sorry about the rant.
How was your day today?
I am really, really glad that you are able to visit your grandparents, I hope they get better. How are they doing?
I don't think my grandmother likes me for not spending enough time with her. My dad was angry with me for doing that too. It makes me hate myself even more.
Thank you, April, you are a wonderful person to talk to, you have made me feel less alone.
Thank you again,
I hate myself for not spending enough time with her, I feel really guilty, I don't know why.
I am really worried about asking my parents, but I might ask my school counsellor for help too. My mum doesn't like my dad's side and vice versa. I don't want to cause an argument. I have already caused so much damage, I don't want to do more.
I usually spent hours after school and weekends doing my assignments. I try my hardest to submit them all on time. But I just get stressed out with the amount I get.
Sorry I meant, brother. But I call my cousins brothers too. My actual brother is 5, but we don't have that good of relationship. My mum spends most of her with him, I really wish she could spare some time she spends with him and spend it with me too. My cousins and I aren't close, they live in a different country, I don't have their contact information and we meet every about 4 or more years.
How are you doing, Croix?
Thank you and warm wishes,
I understand what you mean, I don't wish for anyone to commit suicide, and I hope you don't think that's what I mean. In January of 2018, a Dutch woman named Aurelia Brouwers was allowed to end her life with the help of a doctor. She was not terminally ill, yet she was allowed to be euthanised due to a long history of many different mental illnesses including severe depression, anxiety, 'hearing voices'(this is in her wording, i don't know if it also had a diagnosis) and BPD. What is your opinion on this?
I honestly don't know what else to say, I've said everything. I'm sad, I'm suicidal, I'm a bad person and all that matters to me is what other people think. It's my fault I'm not happy.
Well, your happy memory reminded me of one of mine, we seem to have a couple of things in common. I think I probably mentioned I went to a lot of schools and all but one were long-term unpleasant. There was one however where the emphasis was on singing, which was pretty amazing. They took singing as seriously as math.
I ended up in the choir and the lessons were not that easy, but mastering the techniques and being responsible for a voice that soared into the rafters (treble) was unforgettable. I make every mistake in the book, off key, swallow vowels, breath control all over the place, but it was fun! The instructor was a gentlman who had lost a leg during the war, but still played piano and knew exactly what one was doing wrong and sang examples exaggerating my faults, as well as perfect versions. Gentle humor plus nobody to criticize plus a freind.
A golden time
With your psych I can understand your fears, which are stifling the truth. Ok you tell the psych, the psych tells your parents. What do they do then? BUT if the illness is never known then it is never treated. All you have is wishful thinking. Look, I'm sorry to be blunt about it. However I too, for different reasons, hid my wanting to kill myself and tried.
I simply got worse, life became truly horrible. In fact it got do bad that out of pure desperation -plus an insight into how distorted my thinking had become, that made me tell someone else. Then the medics took over and over time I improved until I'm good. I worked on it like you did with the brownies, until I got a mix that worked.
They say to go to A&E for several reasons, first is where else? Second there is a good chance if you do go you will live, third, and this is what you might like to take note of. All these people, nurses, doctors, attendants and all sorts. All with lives. All busy. Some may have troubles but they have found the thing you haven't yet, that life can be sweet, and that makes up for the rest.
I ask you for happy memories, not so you can put them in a balance and see if life or death weighs more, but to give you glimpses of how things can be.
I'd like you to beleive there is hope, no matter what things are like just now.
You have good instincts, if that group makes you think twice then maybe the inconvenience of trying to find places to be alone outweighs being in their influence. You are also helping Neerja.
Hang in, I did and it worked out
Sometimes psychs are dumb, and I guess you see that, not taking into account how your friends behave. Maybe there are two meanings of freinds. Those you might hang around wiht but can be mean petty, exclusionary and look down on you, and those that want to build you up, look after you, make your life OK -and hope from hte same from you. Plus fun to be wiht if possible.
I think seeing your councilor might be a good plan, plus can I suggest you say how stressed you are about your parents (whch is obvious from your words) and about the number of assignments -which you did mention
Perhaps your psych has not thought of this. In 8 schools I had maybe 4 good friends , everywhere were the other sort.
I don't now why it is but if parents argue and don't get on, for wahtever reason, the kids can feel guilty- more often than not for many. No reason for it. A few take sides. I don't know which is worse. I was like that and regrettable took sides wiht my mother, I wish I hadn't.
The point I'm working towards it is the parents (i.e.adults) who are doing the arguing or wahtever and not seeing the effect on their kids. So whose fault is it really?
I'm glad you get on with April, you both need another with the same sort of hassles.
I do try to be open with her, but I am scared she will call my parents again. I don't who to trust anymore.
Are you still in contact with your 4 good friends?
I feel a bit stressed and unsure when asked what side to choose, I don't want to make the wrong decision and lose the other.
Warm wishes and thanks for talking to me,
You might be okay with sharing this, you might not and I don't mind, but how did you get out of it? Recently I've been trying to find something to look forward to but I'm struggling. I used to see a future for myself, but I don't any more.
Recently, a girl from my group has become even more toxic and was getting annoyed at me for not dating her asI had told her I liked her months ago. She has become worse and if I don't do what she wants, she tries to guilt me into it.
My suicidal thoughts are getting worse and I don't really know what to do. I've made a safety plan with a counsellor through the khl webchat and I admitted to her that safety planning felt like we were just prolonging my pain and postponing my death because everyone dies one day. She offered to call an ambulance which shocked me.my mental health isn't bad enough that I'd need an ambulance is it?
As always, thanks for your support
Good luck with your essay! I luckily don't have any at the moment, just at home assessments.
I quite like doing drama, although I didn't get a very nice teacher. We have five or six drama teachers in the high school and three in primary. The primary ones are pretty much all nice. A good majority of the high school ones are awful but when I get a good one it's really fun. I think my favourite subject would be art. My teacher is really nice and doesn't mind that I'm not very good.
I know what you mean about the gossiping. I go to a performing arts school so everyone is over dramatic and most people love to gossip. Is there a teacher you get along with who's room you can sit in? I used to do that but people started sitting in front of the door so I was scared to. I understand that you want to sit with people who are kind and appreciate you. You could try sitting with the nicer friends, see what happens. Otherwise, you could make new friends if possible. If not, unfortunately you'll have to pick between sitting with the toxic friends or by yourself. Sorry if I'm not much help.
My day was pretty boring. I cleaned out a cupboard and listened to my parents talk about what to do now that my dad has lost his job. We went out for greek food which was nice, although my family doesn't last very long at one table.
Ah yes, school counsellors. The worst of the worst. They can be helpful, but usually they're not that great and have a lack of understanding. I hope your counsellor is helpful, at least some of the time. How are you feeling now?
I haven't seen my grandparent in a year or so but they're alive so I'll go with that.
Even if your grandmother was annoyed about it, if you contacted her I'm sure she would appreciate it. She can't get annoyed at you for contacting her.
You are such a sweet person and I am thankful I get to speak to you