I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[____]

Hello Croix

I'm currently at school and I'm kind of tempted to talk to someone today, but I won't have much of an opportunity. For some reason today has been much worse than usual. It's been going extremely slowly and every little thing is irritating me.

I can be an awful person, I lie to people so they don't 'abandon' me. When I don't feel great I lash out sometimes, so I do think my death would give a lot of people relief.

I think I will write a letter, but I don't know how, and there's always the chance he immediately tells the school welfare minister who calls my parents which will result in me most definitely committing suicide, as I will lose the little privacy and life I have. If i write the letter, i will definitely make sure he knows that i do not want my parents involved. If it went well, what would he be able to do?

Thank you for continuing to reply, it's been very helpful.I've struggle to see any way out of this other than suicide but I just want to at least try, and your responses are helping.

Thanks,

April

[Croix]

Dear April~

When I've wanted to kill myself I've genuinely believed there was no way out. Of course I was wrong, though realizing that came after help arrived.

The things you list as making you an 'awful' person are just another way of saying you are a human being. OF COURSE you fib or put on a false face so you are not abandoned. There would be very few people that have not. When you have a great need any ploy might be necessary. In theory it might be fine never to lie, but this is the real world.

As for lashing out, when things get overwhelming instinct takes over, and often it is to lash out at the people closest to us. If you are up to it apologize afterwards. The pressure you are under is going to make you overwhelmed at times, no argument about that.

None of that, or even more if you have left bits out, stops me thinking those things I said about you in my last post, you are worth a lot!

I've been in those situations and acted just as you - please do not put unrealistic demands on yourself, it will only make you feel worse even though you are doing what is to be expected.

What will he do? I don't know, he may feel he is obliged to report your state. You will probably have an influence by what you say who he reports it to.

Although an attractive option because you like him please don't discount taking action yourself, at least that way you are in control. Headspace and Suicide Call Back Service are the two I'd chose, phone or email or chat.

If you are thinking of writing a letter, you could always email it to one of them.

I would think the long term aim is to get you to have regular medical support away from the school environment and with your parents in a position where you did not feel threatened so that you want to kill yourself

Would you agree abut that?

As you have said your parents are part of the problem it may well be that they are informed but asked to keep their distance for a while. It really is too open ended a situation to guess, so I do not know.

One day, if you wanted to you might like to say what it is about your parents knowing that drives you to want to die, I'd listen with sympathy. You could tell me what has kept you going being wiht them and wanting to die.

If there was one thing you really liked, from TikToks to comics to anything at all, I'd like to know that too.

Croix

[____]

Croix

I don't actually have tiktok, my parents are quite strict. I'm not allowed games or social media, which means i can't relate to other people my age and it's partly why i struggle to have friends. My mother makes fun of me and does not respect my boundaries or privacy with her excuse being 'i am your mother'. She once barged into my room while i was getting dressed (i was fully naked) and demanded my phone because i can't have it in my room. it was charging. She stood there with her hand out for my phone while i stood there in shock, still naked. I gave her my phone and i did not see it again for a month. She is a bad mother and a bad person.

My father on the other hand barely exists, as he's always working or on his laptop which i don't mind as i wouldn't want to talk to him, but if i ever did, he would have no idea what to do. I'm seriously oversharing here but I'm just gonna go with it. The last time my mother realised i was suicidal, she said she would sleep in my room and follow me around as if that's going to make me want to kill myself any less.

I've lost any idea of what i like, i don't do anything anymore. I wake up, go to school, come home, attempt my assessments, maybe watch a show on Netflix and go cry until i fall asleep. I guess some things i like are grey's anatomy and baking, but i don't enjoy them as much as i used to. I have two gorgeous cats, one of them is my cat. He hates everyone except for me and doesn't mind when i cry. He has helped me a lot, however a lot of the time he's upstairs which is also where my mother resides and I do not dare venture that close to that woman.

I've never actually heard of the suicide call back service, I'll do some research on it.

thanks,

April

[Sophie_M]

Hey April,

Thank you so much for keeping us updated on how you're going. It sounds like things are quite stressful and tense at home, and we are so sorry that things are so overwhelming for you. We're glad to hear that you can find some comfort in your two lovely cats and baking- is there anything in particular that you love to make? We just want to let you know that we are currently checking in with you via email as we are still worried about you.

We hope you know that there are no limits to how many times you contact support services like Suicide Call Back Service and Headspace or Kids Helpline. The Suicide Call Back Service and Kids Helpline also have 24/7 Webchat available if you'd like to chat online. 



 

[smallwolf]

hi. we have a cat in our family - you said your cat hates everyone except you. Our cat hides when strangers come to the door. The real reason why I mentioned the family cat (it was supposed to be the kids cat but I was the one to look after it) is the cat was put on my list of reasons to live. While only comes our for food was or is the only "person" non-judgemental.

recently my psychologist gave me a list of 300 things (activities) to do. I have to pick some things to do again.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Mental-Health-Professionals/Depression/Depression---Inf...

I don't know if any of these would appeal to to you. I have also found that I have to force myself to do some activities that after a while become enjoyable if only for that time.

I also know of another kid that sounds like you parents with respect to your phone. They are overly protective. I hope that it not 'having' a phone sometime interfere with friendships.

It is sad you don't seem to have any relationship with you dad. I hope you don't mind me asking this question - I know you said you would not want to talk to your dad because he is always on his laptop but what would happen if you did ask him what he was doing? or what barriers are there to stop you?

if you don't want to answer my questions, that's cool. I just want you to know I am listening.

[Guest_1643]

Hi April

I feel like my parents had similar approaches to you, and I could never get any space. My dad used to listen to my phone calls and read my internet chats - so I know about feeling like you have to hide from them.
I'm sorry you are in this situation, it's hard when they are so controlling and I know you said it can make it harder to make friends and enjoy the same activities as your friends because you don't have the same freedoms.

Re the drama teacher or any adult I had a few ideas - i thought maybe you could initiate by asking him for resources on mental health. That is a gentle way to start the conversation. You can see how he responds. It's okay to start slow and not reveal everything at once.

I also think it's okay to try and find ways to do this without yur family, we are here for you.

My family really made it hard for me to get help, also. They told me if I went to a psychologist everyone would brand me as sick... they tried to scare me off from the world etc... The reality is there are some good, caring people out there and seeking help is so brave and positive. i am glad you shared here. I think you have a lot to give and I'm happy to have been priveleged to hear your story here. Hope you're okay over the weekend xx

Sleepy

[____]

hi small wolf

i've had a quick skim through the list and i like some of the things on it. I'll go through it properly once I've finished writing this. i don't have many activities that I actually enjoy so i think i will be very helpful.

I used to be close to him but he's become less of a dad. He just lives in our house and does his own thing. I've been becoming close enough to him where we can talk but he just isn't my dad, and i can't ever imagine hugging either of my parents let alone telling them i loved them (which i seriously don't). I used to be close to him but we both slowly backed away. He can be just as bad as my mother sometimes, and I'm scared if i become too close I'll have to put up with having two awful parents rather than one awful parent and one non-existent parent. It sounds dumb i know.

Thanks,

April

[Croix]

Dear April~

This has been an all-serious conversation do far, maybe for a moment I'll talk about something else.

I live in a cooler climate and I'm sitting in front of a wood fire. It is cosy, particularity as it is raining outside.

The room only has a gentle glow from the fire and from a lamp above my shoulder that lets me see my laptop. Off to my left is a sofa, and on it a pile of blankets. On top of the blankets is Sumo Cat, who is pretending to supervise but is actually asleep.

Just an eye opens occasionally, perhaps to reassure him I'm still here, perhaps to make sure I'm busy typing. He is an important and imposing cat, is far to dignified to ask.

Sumo cat was not always that way, you might like to hear how he got his name

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qltLoXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

I know, not answering your problems, but sometimes a change can restore, did I offer the right thing?

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hi April

I hope you don't mind me jumping in on your thread, I have been reading your posts and seeing the wonderful support that you have received from this fantastic community. I wanted to echo what Croix has mentioned to you and that is that you could write a note to your teacher whom you trust, it may not be all the details to start with but enough that he starts a conversation with you, which of course makes it easier on you. You could also call out all of the outcomes that you do not wish to happen, that you prefer your parents were not involved in knowing of your thoughts and that in the past they have known and the support was not sufficient. I was sorry to read that your mother's solution was to keep watch on you, I get that but the other part would have been to seek some support for you. I see you have some support from a Psychologist and this is fantastic. Can I suggest to you though that your support people are of best help to you when they know the bigger picture, you could ask them what their obligation to "tell you parents is" and this might help you to share more than you have been. That by sharing your thoughts about suicide might actually lead to some really good help from your therapist.

I also wanted to comment about what you said about being an awful person, I dont see you as awful at all, we all have parts of our lives that we wish were different, so making a 'story" if you like to protect your feelings or to give you some comfort does not make you an awful person April.

I also wanted to say that your mother entering your room and demanding your phone is very uncomfortable for you and also disrespects your boundaries. Every person has the right to privacy and one's bedroom is I believe that space. I understand she wanted your phone, but to knock and to ask if it is ok to come in would have given you the chance to at least dress. I am sorry this happened to you. Your privacy has not been considered here and that is not acceptable.

I think you can see here by the support you have been receiving that you do matter, you are worth a happy life and you are a very intelligent young woman with a lot on her plate. I am just so proud you reached out for someone to chat to here.

As I mentioned I have nothing really ground breaking to say other than we do care and we are here for you April.

Hugs

Sarah

[____]

Hey Sarah

I've somehow slowly talked myself out of getting help in person. But the thing is I'm just getting worse. I have antidepressants but they make me numb, and while there was a point where I was happy (I accidentally took four instead of two pills) I felt guilty. I felt like I shouldn't be happy. I sound like I'm insane but I just can't do this anymore. My life isn't even that awful. I have a few friends, I exercise, I have good teachers, I go to a good school, my parents can't be as bad as I say, my sister loves them. But at the same time, I wake up every morning and tell myself 'all I have to do is make it through the day' so I make it through without crying or doing anything and I get home and cry because every night I realize I have to do the same thing tomorrow, and every tomorrow after that, but I don't want to. I just want the cycle to stop. I hate who I am and I wish I could start life again. I would be nicer, hang out with people who make me feel good about myself. I'd stop feeling sorry for myself and do something. I wouldn't start stress eating so I wouldn't be trying to lose weight now. Sometimes looking at other people makes me cry. I think how happy they are and how well they've done, and how I shouldn't even be here. That got quite dark and I'm so sorry. What makes this whole post even more ridiculous, is I'm in pdhpe trying not to cry while everyone else is doing just dance to a song called 'make it jingle' in which they're all just twerking. The support on here has been helpful, and I'm very thankful for it as without it, I probably wouldn't have made it this far.

April