Hi smallbutstrong
I feel so deeply for you as you face a significant turning point in your life. I'm so glad you've heard from 3 incredibly supportive people on the forums here who have made a difference to so many people over time. I've found good guides are key to helping establish a sense of direction we can be so desperate to find at certain times in life.
I always wondered why alcohol was classed as a depressant until I eventually researched the reasons. The impact it has on our central nervous system, chemistry, inner dialogue and other factors helps explain how it acts as a depressant. I'd say it's also a suppressant, suppressing the part of us that would normally scream out 'Whatever you do, DO NOT TO THAT!'. With alcohol, that inner voice can be completely drowned out. While I faced a similar challenge to you back when I was in my late 20s (I'm now a 53yo gal), I can say life immediately after that regretful choice definitely feels different for a while. There can be a lot of incredibly challenging emotions that can come about, some maybe we've never faced before or maybe we've faced similar emotions but not that level of intensity. For example, I recall feeling a sense of shame (an emotion I'd felt before) but never at such an intense level. I had no idea how to manage it at that level. I think certain emotions ease over time based on us being able to make better sense of our choices and what lies behind them. Through greater self understanding we can develop greater levels of self compassion.
I imagine there's something that lies behind the choice you made. While it may not be completely obvious, you could see this as a wake up call to some things that might need some serious addressing before they become so intense you struggle to manage them during sober times. Whether it relates to stuff that's happened in the past that might be starting to come to the forefront or it's an overall sense of feeling completely lost in life (to the point where it's starting to become seriously depressing in a lot of different ways), I've found things that call for our attention don't suddenly go away by themselves. If anything, they tend to grow in intensity until we eventually address them. It's kind of like an issue whispers to us, then over time it calls a little louder, then it begins screaming until it finally becomes deafening and completely unbearable. Back in the days when I managed depression with alcohol to some degree (definitely not a good move), my issues would whisper to me in ways I just didn't fully hear. Then, by the time I'd had a number of drinks, those issues would be screaming and clear. So, in the space of hours I could go from 'Life's hard to manage' to 'I just don't know how to live anymore'.
Turning points in life can be incredibly challenging, highly emotional and almost unbearable at times. Now that you're at your turning point, finding the best guides for direction can help you determine where to go from here, which way to turn. Life changing turning points can feel almost impossible to manage on our own. That is their nature.
