I'm 13, and feeling like my world is collapsing.

[Guest_09139841]

I'm 13, and I do home-schooling. Me, and my mum, had a discussion about whether home-schooling would be better than normal school, because i was feeling depressed and suicidal in term 1 of this year. We agreed that it would be a good idea as my mum described it as a fun experience, due to the 'control' I'll have, and the 'activities' I can do.

Fast forward to now.

I've been doing home-schooling since term 2 this year, and at first It was fun. Me and my good friends were still very close as we live close to each other, and I'd still ride to school with them. Later though, during the term, I started to notice the amount of work I have to do, the lack of control I have, and the groups/activities were non-existent. This led me to questioning my mum about it, and, according to the website they were doing updates to it. I was told that they would be up soon.

They are still down. 

The lack of freedom and people i have to communicate with, made it very hard to stay motivated to do my full-amount of school work. This inevitably led to me stressing, and struggling to make time to hang out with my friends, which have led to me feeling depressed, as this is my last year with them before they leave. I have expressed my emotions to my mum and dad, but I haven't made it exactly clear to them that I am feeling extremely depressed and suicidal.

I recently re-lapsed into self harm again after almost an year without it, and I feel extremely disappointed in myself. I desperately want to tell my parents that I need help, but I'm too scared to.

This has caused the following:

• Feeling unfit and unhealthy 
• Not eating enough 
• Falling behind on school work
• Stressing
• Anxiety 
• Sadness
• Feeling mentally sick

I'm not sure how much longer I can endure this, and I'm feeling so desperate to hurt myself even more than I already am.

I am also an introvert, and that makes it harder for me to communicate my emotions to other people like therapists.

I feel so bad, and I'm sure my friends are sick of me having a mental breakdown In there messages at 1am all the time.

I regret starting home-schooling.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I’m sorry to read that you're feeling this way. I also want you to know that it takes courage to open up like this, and share what has been going on for you in this space.

As you have likely worked out... there are pros and cons with both normal (?) school as homeschooling. And for you right now, it seems it is not what you expected and also feeling disconnected from friends.

You deserve support, and it’s okay to feel nervous about talking to your parents or a therapist. You mentioned your age, and my son was scared to tell me some stuff when he was 20ish. All I'm trying to say is that your feeling nervous is normal.

I was the same when I was in my teen years. What I was to write it down and give the note to my mum at the time. I was too embarrassed to talk to them about the topic.

so...

Maybe starting small, like writing down what you’re going through to share with them, could help them understand how much you’re struggling.

There are people who genuinely want to help you feel better, and reaching out can be a powerful first step. Listening if you want to chat more...