I feel so messed up

[miss888]

My life is a mess. No friends, no job, bugger all savings left, relationship is on the edge, no extended family, narcissistic cruel mother, my children seem to not care at all about me yet I’m always there for them, depressed, severely anxious, C-PTSD, chronic illness, social anxiety, suicidal because I just can’t see any way out of this mess. I always feel like I’m standing on the outside looking in at people enjoying their lives. I feel like a burden on my partner and feel like everyone would be better off without me. I have tried to see doctors- they are all the same… cold, uncaring, completely detached (DGAF). Psychologists are even worse, with their sterile and robotic responses or worse, their silent judgements that make you feel worse about yourself. I have also tried CBT, gratitude journalling, exercise, yoga, hypnosis, meditation, mindfulness, reiki, counselling, shadow work, inner child work, trauma therapy… and still im a depressed mess who can’t get it together. 
Why the hell am I here? What is the purpose of this ‘life’? To suffer endlessly? To watch everyone else get ahead? I want to live but it feels everyone hates me including the damn world. I’m circling the drain… 

[Sophie_M]

Hey miss888,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can understand how difficult it must be to feel this way, and we really appreciate you being open and sharing what's going on for you right now.  
 
Is there anyone that you feel able to discuss this in person with? We’d encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. 
 
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with existing supports, following a safety plan, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).  
 
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much pain and hopelessness right now. It sounds like life has been profoundly unfair and you feel lonely, unsupported and exhausted from fighting.

While I don't have easy answers, please know that you still matter. Your life has value, even when it's hard to see. The world is better with you in it. And small steps forward still count. Your life has meaning, even when you can't feel it. Sending you much love and encouragement. Listening if you want to chat more ...