I don’t see a future for myself

[Graceland]

Hi, I’m currently 18 and graduated high school last year. Early in my senior year I started to have severe panic attacks and became depressed as i reported to my teacher that my brother sexually assaulted me growing up. This was a clear memory that I’d always had but until I got older I did not know that what he had done was not normal or not okay because I trusted him. My mum also knew and didn’t tell anyone or do anything, but he only did it once. After I reported it I had to tell my dad (live with only dad, parents separated) and it was horrible because I hate seeing him upset. Since then it’s progressively got worse and I attempted suicide 3 weeks ago. This may sound silly but I feel embarrassed that it didn’t work because I hate attention and the thought of being an attention seeker. But since then, I think about dying every day. I’m just constantly exhausted and It’s not that I can’t do it anymore, it’s that I don’t want to. I have no interest in growing old, and I have the view that we literally die anyway and life makes no difference because in 100 or 1000 years no one will remember you or the earth will be dead so what’s the point. I’m not living for myself, I’m living for my loved ones around me. But anyway Idk why I posted but I just don’t have much else I can do

[Sophie_M]

Hi Graceland,

Welcome to our online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. Thank you for your courage in reaching out. What you have been through and are still going through is extremely difficult and it's understandable you are wondering about the point of everything. Are you aware of Beyond Blue's support service? We would really encourage you to get in touch with one of our professional counsellors to have a chat. We can be reached 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on email and Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

If you ever feel you may act on your thoughts of suicide again, it is really important to take steps to keep yourself safe, you can do this by:

- Attending the Emergency Department of your local hospital
- Calling 000 (triple zero)
- Speaking with us - we can arrange for you to be taken to hospital

- Beyond Blue
 
 

[Helarctus]

Hello Graceland,

Someone you trusted has done something to hurt you, this was not your fault.

What they did should not define you or the rest of your family.

That you have been able to express yourself here might seem like a small step, but others will read what you have posted and be able to come forward with renewed strength to talk about what has happened to them an heal.

Regards,

Helarctus

[Boudica]

Hello Graceland,

I'm so glad you decided to reach out to talk to us on the BB forum.

I'm so sorry about what has happened to you. I too was sexually assaulted as a girl. I did not tell anyone, and tried to carry on, but I struggled with feelings of guilt and shame and grief. I had panic attacks and nightmares and became completely isolated as I did not feel I could talk to anyone about it and I felt so different from my peers.

Like you, I also tried to commit suicide (when I was 16). At the time, life seemed bleak and heavy and I could see no future for myself, so I tried to escape. But I want you to know that the emptiness is temporary and things can change and get better, and with support you can navigate through the hurt and find your way back to life again.

[Boudica]

Hi Graceland,

How are things going for you? Remember that we are here any time you feel like talking or just to vent.