I Don't Know What to do or Think Anymore

[Amberstar]

I am new here. I am female, 26 and a university graduate, as well as a TAFE graduate. Since the beginning of 2020 my mental health has spiraled. I have always suffered from anxiety, and was diagnosed with GAD as a teenager. However, it wasn't until Feb 2020 (about two weeks after my 25th birthday no less) that I finally got diagnosed with Autism (and major depression).

I have never been good at forming or maintaining relationships. During my adolescence I had no frame of reference for why everything social was so hard. I was severely bullied to the point I had virtually no friends until my last two years of school. I keep in contact with 2 of them, my third closest friend I met at uni. At present all 3 hardly speak to me, I go months at a time without hearing from them, if that.

My family is completely torn on both sides. Legal drama on my fathers' side has ruined my relationships with my two cousins there, my grandparents on his side are both diseased; a strong feud on my mothers' side has basically completely cut my mother and I off from my cousins and auntie. I am in contact with my Grandad, but our relationship is very superficial and we never have more than smalltalk. I live with my nan and I am very close to her, but she is so much older that she has a hard time helping me and she shouldn't have to at this point.

I am an only child so I have no siblings to turn to. Both my parents suffer from anxiety and depression themselves (they have both been clinically diagnosed, so I was destined to be the same, really).

Since the pandemic hit, I have felt completely isolated. I have been forgotten by friends and family alike. Nobody contacts me, and that is not for lack of me making an effort - I used to, but slowly stopped because the responses I got were always curt or otherwise the conversation just stops because they have more important things to focus on. I am unemployed, I was trying to find work just before the pandemic hit but that stopped any traction I might have gained and because of my disability I doubt I will ever hold a job (I have never worked previously). I have never been in a romantic relationship and nobody has ever expressed any interest in me in that way.

I have no one to turn to, no one that cares. The voices in my head telling me to end it are getting louder and more frequent. I have thought of ways, but I have never attempted because I have a phobia of death. It is probably the only warring part of my mind that is stopping me.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Amberstar,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community tonight and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 
 

[Amberstar]

Just for more context, I have been seeing counsellors/psychs since I was 13. Why I didn't get my ASD disgnosis until adulthood I couldn't tell you, except for maybe the fact I was female.

I was seeing a psych through 2020, but my appoints with her towards the end of the year became sporadic until in March she abruptly resigned from the practice and I didn't know what to do. I am not currently seeing anyone. I am on the NDIS, but I have felt too overwhelmed to try and organise anything. I just can't do it by myself, and nobody in my immediate circle is able to help me like that. My parents are both too mentally unstable themselves to be of much help.

Tonight I had an episode. I was crying and screaming. It was after my father told me over the phone to go into my room and do nothing so I wouldn't be a bother to my mother and grandmother who I live with. It just felt like confirmation that I would be better off not existing, because I just cause problems for everybody.

My mum came to try and calm me, but instead she got angry and walked off, which made me feel like even more of a burden. I got my keys and left the house. I live near the beach so I just randomly pulled into one of the caravan sites off the highway and sat there for about 5 minutes before realising my phone was about to die and driving back in a haze.

I truly believe nobody would care, excluding my parents and my nan) if I wasn't here. Nobody reached out or shows any kind of desire to see how I am or interest in me. They are happy to ignore me until they either need something, or an event (like my birthday or theirs) rolls around. Barring that, I don't get spared a thought. And if I do, they never act on it.

I am on antidepressants have have been for several years, I just changed to new ones and have been taking them for about a week but I don't think they are making much of a difference.

I just want one person to love me and not treat me like I'm a hassle, or a burden, or get upset at the fact that I am so miserable and can't hold it in anymore. But I don't think I can find anyone because my autism makes it so hard for me to connect with people, and my depression and anxiety being so bad right now makes it outright impossible to be anything but unhappy, and as I have been told too many time, nobody wants to hear it.

[Dejena]

I just want to let u know some reasons not to commit suicide:
1. You are important
2. You are not worthless
3. You matter
4. You are NEVER alone
5. Nobody else can be you
6. You have a potential
7. Better days are coming
8. The sun
9. Your loved ones will never get over it
10. It will leave unanswered questions
11. You will be missed
12. You have a story that needs to be told
13. There are places that you haven't traveled to
14. New movies are coming out
15. The next season of your favorite show

[geoff]

Hello Amberstar, thanks for posting your comment and hope we will be able to provide some help for you.

Depressed parents are at times unable to help with what's going on with their offspring, their children, only because they are having trouble themselves to overcome their own problem/s, so their understanding and being able to help solve a situation is not possible, that isn't their fault but certainly disappoints the person they're trying to help who can't comprehend why.

There can be some sort of overlap between autism and OCD and please have a look to see if this relates to your position.

Best wishes.

Geoff.