I am trapped inside a box with no way out

[DeepBlueOceans]

I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD roughly eight years ago during middle school. I have been to 10 or so psychologists in my lifetime and have struggled to connect with them; much life other people. I feel that my interests and values are too esoteric from the norm for someone my age (M/23). I experienced by first relationship in 2018 but due to the impact of my antidepressants I was unable to fully connect to them due to sexual dysfunction (caused by the medication).

I have trialed six or so antidepressants to try to find one that doesn't have those side effects and helps me to feel more stable, but my psychiatrist wants me to continue on these ones for another month to see if they get better. The problem is that I will never accept them even if they help me feel better as I will always be missing a part of me that helps me to connect to a future partner. I have violent mood swings where I enter a deep depression and say hurtful things to my family. I think that I'm punishing myself by trying to push them away further and further.

My psychiatrist offered a plan b if the current antidepressant won't work and that is to consider mood stabilisers. Since I learnt about them, I have been obsessed to read about them and I have absorbed multiple journals of information about their efficacy and lack of sexual side effects. I really don't know what to do because I emailed my psychiatrist to ask if I can consider jumping straight to the stabilisers but I haven't heard anything. I just really want to feel some relief and stability and I feel this is something I can only achieve with a more powerful medication.

I don't have many options except go to the hospital or call 000. I have a psychology session coming up, but I really struggle to connect with others so I am not sure how it will go. Meanwhile, I was prescribed some muscle relaxants to take when the anxiety consumes me. I have been limiting them to two a day. One when I wake up so I can cope with work, and one when I go to bed at 6.

I don't know how I can have a normal life.  I fantasize about the life I could have the how I could be happy (I nearly have enough money to buy a house, but it becomes worth pushing through less and less each day).

- Justin

[Sophie_M]

Hi DeepBlueOceans,

Thank you for taking the brave step and reaching out to us today. We're so sorry to hear about your history with medication and therapy and we hope our wonderful, welcoming online forums community may be able to offer you comfort and support based on their own initimate experiences with mental health. We want you to know you've come to a safe, non-judgmental place and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.

While the peer support available here is often quick, it is not immediate. For more immediate support, please call our Support Service for brief counselling, support and referrals on 1300 22 4636, or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. 

Remember, if you're at risk of harming yourself this is an emergency and we urge you to call 000 straightway.

Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Justin~

Welcome to the Forum, I'm sorry your medication has has that effect, I have been though that too. As you would well know trying to get into a relationship where the parties know it cannot be consummated is horrible, and probably may not last. Plus one feels inadequate.

Depression and GAD are illnesses that do affect your decision making, and even now I reply upon my partner to give me perspective when I am worrying excessively.

I would imaging you are suffering a great deal of impatience and want things fixed right now.

Really speaking a month is not an excessive amout of time to wait, as I've found some meds take a fair while to become effective, and having that plan B is a good backstop.

I think you might also relate to the fact I was horrible to my family, even being angry or resentful just if asked how I was feeling. Later I found the anger and desire for isolation was part of the illness.

I'm now good, on the right meds, appropriate therapy and a happy family life. I have satisfaction from the things I do. The suicidal thoughts I had, and the attempts, from when I was at my worst are down to such little things as to be no threat at all.

Even so I do have a safety plan I worked out with my partner, it gave her a feeling of control, and helped me remember the things I used to enjoy.

It is here

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Life can get out of sight better, even after such a long time. I'm an example, and I put off seeking help for years.

Croix