Unsure of the future

[Sooty09]

Hi,

I am a first timer here.
I have suffered with Depression all my adult life and diagnosed with BPD last year. I feel like I am getting worst rather than improving.
This year I have been admitted to hospital twice this year because of my depression, I have tried ECT to help but feel like it was unsuccessful.

I am currently getting help but feel like no one is listening or understands me. Local agencies have let me down in the past, or signed me off before I am stable. So trusting people and agencies is hard.
I keep hearing it will get better but it doesn’t feel like that.
I am struggling with my thoughts and especially the willing to keep going. I cannot see a future for me. I go to work each day but have lost my motivation in doing things I previously enjoyed. Everything seems to be a struggle, home, work and life.

I am not sure what to do, or where to turn.

Sooty

[Sophie_M]

Hey Sooty09,

Thanks for joining us on the Beyond Blue forums. We're very sorry to hear of the difficult year you have had and how hopeless you're feeling. We acknowledge how stressful and overwhelming it must have been to be admitted twice to the hospital. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you. 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.
   
In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline on 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

Many of our members have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you.  If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

[Helarctus]

Hi Sooty,

It sounds like this year has been rough for you on top of all the other stuff going on globally. If you have been hospitalised as well, I know that can be a very alien experience to go through at times depending where you are at mentally and emotionally when it happens.

Talking to the support services that Sophie_M has listed is a great starting point, even if its just to work out what works for helping you. People are not cut out like biscuits in a packet, and while a diagnosis is a label for a set of conditions a person has, not every person with the same diagnosis will have the same needs.

You can aim to do the best you can, every day. Some days that might be just getting pants on and checking the letterbox and that is ok.

I carry a coin in my pocket to remind me that each time it is a bad day and I don't get everything done, or I can't even get out of bed and I feel like I have failed at even living, that I can choose what comes next and try again or something different to get through this shadow.

The coin reads: 'Failure is not an option. It's mandatory. The option is whether or not to let failure be the last thing you do.'

So I will fail, I will fall, but I get to choose to get back up when that happens, and so will you.

[Sooty09]

Hi Sophie,

My year started off with moving my mum from the other end of the state to a nursing home near me. She wasn't happy but needs 24 hour care, so there was no option about it. My Sister moved interstate to be closer to her children was a good support for me. We do talk regularly but I hide things from her.

Not long after that we went into lockdown due to COVID, it felt like I dumped mum there. My work changed from psychical work to sitting helping with remote learning. I hadn't done this before and struggle with technology outside the norm. During this time I was admitted to hospital the first this year, due to not eating because of Depression. This was when ECT was suggested to me. I gave it some thought and decided that I would try it. Hoping that it would help with my depression. I don't think it helped me as I feel more depressed since than before I commenced treatment.

Shortly after my release, I stopped my Medications and had another attempt at suicide. I never told anyone for days, A psychologist contacted the MHT and there was a call the next day telling me to contact my doctor. The local MHT never contacted when they said they would. This is when I was getting anxious thinking that I must have it wrong. I had the wrong day, week, I am the problem, it is me that is wrong, etc.

Before long we were back into lockdown, my days consisted of going to work and doing jobs that never got done in normal days. I was saying a Hello and Good Bye as I entered and left and that was all the talk for the day.

I do live with my son, 21, who works long days and is tired when he gets home. But you know know what young people are like. Always busy doing things for others. This was another struggle and I ended up been admitted the second time. I felt like I would see the nurses at the beginning of shift, obs and meds and that was all. I am not one to complain, I do understand that they are busy with others but it was like I was the last thing on the list or just forgotten. I attempted Suicide during and after my stay as I was still finding it difficult just to keep going. The MHT signed me off in less than a week after discharge.

I don't want to keep going. I have 2 other adult children that my EX denies me to have contact. They still live with him. But I miss them terribly every day it has been 8 and 5 years since having them in my life.
I have had enough of life's curveballs for a life time.

Sooty

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sooty,

Thanks for elaborating and sharing these recent experiences here. We can hear that you have been thrown a lot of curveballs this year and we can understand that you're struggling. It sounds like you're in a dark place at the moment, so we are trying to get in touch with you privately to check in.

It can feel a bit disheartening when suggested treatments don't have the desired effect, but please know that things can always improve with the right treatments and supports in place. It can take some trial and error to try and find what combination of methods works best for you. It's disappointing that the local MHT didn't contact you at the time they were supposed to. Is there a way of contacting them to let them know you never received a call? It's important that you are regularly accessing some kind of mental health support when you're feeling this way.

We'd urge you to reach out to one of your loved ones and let them know what's been happening for you. Are you able to visit your mum with the current restrictions? It might also be a comfort to give your sister a call. In overwhelming moments you can always get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going here on your thread. We hope that our community can be of some comfort to you during this difficult time.


 

[Sooty09]

Hi,

Back again. I feel like I am on am emotional roller coaster. I have been seeking help locally, GP, Local hospital and community groups that they recommended. This week I was struggling and contact Beyond Blue online help and advised to speak to local MHT. I did that and was promised a call back next morning. There was no sense going to A & E as they would send me home telling there are no beds which is what I hear regularly.
The next morning I just snapped and attempted Suicide again, (4) this year alone. I called 000 and ended up in A&E for 24 hours as MHT were to busy to assess me, when they finally did, there was a chance I would be sent home. They found me a bed for a couple of nights, then they discharged me the next morning.
I was just coming to terms about what had happened over the last 48 hours, feeling very vulnerable, and more uncertain of any future. No changes to my meds, even though I am not sleeping much, eating and drinking has been a struggle as well. I am feeling very isolated, and not sure what I should do.
I still wish that I hadn’t contacted 000. As I feel like I am longing my pain.
My son is also struggling to see me going through this and has stayed away all weekend.

I don’t know where to turn as I feel my medications may need to be reassessed as I have been on some for 17 years and the others for a number of years as well. Not sure how long I can go on.
Sooty

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sooty,

It's sounds like you've had a really distressing time lately and we can understand that this would leave you feeling vulnerable. We think it's positive that you contacted 000 - it sounds like you've been doing an amazing job in seeking the help that will get you through this difficult period. We think you are so strong.

It sounds like a good idea to have your medications reassessed. If you don't have an upcoming appointment with the prescribing doctor already, are you able to book one?

We're sorry to hear that you are feeling so isolated at the moment. Please remember that you are a valuable part of our community here, we are all behind you and wishing you the best outcomes. We would strongly urge that when you're feeling overwhelmed and need a voice on the other end of the phone that  you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that in this tough period you can try to be gentle with yourself and take things one moment at a time. 

[Ggrand]

Hello Sooty,

I am deeply sorry your struggling so much with your mental health and feeling isolated...

I agree with our lovely Sophie that you are a valuable member to our wonderful community here and with Sophie suggestion of contacting your Dr..for a med revue...Please try as hard as you can to do that...

Going from physical work to sitting behind a computer would be so hard because you have more time for those intrusive thoughts to circle around your mind much more now then when you your physically working..Hopefully when COVID gets managed by our scientists you might be able to go back to your previous form of employment....

I know how hard it is..to continue to eat, drink and sleep when we’re so depressed..but it’s so important to do so, Sleep recharges our system and while we’re asleep our thoughts are also asleep...Have you tried listening to sleep stories at night..If you listen mindfully to the stories they can be calming and falling asleep before they finish is my usual....maybe if you feel up to it you could give them a try..they are on you tube..

No sure if I’ve been of any help to you..just wanted to let you I’m here for you when I can be..with my care and support..you are not alone dear Sooty...

Hope is inside all of us..it never leaves us..just hides very deeply within us...Hard to find at times..I know...When you rang 000..that was a bit of your hidden hope, coming forward to you...to let you know that you belong here...and things do change..they might take a while for things to change...Please try hard to have faith and believe that they do change...

Please be very kind and gentle to you dear Sooty....

My kindest and most caring thoughts Sooty..

Grandy..