How do you keep going

[Living57]

I struggle with complex mental health issues. Lately its been getting worse. My days are mostly spent alone. Im not living I'm existing and I question is it worth it.
I dont want to see people.
I dont want to go out.
I can't stand the noises around me.
I'm just fed up, tired, lonely, depressed, anxious and it goes on and on.
I find I am thinking more about death and dying. The end of the pain both mentally and physically.
My sister-in-law committed suicide, I've seen the fallout it causes. I don't want to hurt my family, but I'm hurting so much and I just want it to stop.
I've thought about talking about how I feel, but in the end I don't know how to start or what to say.
I see a psych regularly, but I don't even know how to tell him.
I'm on meds, I take them as prescribed.
I dont like my life, I don't even like myself for having these thoughts.
I struggle on little sleep and not eating right.
I'm all over the place, mentally I feel exhausted, physically I feel like hell.
And I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.
 

[Aaronsis]

Hello Pauline

It is so wonderful to hear that you are feeling somewhat better, yes the struggle is there but maybe it is not so loud today, maybe there is room to see that if you could feel just a little better then there is hope of feeling a little bit more and a little bit more...baby steps and hope is a wonderful thing...to feel like there might be a chance, that there will be better and brighter days coming your way.

It was so great to hear from you and to know that you are making some baby steps, I really look forward to chatting to you some more and sharing whatever you feel you would like to here.

I hope that today brings you some more things that are going to put even the smallest of smiles on your face Pauline, a bird, a flower, the smell of something amazing cooking...it is funny the things that really talk to our soul.

Hugs to you Pauline

Sarah xxx

[Living57]

Last night was beyond awful I have no words. A friend came by with one of her friends, I'm talking 2 women in their 60s. After a catch up chat, they turned on me. Told me to stop pretending that there is nothing wrong with me except I am wanting attention. I tried explaining that my mental illness is being treated by professionals and is real that I cannot help the way I am with this illness. After another tirade from them I summoned the courage to tell them to leave.
But it left me questioning what they said and I started slipping down the black hole again. I spent the night wondering why me, I'm not good enough for myself. I am isolated from the community because I am scared of people I don't know. I dont contribute anything. And on and on even now mid morning I am alternating between crying and feeling sorry for myself and anger at them and myself because I cannot explain whst my illness is in a way people would understand. And then I start questioning my existence what am I here for what is my purpose in life and I have no answers. Just when I was starting to find little positives I am bought down to earth with a crash by other people.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Living57,

Thanks for stopping by on the Beyond Blue forums today. 

We can hear that you've had a really difficult night and morning. We're so sorry to hear how awful your friends caused you to feel. We can't imagine how upsetting it would've been to have your mental health struggles invalidated. Please know that your friend's criticisms were unjustified and that what you're experiencing is real for you. It certainly would've taken some strength to ask your friends to leave but a good choice. They were not helping you. We'd encourage you to get in in touch with us via our Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. You are welcome to call anytime that you are feeling overwhelmed and you need some support. It can be very grounding to talk these thoughts through with someone. 

We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Aaronsis]

Hi Pauline

I am so sorry that what was a friendly get together between friends turned into something quiet different. What you are explaining here is so very hurtful and the words spoken to you were both very untrue and also not necessary to say. I am just so sorry that this happened to you.

I am so proud of you for taking action and asking them to leave, no one has the right to make you feel bad and to ask them to stop is perfectly reasonable, in fact it is necessary. No one gets to treat you poorly and you have showed them that.

I am wondering if they have been in touch with you since this visit to make things right and to see if you are ok? To even follow up the conversation and to maybe even offer an apology as to how the evening turned out?

We know that ill mental health is not an "attention seeking" situation, however not everyone has been exposed or educated about what ill mental health looks like or even is. So while not excusing this reaction or outburst from them, they may not know any other way to respond. Does it make it right? NO...they could have quite easily said that they do not know about these things and would like to find out more, or ask you about what is going on for you, or to ask you what you need in terms of support from your friends at this time....I guess not everyone is the same...which is a shame but we just cannot make people understand.

I think that is part of the gold of places like this forum where we can all come together and support and provide comfort to others as we do understand and while we may not know exactly what a person is feeling or going through we know of the pain, or of the frustrations and the sadness that goes will being mentally unwell.

You are good enough Pauline, you are so very good enough and I would have to question with what your friends said to you, are they good enough for you?, to support you and to be your friend?

We are here for you, to sit with you and to chat and to let you know that little positives are possible, you have said so too, and that the more we focus on these the more little one we see. These people do not get to dull your shine Pauline and they do not get to make you feel bad. What you did by asking them to leave and choosing you was so wonderful and I am proud of you.

Huge hugs to you my friend

Sarah

[Living57]

Done with this week. It started full of promise and slowly crumbled away if it could go wrong it did, and big time at that. I feel incredibly lost and alone,. Im totally at the end.
My neighbours father committed suicide last week, and she's been over a lot  talking about it, ican only offer her coffee and a shoulder to lean on. I can't tell her thsts how I feel at times.
I wander around my house lost. I don't have any motivation to do anything.
I'm hardly sleeping or eating again.
When people ask how im doing I tell them I'm fine when I really want to scream I wish I wasn't here, I'm fslling apart, help me. But I doubt they want the real answer.
Its not that I feel like suicide right now, it crosses my mind that if I did I would be away from this pain, I'm just lost in myself and I just don't know how to keep going.
I see my psych tomorrow, I will tell him, he's probably the only one I really talk to and tell everything to.
I just feel like I am sitting at the bottom of the black hole and can't see a way out.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Living57,

We are so sorry to hear how recent events in your community, among other things, are getting to you. We thank you for reaching out and sharing these feelings with us here today and hope our wonderful, caring, non-judgmental forums community can give you call the support, advice, conversation and understanding that you need. That said, please remember that peer support offered here is not immediate.

If you feel like you need immediate support before you see your psychologist tomorrow, please give the mental health professionals at our support service a call on 1300 22 4636. They're avaialble day and night, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Please check in here and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Living57

Just wanted to stop in and see how you are doing today as your post from the other day you were sharing how alone and how lost you felt. I am sorry for the tardy reply, I am here and I care about how you are feeling.

I am sorry that your neighbour is relying on your for support at this time. While I am sure that you want to be there for her, sometimes we are just not able to and that is perfectly fine to say, and even more so for you when the very reason she needs support is something you are struggling with so badly. You don't need to mention this to her but you can say something like "I am so very sorry for your loss, I just need to let you know that I care about you but I am also going through a rough time at the moment and am therefore not able to support you the way that you need, can I suggest a support line that you might like to use to get some help at this time?" you could say something like that and give her the LifeLine number of 13 14 13 or even the Beyond Blue support line. It is perfectly fine to say no, to take care of you.

I am wondering also how your appointment went with your psych and if that helped you at all? I am so happy to hear that you do and can talk openly to him, I hope you can share that you are at the bottom of the black hole and that you do need some extra support at this time.

I am here for you Living57, to sit with you and to listen, to extend a virtual hug and let you know we care.

Hugs

Sarah xxx