Feeling lost

[Foggythoughts]

I don’t really know how to start this so I’ll just start. I have been struggling with my depression for 7 years. I only reached out for help after attempting to take my own life. I have been simultaneously taking antidepressants and seeing a psychologist for about a year and 7 months. I have had many ups and downs. Each up followed by a down that has left me feeling more devastated than the last. My last appointment was last Tuesday and I scored a 5 on the BDI. My last score was a 27. I shared that I had no suicidal thoughts or any thoughts of self harm. I was feeling normal again. I left my appointment feeling positive and hopeful. And then today, I endured one negative experience that triggered something horrible. It brought back all of the feelings of worthlessness and loneliness. It brought back the thoughts of life without me and I don’t know how to face tomorrow in this state. I don’t know how to face my psychologist because I’m afraid he will be tired of me. Is it normal to take this long to overcome these feelings? What if he gives up on me and I have no one left to believe in me?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Foggythoughts,

Welcome to our online community. We're so sorry to hear that you had a negative experience today and that it has triggered you into a dark place. Please know that you're not alone in this. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support. 

It sounds like you've had a complex history. You mentioned that you've had a lot of ups and downs - can we ask what kinds of things have helped moving towards the ups in the past?

You also mentioned that you've been seeing a psychologist long term, which is great, especially since you left your last appointment feeling so good and hopeful. Would it be possible to try and book in another appointment with them soon?

Do know that there is always support available in between appointments as well. Lifeline is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing emotional distress with access to 24 hour crisis support and suicide prevention services. You can call them 24/7 on 13 11 14, or chat with them online 7pm-midnight AEDT - https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Thanks again for reaching out. Hopefully a few of our community members will be by to welcome you over the next few days. 

[Aaronsis]

Hi Foggythoughts

I wanted to reach out to you and to welcome you here to this wonderful community. It is so very brave of you to share your pain and your story here with us. I also wanted to say how proud I am of you for not only reaching out now but that you did reach out after an attempt on your life, I am so proud you reached out.

The journey to better mental health is a rough one, full of ups and downs and it is damn hard, hard to acknowledge the good days and that they exists and to remind ourselves of these, and to manage the bad days and not make them our focus. I think it is fantastic too that you do have a psychologist on your team and that you are able to share with him/her your thoughts around suicide, even though at your appointment you didn't have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm, it is still so important to discuss so that on the days like yesterday you do have support systems in place and things to call on should these thoughts impact you. I am just so proud of you for reaching out to us and letting us comfort you and sit with you at this time, I hope that even just sharing here how you were feeling allowed you to purge some of that pain. Please know that your Psychologist is on your team, they are there to help and that is their job, to support and to assist you and to help you through these times, while I can understand that you feel like he/she must be tired of hearing your story or helping you..this could not be further from the truth and I want to remind you of that. You matter, your appointments matter, what you share to them matters, that is what they are there for...for you. He is NOT, I repeat NOT going to give up on you...

I am not sure if you wanted to share your negative experience and to talk it out and to get some ideas or just to purge it here, whatever you feel comfortable to do, we are here for you.

With regards to time, I don't think anyone on Earth can answer that one, with regards to mental wellness, well it just takes as long as it takes and that is perfectly fine, you will have ups and good days and you will stumble some days too, that is called life. But it is how you get up, and keep fighting and reaching out and talking and using your supports to lean on..friends like us.

It has been to great to chat to you and I hope to chat again soon.

We are here for you Foggythoughts

Hugs

Sarah xx