How do you keep going

[Living57]

I struggle with complex mental health issues. Lately its been getting worse. My days are mostly spent alone. Im not living I'm existing and I question is it worth it.
I dont want to see people.
I dont want to go out.
I can't stand the noises around me.
I'm just fed up, tired, lonely, depressed, anxious and it goes on and on.
I find I am thinking more about death and dying. The end of the pain both mentally and physically.
My sister-in-law committed suicide, I've seen the fallout it causes. I don't want to hurt my family, but I'm hurting so much and I just want it to stop.
I've thought about talking about how I feel, but in the end I don't know how to start or what to say.
I see a psych regularly, but I don't even know how to tell him.
I'm on meds, I take them as prescribed.
I dont like my life, I don't even like myself for having these thoughts.
I struggle on little sleep and not eating right.
I'm all over the place, mentally I feel exhausted, physically I feel like hell.
And I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.
 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Living57,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us here today. We're sorry to hear how much you are struggling with these troubling thoughts. We know it isn't easy to reach out as you have, but it is important .

Our Support Service is trying to phone you as we are worried about you.

While the peer support on offer here is often quick, it's important to remember it is not immediate. You can call our Support Service anytime as they're always available on 1300 22 4636 or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. Please know that if ever you think your at imminent risk of harm, this is an emergency and you should call 000 immediately.

Please check in here and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Living57]

Thank you. I have missed a call, a private number, I dont answer them.
Your words help.
These forums are a life line at times like this.
I dont feel in danger but as in tge past I will make the necessary call if I do.
Thank you again

[Aaronsis]

Hi Living57

Welcome to this community, it must have been so very hard to write those words, but in saying that I hope that by writing them you did feel some sense of relief and that you could be free of them, even for just a moment. That is also what I wanted to mention to you is that writing can be one of the best ways to communicate with a therapist or doctor or person who is providing support. You have written so well here and your feelings and your thoughts are captured very well. Even your post here could prove to be a very good starting point to share with your psych, if you cannot speak the words or don't know where to start they can read them and take it from there...just an idea.

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister in law, it is a pain like no other to lose a loved one to suicide. I know of the pain you are feeling only through the eyes of my brother whom I lost in 2019, he was 19. I will not tell you that it will go away and I will not tell you it will be like this forever, as I am not a doctor, however what I do know from speaking with others here, with people sharing their stories of their journey that it can get better, that there are brighter days and that it takes a team to help a person through these times. I am so proud of you for reaching out for some support and conversation, for sharing how you are feeling, I hear you, I hear how exhausted you are and how emotionally drained you are and I am just so proud you have been able to type the words here to seek a hand to reach back.

Sleep is not an easy thing to maintain if you are feeling so bad and I am wondering what things you are already trying to help with this situation, just so I don't offend with obvious suggestions that may help you.

I would like to chat some more to you about the things that you are already doing to distract or to keep yourself engaged in the moment when you are feeling so very bad. If you would like to share that is, there is no pressure to do so.

I want to finish this post with an answer to your question of if your existing is worth it, I want to say to you EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK...you matter so very much, so very very much and we are here with you to share this journey with you, to sit with you and to listen to whatever you want to share. You matter and it does not feel like that right now I understand that but I need to remind you of that, when you are feeling so very bad, you do matter.

I hope to chat some more to you soon.

Hugs

Sarah

[Living57]

I've spent the last few weeks so tired day and night, all I want to do is sleep, but I can't.
I've been diagnosed with yet another illness, the medication eases it for a couple of hours and then it hits again.
Its causing my depression to get worse and then the tears come and icant stop them.
My anxiety and panic start to set in and I feel like I'm spiralling into the darkness and I have no control over it.
I have no energy, I just can't be bothered with basics like getting dressed unless I know I really have to.
The only constant is taking my medication, the knowledge of what might happen if I don't take them is something I prefer not to have to deal with.
I feel like a mouse in a wheel, going round and round and getting nowhere.
My daughter in law visited me and informed me that my two grandsons aged 13 and 17 are smoking marijuana regularly. She didn't seem to worried about it. Im very worried about what this could lead to and the impacts on their health. It made me very upset and I have been unable to stop thinking about it and worrying....then depression anxiety and panic kick in again.
Its getting that I just exist each day, and that existence is fed by my mental health issues.
Id really just like a day free from it all, to be able to recharge and feel normal.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Living57

I wanted to ask how you are feeling as you mentioned that you have been feeling so very tired, day and night and just are wanting to sleep, but are not able to. It has been a few days since you posted so I am wondering if you have been able to get some rest over the last few days, I am so very hopeful that the answer is yes.

Sleep deprivation I think does increase all the things that you spoke of, tears, anxiety and the overall feeling or not being in control and just feeling like you are in such a dark place. Then making what "should" be the basic of tasks like getting dressed just so unachievable. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this and I hope that you have been able to get some sleep, even just a few hours to be able to manage these feelings.

I am so proud of you for continuing to take your medication, I hope that it is giving you some assistance and that you are feeling some of the benefits of it.

I understand totally the worry you must of felt when hearing your grandson's are smoking marijuana. I am thinking maybe she was sharing this with you to get your take on it and just to perhaps vent and this may have come across as relaxed and that she is not too concerned. Maybe seeing that a few days have passed you could readdress this with her and maybe further the conversation with her and find out what the situation is and how they are travelling with it. I would be worried too as at a young age when the brain is still forming and when they really are still finding out who they are, drugs regularly can really impact them, both mentally and emotionally so I would be concerned too. However, this is all you can really do is talk to her and express your concerns and hope that she will reach out to get some support with this and take the matter seriously.

I hear you and a day free of the chore of ill mental health would be divine, however we just never know when this day will come, or even a moment in a day will come, that some brightness will come amongst what seems like there is only darkness. You are strong, so strong and while it does not feel like that now, there will be better days, you deserve them and they will be yours.

I hope today brings something ever so small even that makes a smile on your face. That the peace of some sleep finds you also.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx

[Living57]

Thank you for your words. Im coping, sometimes I think only just. I still can't sleep well. Last night was 4 hours broken sleep but better than I've had in a while.

I spoke to my daughter in law about my concerns, she just laughed it off as kids growing up and experimenting....I dont think so. I told her of the risks and about my brother who was an alcoholic and drug addiction, he's been clean 5 years now. She's not interested. It was suggested I have a chat with the police, but I can't I have a absolute fear of them having been sexually assault by a man 8n a police uniform.

This weekend I have tried to do some planting on my balcony, its a distraction for a while.
Ive never felt as lonely or alone as I do now, its hard to explain to people when the illness cannot be seen. Mental health problems have taken its toll on me and I'm just really tired of the inner fight, its constant and doesn't go away. All I can do it try to hold on, and reach out t people like you who understand.

Thank you so much
Pauline

[Sophie_M]

Hey Living57,

We're so sorry to hear what you've been through and can hear your fear in approaching police to talk through this situation. Please know that this is a safe space for you to talk these feelings through, and our community are here to help support you through this- you never have to go through this alone.

You've shown so much strength in reaching out, and we'd also really encourage you to get in touch with the kind and understanding counsellors at 1800RESPECT, who offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. They have a lot of experience offering support to those who have been through trauma like this, and are available to you 24/7 on 1800 737 732, as well as through online chat at: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ Our Support Service, is also always available to talk these feelings through on 1300 22 4636 or also through Webchat (1pm-12am AEST) on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums, and please feel free to keep updating us here on your thread throughout your journey.
 

[Guest_4643]

Hey Living57, welcome.

My days are alone too, well with my parents, but what I mean is I don't have any friends and family except them.

I feel all the same things you described. I'm really sorry that your sister in law ended her life.

Are you safe right now?

[Living57]

Thank you for your post
Today I feel better in some ways, but the struggle is still there.
I tried to sit on my balcony but the noise was too much so I came back inside.
Everyday is a fight but I'm trying not to give up.
Hope your day is a good one.
Pauline