Help I guess.

[Maddie.f]

Idk what to do anymore. I’ve been here before where I have tried to take my own life before and I haven’t started cutting again but the only reason is because I can’t be bothered to buy the razors. I have tried multiple therapists and been on different medications but nothing works, I’ve tried those self help apps with the cute animals. I’ve even tried starving myself to be better. I’m afraid that if I go down this path again I will not make it out the other side. I have nobody to talk to about this. I scared my best friend and my dad last time and my mother doesn’t care about me. Don’t try to tell me she probably does because I really know she doesn’t. I feel it coming. I have no drive or motivation anymore. The things I enjoyed don’t matter anymore and I feel myself distancing myself from my friends and family. Whenever I try to imagine a future for myself my mind goes blank. I really can’t go through this battle again. All I want is to be happy and to feel loved but I can’t even remember how that feels.I want to stop being selfish. I want to stop failing at helping people. I want to stop failing at everything I do. I want to be somebody’s first choice and I want to like what I see in the mirror. I want what I see other people have. I’m terrified to get the energy to buy a razor because hurting myself felt like a punishment I deserved but I know that if I do then I will be so angry with myself after. I feel like I’m watching myself fall down this pit and I feel like I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want someone to care about me like I care about them. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone around me but I’m terrified that I’m going to get to a point where all of this is too much and I will forget about the pain they will feel just to release myself from my own pain. It’s been three years since my first attempt and I hate myself for not being better. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey  Maddie.f,  

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can understand how difficult it is to feel this way and how truely exhausting it can feel when you just want to feel better. We really appreciate you being open and sharing what's going on for you right now and we're sure our community members will be able to relate to what you are going through.
 
Is there anyone that you feel able to discuss this in person with? We can hear it's been difficult in the past reaching out to your friend and family but we wanted to let you know that we are always here to listen. We’d encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. 

You mentioned that you've tried medications and therapists and it can be dissapointing, and frankly, exhausting going through that process but sometimes it takes finding the right person to 'click'. A GP can be a good first stop, often they are aware of treatments that may have worked for others that could be worth a try. I know you've probably heard this before, but it's really important to look after yourself, be kind to yourself and take all the time you need.
 
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with existing supports, following a safety plan, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).  
 
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Maddie.f

I'd have to say finding the right guides and the right meds can definitely feel like a depressing form of torture at times. While I used to ask myself 'What's wrong with me?' wondering why I never clicked with a particular therapist or guide or why so many meds just didn't work, it wasn't until later in life that I found the answer. I'm a feeler, someone who's sensitive to what they feel. Simplified, I was feeling everything that didn't work. I can also feel what works but it has to be very specific to me. For example, while I can be slammed by people or even made fun of, what works for me is the mind/body/spirit approach, based on it covering all possibilities when it comes to depression. No matter the poop I cop from people, I tend to stick with what works for me.

While depression can be based on one or all of the following factors combined, I've found it pays to ask

• where's my mind at? Where in hell is this inner dialogue coming from? What or who has triggered it or triggered it to become so much more intense? How are my memories messing with me? Why can I only imagine worst case scenarios? Where did all my belief systems come from and how many of them are actually my own (vs all the concepts I was conditioned to believe in)? etc
• where's my body at? Do I have a physical condition that's leading me to feel depressed? Btw, found out the hard way how depressing sleep apnea and a serious b12 deficiency can become. While a lack of energy can be a symptom of depression, I think it's so important for GPs to first ask 'Is there a depressing physical condition at play here or is a physical condition adding to the depression this person's already facing (leading to them hitting rock bottom)?'. In my opinion, blood tests should be the basic standard practice when people present with depression
• is there some soul destroying thing going on? Am I dealing with some kind of overwhelming heartache or grief? Have I lost some soulful facet of myself or does some new facet of me need to come to life and what I'm experiencing are unbearable 'labour pains'?

If there's one thing hindsight won't give us, it's answers in the moment when we need them most. While you may have felt everything that's never worked, past experience and hindsight can prompt the thought 'What outside the square could work?'. While basic psychology never worked, how about Jungian psychology or psycho-spiritual counseling? While an assortment of meds never worked, how about researching 'What generates and interferes with human chemistry?'. And if plenty of energy is the feeling of life itself running through you, believe it or not quantum physics is actually a fully embraced aspect of spirituality. If human cells aren't vibrating fast enough, with a high volume of energy and at a high enough frequency, we'll be able to feel how low that vibe is. We'll feel the lack of excitement in every cell of our body. Low enough and it can feel incredibly depressing. There is so much to be found outside the square. Inside the square are certain limitations.