Grieving Suicide

[LanaKane]

I'll preface by saying that I'm not at immediate risk of suicide, and that I've discussed this with my psych and my partner. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has felt like this too. 

In 2016 I had a serious suicide attempt (not to say all attempts shouldn't be considered serious. Just that drs aren't sure how I survived it). Things got better. I met my wonderful partner in 2017, we have had loads of fun and adventures. And he's always been so supportive when I struggle. We had our daughter in 2020 and, despite some PPA, any times.of depression has been fairly brief. 

Until now. I'm suffering a long and very deep bout of depression. 

And I've realised, suicide is no longer an option because I'd never leave our daughter. 

So that means, no matter how bad things get, I have to suffer it, no matter what. There's no longer that option of a way out. 

I've massively spiralled since realising this and I have no idea how to cope with it. 

Suicide was always a safety net you know? Now it isn't. Now I'm stuck. Having depression (granted at varying degrees) for the rest of my life. 

Had anyone else struggled with this realisations? 

I get that protective factors are supposed to be a good thing, but right now I'm really resenting them.

I can't self harm or just get obliterated on alcohol. Logically I know this is a good thing. But it doesn't feel good. It feels way worse. 

And I can never end my life. No matter how bad it gets. I honestly don't know how to cope with this realisation. 

Thanks if you read this. 

[therising]

Hi LanaKane

I think one of the greatest challenges when it comes to depression can involve finding an 'anchor person', someone who anchors us to this world (so that we don't leave it). Another great challenge can involve 'How to do life while being anchored to this world'. My heart goes out to you as you manage in every possible way you can think of right now.

As a gal who's an ex binge drinker from way back, in some ways 'emotional drinking' made things easier, while alcohol was used and an emotional regulator. Of course, it also made things more depressing in a lot of ways. So, as a mum and an ex emotional drinker, I can relate to certain things no longer being an option as a form of escape (from what feels unbearable). If there's one key thing I learned about drinking vs not drinking it's this: A highly sensitive person senses very easily and incredibly well when there's no alcohol to dull the senses. So, if you can get a really good sense you're in a depressing relationship, for example, or a really good sense of all the people in your life that trigger you or a really good sense of what people are really saying with their triggering words or even a good sense of how other people are feeling, all that can become incredibly challenging and emotionally exhausting. Pulling one out of that list, being able to sense what people are saying can be extremely challenging at times. The ability to sense (aka sensitivity) can be much easier to manage when you've got people in your life who can relate. Try saying to someone who's got a really good sense of what's triggering 'You're too sensitive. You need to toughen up' and wait for their reaction. Definitely a comment that can be felt.

While I was once told 'You'll most like struggle with depression for the whole of your life', I felt that as a seriously depressing piece of 'advice'. Understandably so. I wish I'd been told the truth instead. The truth sounds more like 'It's in your nature to be sensitive, so be prepared to sense in masterful ways, for part of what you'll sense throughout your life will feel depressing'. From inner dialogue, thoughts and what's in the imagination through to highly triggering degrading people through to what feels heartbreaking at times and all the way through to chemical imbalances or deficiencies, you'll feel pretty much everything. For a 'feeler' or 'sensitive' life's an emotional experience. Whether the emotions tie into what feels depressing, what feels anxiety inducing, what feels thoroughly joyful, exciting or inspirational at times, to say it's a challenge can be an understatement. Periods of carefully managed emotional detachment or 'peace time' become a necessary way of managing. Far easier said than done. Sometimes we can feel peace yet not recognise it as such. You know the feeling of when you're sitting on the couch at night fighting to stay awake. The feeling of peace is found when you give yourself permission to close your eyes and simply drift off. It can also be found in someone gently brushing our hair (unless we're sensitive to touch). To feel the absence of conflict is a peaceful experience.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear LanaKane,

What you write makes sense to me because I have also experienced the feeling of suicidality as a safety net. I’ve just been reading a bit about Gabor Mate’s Compassionate Inquiry approach to suicidality which understands it as an adaptive response to overwhelm. In this approach rather than simply trying to stop thoughts and enact prevention, the goal is to engage compassionately and meaningfully with the thoughts being experienced. What you may be feeling is the loss of the feeling of control that came from feeling there was a way out. So it can be the feeling of the loss of this adaptive response that is triggering.

 I think if you can feel compassion for yourself in this situation you can really then understand your current feelings, then look to ways to keep extending loving kindness to yourself knowing that you are feeling this vulnerability. I think talking it through like you have done by raising those feelings here is really important. It is better to express those feelings as you have also with your psych and partner. In time with continued compassion towards yourself, it will likely get easier to manage the feelings and to integrate them in a healing way.

So although it may feel worse right now that you have lost this way out, keep extending that compassion and understanding towards yourself. This self-kindness can also be self-healing. As you nurture your daughter see if you can be internally nurturing at the same time for yourself and feel the support of your partner too. It’s like gradually over time these warm feelings have more and more space and presence. I hope that helps a bit.

[LanaKane]

Thank you so much The Rising and Eagle Ray for replying. It nice to be understood, but I am sorry you've ever felt like this before. 

The Rising, I really resonated with everything you said. It is the loss of control that I'm grieving, you're so right. And I am so sensitive to everything and everyone; my mum says I always have been. It's actually a curse and I hate it. I wish I wasn't like this, everything effects me so deeply. (Actually my daughter is like this too and I so worry for her future, but that's a different story). I honestly wish I could switch it off. I like your idea of peaceful detachment. Perhaps this is something I could learn and practice. If only for a few minutes a day. 

Eagle Ray, that sounds like a fascinating read, I'm going to look it up. I have absolutely zero self compassion unfortunately. I've had psychologists try to work with me on it for decades and never succeed. I honestly have no idea how to self care.

[therising]

Hi LanaKane

Long periods in depression definitely have a number of added challenges. Three biggies amongst the challenges would have to involve

1. trying to manage the low energy levels when those levels are seriously interfering with life on an ongoing basis
2. the growing sense of desperation and perhaps hopelessness while trying to figure out what the seriously depressing challenge is really about
3. the seemingly never ending inner dialogue. Not sure which facet of me this comes from but 'You're never coming out of this one (period of depression)' speaks to my fears. Having experienced long term depression when I was younger (for about 15 years), I absolutely fear returning to it

It can be tough when we're typically on the mark with everyone else but can't quite hit the mark with our self. For example, you can be a feeler for everyone else. You can feel what each person in your life needs, whether it's compassion, motivation, a listening ear, a new sense of direction etc. It's like it can just come naturally at times, being able to feel what others need. If you're really sensitive, you can also feel exactly where everyone's at. You can feel their sadness, their anger, their frustration, their disappointment etc, as if it was your own. But when it comes to feeling for your self, what you need or how you feel, it's like your sensor is broken and all you can feel is what's depressing

Same thing if you're a bit of a seer. You can see in your mind or through your imagination (with its imagery) where things first started to go wrong for someone. You can see where they may have gotten lost along the way and you may even be able to see the best way forward for them. But, again, you just can't manage to be a seer for yourself in all the ways you really need.

The hearing factor can be the same. The stuff that naturally comes to mind when it comes to others can be 'He/she needs your support more than anything' or 'At this time of their life, they need your compassion, your understanding and your sense of vision'. On the other hand, for our self, we can be more so hearing 'You're weak. You're never coming out of this depression. There's no point even trying'. That's some dark depressing stuff.

I think it's about finding someone who's a feeler, seer and hearer for us. They can definitely be in short supply at times. Being super sensitive, you'll know when you find such people because you'll feel a resonance. Such a relief when things begin to resonate with us. It's the feeling of not being broken (a false belief we may have been fully coming to believe in) 🙂