Futility

[not_dead_yet]

I recently had my birthday. I thought that I would be gone before my birthday. I have an addiction and I don't enjoy doing it but it almost feels like an obligation or a habit. I had a friend tell me that I have the innability to communicate my opinions. I am not diagnosed with anything and I can't, it feels like nothing is real. I don't feel anything, I don't know if im hurting or just being attention seeking. I don't know what to do, my life seems pointless.

[Sophie_M]

Hi not_dead_yet,

I’m really glad you posted. Reading what you’ve written, it sounds like things feel incredibly empty and confusing right now. Like you’re moving through life without really feeling connected to it. That “nothing feels real” experience can be really unsettling, and it’s not attention seeking to say you’re struggling. It sounds like you’re trying to make sense of something that feels very hard to explain.

When you said you thought you’d be gone before your birthday, that stood out. That’s a heavy thing to carry. I’m really sorry you’ve been feeling that low. Addiction can also add another layer of shame and feeling stuck, especially when it feels automatic or like an obligation rather than a choice. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it often means something underneath needs support.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. If you’re in Australia, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 anytime, or chat online. You can also reach the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat. If you’re outside Australia, I can help find the right number where you are. If you’re in immediate danger, please call 000.

It might also really help to speak with a GP or mental health professional, especially about the feeling that nothing is real, that’s something that deserves proper support and care.

You matter more than your mind is telling you right now. Please keep talking here. We’re listening.

Sophie M

[not_dead_yet]

I have been procrastinating everything. I have been meaning to post for a few months now. I've been thinking about posting and forgetting or telling myself to do it later. I just feel no energy to do anything. Don't want to be bothered too lazy of some sorts. I guess the good thing about it is that i've been too lazy to pick up anything sharp. I still get up, go to school, go to tutor, go to work. I act happy at school and maybe i am. I'm not sure anymore. I started to track my sleep, it isnt very good but not much I can do. I am already sleeping whenever I can, i get told off for it alot. More at home than at school. I guess I sort of feel like i want my friend here beside me but i am starting to text less, like it is a chore. My mother is suffocating me. Very annoying. I don't feel a difference in my mood. I have been lazy to where i skip morning routine and night routines. And showers until i get told off. I forget to eat if it isnt in front of me. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey not_dead_yet,
 
Welcome back. Thank you for sharing with us here – it can take a lot of energy to write out how you’re feeling, and we’re glad you felt comfortable sharing.

While you refer to yourself as lazy, it sounds like you’re also doing a lot – still managing to go to school, your tutor, and go to work, too. When everything feels like an effort, managing all of that is a huge achievement and something that deserves recognition.

Is there anyone you can talk to about how you’ve been feeling, such as a school counsellor or a GP? It can feel really isolating when you’re trying to manage all on your own, and you deserve to have some support.

How has this week been for you? Have you noticed any change in how you’ve been feeling? We hope this space can feel like a virtual friend group for you. You're always welcome to let us know how you're travelling, even if it is just a few words. 

We hope there is something nice this weekend that you can do for yourself 💙
 
Take care 
Sophie M
 

[not_dead_yet]

i have a friend that introduced me to their gf with a lie. Its been a day and i had fun talking with their gf. I spent the day digging my own hole building on the lie because i feel like the consequences if i tell the truth will be worse. I called my friend a few hours ago. I told them that i felt like i was digging a hole. They said i was and that if the lie was ever found out they will both block me and they will say they didn't know. I feel betrayed. I know i am not their partner and they will put their partner first. But i am a terrible liar and i feel so guilty. when they hung up it was almost instantly i stopped crying. Like i needed an audience to feel something. That it was all fake, like an act for attention. I felt like a few weeks ago i started getting better, maybe even happier. this incident felt like i got set back to my lowest point. That friend is the only friend that i feel comfortable sharing everything with. I feel tired and numb i feel so numb that its a miracle that i feel betrayed. I spent so long previously trying to feel something that i gave up after the pain was never enough to fill the gaps. i don't know what to do or what i can do. I just felt the need to vent. Im sorry for posting again. 

[melodica]

Hello not_dead_yet,

Thank you for sharing this heavy burden. It can be extremely painful to feel betrayed by the one friend you trusted completely. Navigating a lie you did not ask to be part of must feel exhausting. It makes complete sense that you feel overwhelmed and guilty. You were forced into an impossible situation.

When you described your crying stopping instantly and feeling like an imposter, I felt a deep resonance with that. In my experience, I have known that sudden, sharp numbness. It feels like an act, but it is actually your mind and body reaching maximum capacity. It is a protective mechanism shutting everything down to survive the overwhelming pain of betrayal. Your distress is entirely real. Your tears were genuine.

Setbacks are devastating when you have just started to feel a glimmer of light. I have walked that path, believing one terrible incident erased all my hard work. Your progress from the last few weeks is not gone. It is only temporarily buried under this fresh shock. The capacity to heal is still within you. Please be gentle with yourself as you sit with these difficult feelings. You do not need to figure out what to do right now, and you never have to apologise for reaching out.

Venting is perfectly fine and I hope you will reach out again to chat if needed. 

[not_dead_yet]

Im so tired i dont see the point in life. Im always the one texting first. Im never invited unless i ask. I'm scared constantly that I've done something. I'm always getting my appearance picked apart. I don't want to get out of bed. I'm finding nothing interesting and everything is a chore. I'm disregarding basic hygiene but I'm trying.  I feel like i ruin every relationship i have. I'm having suicidal thoughts almost everyday as well as sh thoughts. I'm holding on and i am currently safe but i feel like I'll crack at the tiniest inconvience. I don't know what to do. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi not_dead_yet,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here the thoughts and struggles you've been experiencing. It’s a good place to hear from others who understand some of the things you’re going through. We can hear you’ve been dealing with some difficult things.

We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through with the lovely counsellors there. A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 44, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer: 

• Beyond Blue 
• Kids Helpline 
• Lifeline 
• Headspace (9am-1am AEST) 

Hopefully, you’ll hear from this lovely community soon. Maybe you could help them along by letting us know what kind of support you have at the moment, and if anyone around you is helpful or understanding with how you’re feeling?

Kind regards,

Sophie M
 

[not_dead_yet]

I have been told several times this week that i am lucky to be the happiest person alive. I feel like my effort to seem fine has backfired and now i can never talk to anyone. I feel like i am never the first choice, that everybody has their someone, not inviting me to anything never calling or texting first. I feel like i have been desentitised to emotions. I feel blank. But i also feel like i want to claw my heart out and sell it to the devil just to get rid of the pain that i dont feel? Sorry if thats too much i dont know how else to describe it. I feel like posting this is a crime, i feel like crying is a crime and this is probably what was engraved in my thoughts and i know its not true. I know everything is in my head but i cant get help. Nobody will be accepting. This is the kind of friends ive made. Its all fake. Am i really happy? Sometimes i forget at school and i come home so so tired i dont have the energy to talk to my parents which ive been yelled at for daily. I thought that my post would have been very short but when i start typing it seems like i cant stop. Ive stopped sh ing majorly around end of winter last year but have had minor (i guess its minor in my head) setbacks that only last a few days before regaining control again. Im kinda scared at myself. But ive been looking forward to finally being done with school so i can leave. Ive been told im just being dramatic and havent even experienced the bad things in life. It makes me think just how much worse it could possibly get. Whats the point then? Its like this for everyone? Ive seen people so open about their sh at school. I try talking and even if i remotly mention literally anything i almost got reported. Ive been warned multiple times about getting reported just because i said that i was tired and didnt feel like doing homework. I cant be reported. My life would get so much worse if i do. What is it about the that makes people think im so happy. I talk alot and alot about myself the silence is suffocating and theres nothing else to talk about than the stupid things in my life. But i want silence too, just not the awkard type and i get bombarded with accusations of attention seeking both when i do and dont talk. Im just yapping now. I feel like ive cleared my head a little. I guess i wanted someone to listen and not accuse me of anything. Perhaps i need a hug and a bit of a cry but i cant get that. Thank you if you stayed for my terrible yap. 🙂