Dear New Member~
(I know this response is a bit long, please bear with me or read it a bit at a time)
I'd like to join Clara1 and ViolettaZ in giving you a warm welcome here at the Forum. I was going to address you as Alex, however as this persona is not permanent I'd better stick to New Member for now unless you choose a user-name.
You have a very hard situation to cope with having different personalities take over, not only hard but confusing as to gender, as to if life is worth living, as to if you are a good person or not.
Also to have Alice saying terrible things about the people you loved is a horrible tihng to put up with and very upsetting.
First off I would say you are a good person, you wish us on the forum well at the end of your posts, and you have love in you, if you did not then things said about your mother, sister and granddaughter would not mean as much.
I think everyone, now matter how loving and good has buried in them a meaner side, even though it may not show up on ordinary life, and Alice is simply exaggerating that tiny bit of being human to a huge extent, blowing it up out of all proportion to hurt you, it is malice.
As for gender, although it has practical problems when you change I'm not sure it matters as much as some people might think, many people change how they regard themselves, often more than once
One other member here with DID say they are able to some extent to swap personas depending on their current need. So they can sometimes call forward a persona that will be a comfort or one that is firm. I would hope in time you might be able to do similar.
I hope I'm not misunderstanding or going off track, my apologies if I am.
In the meantime when Alice is at her worse maybe some outside resource might be of help, firstly to distract you form what Alice is saying, and secondly to maybe give you a lift. Take you to a place where you want to live and enjoy more of the world and your life.
To combat my suicidal thoughts I use a free smartphone app called BeyondNow. This takes preparation well before you wonder if you should take your life. It needs to be done at a time when you are not right down. Maybe their is someone in your life that knows you and might help (even if you don't tell them why)
It has all the usual things you'd expect in a safety plan, but has one two very important sections, the easiest being who to call if you your need is great. This can be anybody from someone that knows you and your situation and cares and does not panic, though to Lifeline (13 11 14).
The harder and more worthwhile section of BeyondNow is "Things I can do for myself" which is where another who knows you might help you as thinking of things for yourself might be hard. It is important you write down specifics (no use trying to make choices when nearly overwhelmed). These can be listen to a particular song - I use the Stones "Paint it Black" plus more music you nominate, perhaps things to occupy you such as a favorite TV show or book, or maybe things that amuse such as the Muppet version of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody". These are just my things - you will have different of course.
I've found I've used this app out of desperation and it does help.
We are all here for you and if you would like to come back here you'd be very welcome.
I realise it is not an easy or quick thing however it may not be as hopeless as you sometimes might think.
Croix
